12 weeks and 5 days

Today we had our ultrascreen. The ultrascreen is a sonogram test where they measure the fluid behind the baby's neck to determine any chances of down syndrome. In addition, I took a blood test to also check out some numbers for any deficiencies. So far, from the sonogram, it looks ok. The technician said the measurements seemed good and the doctors were happy with it so I am to just wait for the blood results in a week.

Onto the sonogram. This was amazing. My baby has a head! and arms! and legs! so much has changed since our little bean 4 weeks ago (7 weeks, 5 days).

here was our christmas card/pregnancy announcement this year:



heres our baby now:
(first pic, you can see his arm right under his chin)




The baby was going crazy moving all around! At first, I thought something was wrong with it. But the technician said it was normal. It looked like it was spasming. I did have orange juice and a waffle with syrup this morning. You think the baby was on a sugar high? hehe.

It was so cool to see it move, and raise it's arms up. The technician was also able to see the bottom side between the legs...and she gave us her 60% guess on what she thought it was. I won't say anything right now. hehe. We also got to hear the heartbeat again and see the brain and stomach. The stomach already had a black pouch in it, which means the baby is already swallowing and drinking! I saw both my ovaries and also bowel gas. Bowel gas just looks like blackness and it impedes the sight of other things. hahah. there was a lot of it. haha.

anyway, all in all a great doctors appointment. I wish i could share this with my mom!

Another holiday come and gone. Christmas weekend was fun!

I am still feeling pretty good but I think hosting christmas wore me out just a bit. I felt fine the day of, but the next day, I cleaned in the morning and for the rest of the afternoon and night I was practically comatose. Totally dazed.

I did manage to run out and take advantage of some 50% off Christmas sales. After that, I came back and had severe constipation. This is TMI, but I was on the toilet for 30-45 minutes.... i was in so much pain, i have to assume this was the closest I would ever get to labor. It hurt so much but yet it wouldn't come out. I was huffing, puffing, doing pseudo-lamaze, took my pants off, prayed...everything. I won't get into the nasty details, because there are a few...however, I will say that once i was done, I was in heaven. I was sort of in shock as well. It was a relief. and certainly, i will continue to eat my fiber and water (which i slacked on the past few days due to the holiday meals)...so that that never happens again!

Well, after that whole ordeal, I went straight to take a nap. It was a 2 hour nap before jae came home and woke me up. i made us a little christmas leftover meal and just laid on the sofa for the rest of the night. We attempted to watch a movie at 9 but i quickly fell asleep and did not wake up till 7:30 the next morning. I think my body really needed a rest. My mind kept telling me to get up and keep cleaning and go do things, but my body was screaming for some relaxation. So i let me body take over and did nothing all night.

Aside from the bad constipation, I am very very absent minded these days. This pisses me off because I like to be on point. I like my lists, and I like to take care of everything at once. But lately, and I don't know if this has anything to do with pregnancy or not, I am very forgetful. I take twice as long to do something because I usually made a mistake somewhere along the way.

For example, one day, I was running around....of course, I cannot hold my pee in like I used to, so I had to make an emergency stop at home to pee. This annoys me as well bc I usually like to get to 5-6 places in one shot and then go home, but this pit stop holds me up. Anyway, I came home, peed and changed into some more comfortable clothes. I also switched jackets. I get to the supermarket and realize my shopping list (for christmas!) was in my other jacket at home. UGH! I hate not having my shoping list. So i had to go by memory and of course i forgot MAD stuff and had to go back to the market another day. Very annoying.

The other day I was tyring to find Sports Authority. I thought I knew where i was going but apparently not.... I went very far down Old Country Road. Only to turn around again.... It turns out, sports authority was right where i had left off... i wasted about half an hour of driving for nothing! the thing is, if i had just looked out the window, i would have seen it... i also had a suspicion it was right there, but for some reason, abesent mindedly drove way down. stupid move.

One day i also left my laptop at home....i drove to work, only to have to turn around again to pick up my computer.

I really hope this is the baby...and not me just losing my mind. I like to be efficient and not waste time. I like to get a lot of things done in one shot. This is all i know. If this has changed forever, I am not sure how I will cope. haha.

recurrance

ok so 2 seconds after i wrote the last entry, the song "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I hear this song whenever I think of my mom. It started right after her passing. I heard the song on the radio and I thought, "aww this reminds me of my mom". Since then, I keep hearing it everywhere. Is it me? or just happens to be a popular song? Whats funny, is that about half hour ago, my co-worker changed the radio station. Different radio stations and the song still comes on. Watching "the Sing Off" the other day, I was reading a baby book wondering if my mom knew all this stuff and suddenly the accapella group starts singing this song. I looked up instantly. Weird. Driving to work and driving home...i hear the song...the other day i was re-thinking this fight i had with my dad...and the song comes on. She hated when we fought.

So I start thinking about my previous blog entry about the woman who lost her young husband to brain cancer...and how she kept hearing the same song on the radio wherever she went.

Sign? or coincidence? am i just looking for too many signs because I want so desperately for there to be one?

life vs death

i know this is overly dramatic to say but sometimes i wonder if my mom gave her life so my baby could live. they do say with life, comes death. or vice versa. i see my baby as a rebirth of my mom's soul and spirit, somehow someway. its comforting to think about. maybe my baby was born to give me hope and happiness in a time of utter darkness. i dont know how, but i feel the 2 life changing events are somehow related, somehow linked. i almost feel like my baby will be born and look like my mom. wouldn't that just be awesome? or maybe its creepy? not sure.

you know how when one baby is born somewhere in the world someone dies? what if it just happened to happen in the same household for me?

11 weeks and 3 days

Today we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It beats so fast! I didn't get a sonogram, the doctor just used the doppler. At the time she was getting the heartbeat, the baby was moving! So the baby moved out of the way and she couldn't find the heartbeat again bc he/she kept moving hehe.

All I could think of when I heard the heartbeat was RELIEF! At first she couldn't find the heartbeat...nervous! But then she said, no worries, its a small heart so its hard to find at first. I know every soon to be mom will have these worries, but I feel like I am extra paranoid for these reasons:

1. I have no morning sickness or any sickness. Not complaining, but at least if I Was sick, I would know the baby is still there, alive and creating changes to my body.

2. My boobs are not any bigger nor are they sore. Another typical sign of pregnancy that I don't have.

3. My constipation (typical of any pregnancy) went away. The constipation is caused by extra progesterone which helps support the baby. If it went away, I questioned why it did.

So for these reasons, it is very hard for me to know whats going on inside there. But luckily, the heartbeat was there and I felt instant relief.

Everything seems to be on track thus far. My weight is good actually and she said I didn't gain a pound since I last saw her 4 weeks ago. I do think my total is about 5 lbs gained though. I thought that was high but she said it was ok. I also got the swine flu shot today.

Other than that, very excited for my 12/28 ultrascreen. I will see the baby again!

11 weeks

I am 11 weeks today. It stills feels like longer.

Really, this whole pregnancy thing has been non eventful. I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really feel pregnant except for my expanding belly. I still haven't thrown up once. I hosted my yearly friends holiday party this past weekend and I survived with no problems. I still do everything I normally do. My baby highlight of the day was that I went to order Greek food for lunch. My lunch came with a soda and she asked me what i wanted. I wasn't sure what was caffeine free so i picked orange (Crush). I came back to the office to look it up and its caffeine free. score! It was delicious.

I'm planning to tell my 2 cousins and brothers girlfriend this Thursday at dinner. I will have also had my doctors appointment that morning. If all goes well at the appt, I Can tell them. I will feel so free! I am looking forward to this a lot. Not only to just tell them but I think I can get some good advice from my cousin who had her baby a year ago. She's more in turned with what I want to happen. Also, I can finally reveal this blog to MeeJin! It's been private up until now.

I have 2 doctors appointments before the end of the year. Looking forward to both and seeing my little baby again! It's very nerve wracking when you dont feel pregnant bc I always think somethings wrong. If I can see him/her on the screen, I'll know he/she is ok. Wish us luck!

Here's what he/she looks like now!

so sometimes i follow this blog about this wife/mother who lost her very young husband to brain cancer. It was heartbreaking reading her story....and after my mom passed, i found her posts to be somewhat comforting. The other day she wrote this post, which i wanted to share. could this happen to me too? i will look out. her husband passed in august...and her psychic said her husband was with her in december. so 4 months. maybe my moms not with me now....but maybe by March, i will have her with me.


Spirits and readings and cars, oh my.
Dec 2 2009 11:52AM
Today's entry takes a little suspension of disbelief. And I'll say up front that I'm one of the most cynical and skeptical people out there, so keep that in mind.


It starts with a massage the week after Scott died.

My mom and I dropped off Logan at school and decided to treat ourselves to massages at my favorite place, the Urban Muse.

Now in addition to regualr "spa" experiences, the Muse also specializes in angel readings. mediums, reiki, etc.

I've never done any of those things. I've been to psychics in the past, and even though I've had some pretty amazing readings, I'm always still a little wary of the whole "business".

But on this particular day my masseuse was finishing my massage and she says to me "Do you mind if I ask you something?"

I was prepared for a sales pitch about what lotion or oil I need for my dry skin.

When I give her the go ahead, she says to me "I normally don't do this, but your aura is too strong. Have you had a recent loss?"

I kind of choke and say yes, my husband just passed.

She gives her condolences, then says "But that's not who I see."

"I see an older woman, curly black hair. She's a very strong presence around you right now. She keeps saying 'I love you, I love you, I love you' and telling you that you can do this. 'Atta girl'"

At that point I have no idea what to say, because she's just described my paternal grandmother to a T.

Her "thing" was to say "l love you, I love you, I love you." JUST like the woman said it. And she had short black curly hair, not a typical grandmom hairdo.

I told the woman that it sounded like my grandmother. She said it was normal for a previously passed spirit to come to you when someone close to you passes.

The newer spirit isn't strong enough to come yet, but someone "steps in" for them.

She didn't pressure me to get an angel reading or say anything "salesy". Just told me that I had a lot of spiritual help around me and whatever I believed in, God, a higher being, whatever, to make sure I kept an open mind in the upcoming months so I would invite Scott's spirit when he was ready.

She also told me to pick the time or place that was most special to us and to "listen" for the vibrations because that's when he would come to me.

She hugged me goodbye and told me to pray to the archangel Gabriel if I wanted more guidance and help.

And that was it.

Kind of creepy. My mom was totally freaked out when I told her.


I thought about it every now and then, but didn't think a whole lot about it until a couple weeks ago at my company's health fair.

The Urban Muse had a table at the health fair and they were giving free chair massages and angel readings.

My staff decided I NEEDED to have an angel reading and signed me up.

Well, I go to the table and sit down and it's the same woman who gave me a massage.

She told me I looked familiar and I told her I go to the Muse a lot, so maybe she had given me a massage before.

She asks if I have had an angel reading before and I told her no.

She explains that she will be using three decks of cards and a crystal and the angels would guide her to the correct deck and card to answer the question I had.

So she asked me to ask a question.

I told her my husband had passed away recently and the end was hard and I had to make a lot of decisions for him and I wanted to make sure I had made the right ones.

She stopped and looked at me and said "I remember you now. Your grandmother isn't with you anymore, but your husband is."

I'm a little taken aback, it was almost 3 months ago that she saw me.

She takes her crystal and waves it over each deck of cards. It reminds me of Charmed when the girls would scry for something.

She picks her deck, then starts to go through the cards, one by one.

She stops on one and turns it over. It's the Angel of Knowledge. She says to me that as long as I made decisions with all the knowledge that was available to me - medical, physical, spiritual, I did the right thing.

I feel oddly comforted about that.

At this point, my "free" reading is over and it's someone else's turn. The Manager comes over and tells the woman that it's time to move to someone else, they have a lot of people signed up.

She tells her she will be done with me in just a minute.

Then she says to me, quietly "I need to pull another card for you. There is something else he's trying to tell you."

The next card she pulls is the card of music. She asks me if I played music for Scott throughout his sickness.

I get a bit nauseous at this one, because I played music for him the whole time he was in the hospital, right up to the point where he stopped breathing.

She says that to feel his presence more and to make sure he can continue to come to me I have to keep playing music that meant something to us.

She also says that he will send me messages through music - to listen for any song patterns - songs that come in threes for me.

"In fact," she says, "make sure you pay attention to anything that comes in threes to you - an image, a song, a word even. That's your husband telling you something."

She's almost yelling this to me by this time, because the manager has come over twice to tell her it's time to stop with me and move on to someone else.

I'm feeling guilty for hogging her, but she won't let me leave. She tells me once more to pay attention to any recurring themes.

I have to run upstairs to a meeting and I go on with the rest of my day.

That day on the way home, I'm flipping through the radio stations as we are stuck in traffic and the song "I Hope You Dance" comes on.

I honestly don't think a thing about it. I like the song, I haven't heard it in a while.

The next morning we get in the car to go to school, and it's on again. Different station.

It registers in my brain that it's kind of odd to hear it twice, but I dismiss it.

Guess what song is on in my employee's office when I get to work that morning? Yep. It's on her ipod playlist and it happens to be playing when I go in there.

Okay. Weird. And I've continued to hear it over and over. In restaurants. In stores. On the radio.

Maybe it's just coincidence. Maybe it's a message. I don't know. But it's definitely made me think.

And I've also been paying attention to other things in threes as well.

The most notable of which came last week when I finally donated Scott's car to the MS Society.

A tow truck came to get it, since the battery died.

Logan and I were JUST about to get in the car to go to work and school when it pulled up.

To a two year old boy, getting to watch a tow truck is like Santa Claus coming, so we got out of the car and watched.

I explain to Logan that we are saying goodbye to Daddy's car and giving it to someone else who needs it.

He gets really upset with me. "NO! DADDY NEEDS IT!"

I explain to him that Daddy can't drive it anymore since he died. Logan bursts into tears and says "I Want Daddy to Get Better and Come Back."

The tow truck driver gives me a look, I just keep paying attention to Logan.

I explain again that since daddy got sick and died he can't talk to us anymore or do the things he used to do, including driving the car.

Logan nods and looks at me through big blue tear filled eyes. "But we look at pictures of him, right mommy?"

My heart is breaking into five million little pieces, but I say "Yes, we can look at pictures."

Then Logan says "Okay. We can give the car to other daddies."

Sweet kid.

So we watch the tow truck driver again, as he's gotten the car about 95% up on the flatbed.

Suddenly there is a BANG and the Lincoln goes rolling into the middle of my backyard.

We all freeze and the tow truck guy says "Oh my god. It broke the chain. That's never happened before."

I say nothing.

Logan applauds.

The guys maneuvers the car back to the driveway and hooks it up to a different set of chains. The ones they use for heavy-duty equipment.

The car again gets halfway up the flatbed. This time the trunk flies open and the front wheels get stuck on the edge of the flatbed.

The guy looks at me and half jokingly says "This car does not want to leave."

Again, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I take a deep breath and I say outloud, to myself "It's just a car. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean we are forgetting."

I realize as I'm saying this that it's as much to Scott as it is to myself. I feel embarrassed to even be saying that, but it's true.

The guy finally gets it up on the flatbed and I sign the title over to him. He gets in his truck and leaves.

Logan and I pile into the car to go to school and work, which I'm now late for yet again.

And the tow truck is in front of us for a good 3 miles.

Logan is saying "Bye daddy's car!" over and over.

I'm trying not to lose it as I drive.

I'm just kind of freaked out over the whole thing.


So there you have it. My freaky story of spirits and readings and cars, oh my.

so my office got the Keurig coffee machine. Its awesome. since we got it, i've been eyeing it and watching all my coworkers use it. Today, I decided a little caffeine won't hurt and i will try a cup.

It was delicious. so good.... but about a 1/4 of the way through my cup, my heart started beating super fast. yikes. and i got a bit of heartburn. ok, well decaf it is. =)

my belly is growing. but im not sure why.... i know the baby isn't big enough to make a dent...and the uterus should still be behind the pelvis. is it bloat? gas? it's partially fat but not THAT much.

I am up 3.2 lbs as of today from my first sonogram. Need to maintain!

Christmas shopping is so slow for me this year. I have no idea what to get anyone. Yet my office is just strewn with random packages waiting to be wrapped. i up to $800 spent with more to go. I do love Christmas time. Regardless of how much i complain of the crowds, the money spent etc, I still look forward to spending much time with all of my family.

10 weeks

my baby is a little over an inch long now. the photo above is incredible. how can something so tiny have so many features already? I am over the critical portion of development and now tissues and organs are beginning to grow. My belly has a slight bulge...I can't suck it in anymore. I think its mostly just bloat though cuz I am mad gassy and my belly is harder.

Aside from the tiredness, I don't feel too pregnant. I am excited to see the baby again though, perhaps Dec 17th. I've seen some people's ultrasound at this time and there is a head and arms and legs that you can see. I can't wait to see this.

I've told 2 friends so far. I believe Jae has told some of his friends. I am not planning to tell most people, family included until after 12/17, my fist ultrascreen. If all goes well there, I will feel better about sending out my Christmas card/Pregnancy announcement.

I hope baby is growing, and is healthy and happy inside.

Gearing up for my friends Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner this weekend. Am excited to see everyone =)

got this email this morning.

Hi Jessie,

Thanks for sending the pictures and the trip down memory lane.

So when I saw your email this morning, instead of getting ready for work I started going my pictures to look for this one. You may have it already, but this picture captures I think the spirit of your mom's and my relationship. Here we are, 30+ (at least I was) year olds walking down the streets of the nation's capital waving to people with those head things on (with you in the background probably thinking, grow up you two!). You can only imagine what we did as teenagers in Chinatown with parents who worked 12 hours a day! Of course, I can reveal that now because all you guys are now mature adults :).

Love,
Aunt May



I love you, mom.

its so amazing what can remind me of my mom. i was walking through the mall the other day and passed by one of her favorite stores. i felt sadness instantly. its one of those "aww, mom" feelings. why can't she be here? i was reading a book for book club and at the end, the mom dies. can i tell you i burst into tears. like i had to bite my fist so jae couldn't see i was crying. its only a story and yet hit so close to home. I heard on the Z100 one of the DJ's say the word "text message". No big deal, right? But instantly, i think of my mom and how she always used to say "tex-mex" instead of text message. why, i have no idea. she really thought thats what it's called. it was part of her quirkyness i miss so much. so not fair.

anyway, only baby news. i finally gave in and bought one of those belly bands. while not an ideal situation for me, i have to admit it is more comfortable than wearing my regular jeans.



i also officially have a pooch. wherein, if i wear a regular shirt, you will see that i look fat.

my aunt from california is so sweet. she sent me her daughters old book of What to Expect the First Year. Also, included a sweet card, Pea in the Pod gift certificate and some maternity samples. And also a book called "On the Day you were Born". I love this book..... how did she know? she didnt, she just loved it too. omg, i was so touched. Thank you so much Aunt May. I love you and miss you!!!

so much to update, but not sure where to start.

Thanksgiving came and went. Ate too much as usual and really tired myself out.

Our family thanksgiving was good. The usual...but of course, my mom was missing. I hope she knows no matter what, we are a strong family and we will always be together and have each other. All of us, cousins, aunts, uncles...even from across the country. Everyone will be fine as long as we're together. So so so incredibly grateful for my family, this year and every year. My cousin Vanessa made a tapioca dessert which was my moms recipe given to her by my mom about 10 years ago. It was something she often made for us growing up. It was a nice touch to honor her in that way.

The next day I hosted a dinner with the Oh's. It was fun. Kristen came over earlier, around noon, and we baked together and made scary Elmo lollipops. Around 5 or 6, the rest of the family showed up and we ate. I think they enjoyed themselves and we had a good time. I was beat though.

I can't believe Christmas is around the corner. I am planning to start shopping today. My mom loved Christmas. Every year we would put up our tree together. She loved her ornaments. She has boxes and boxes of ornaments. We would host an Xmas eve dinner and have hordourves and a meal together. It was nice. I'm glad she taught me to cherish the holidays, because though she is not here, I can have exactly what we always had every year, because of her.

In terms of baby, I had my first hormonal episode the other day. It was Saturday and I was cleaning after the Oh's left. It was messy...I mean I had to scrub off whole shoeprints off my wall! Who the F kicked my wall? anyway, somethings were taken from my office, brought downstairs and i only found them while i was cleaning and of course parts were missing etc. I had 11 ice cream cones in the box for dessert and the kids ONLY wanted to eat the cone. By the time the left,I had 3 left. So 8 cones were eaten...first of all, there are only 5 kids and not every kid ate a cone. Who the F was eating all the cones. Secondly, why do parents let their kid roam free in a house with something as crumbly as a cone? I found cone pieces under my sofa, under my stove, in huge chunks, and in little grind up pieces like someone stepped on them. I was annoyed.

So Jae wakes up and the first thing I say is "Omg your family is never coming over again. This place is a mess and my stuff is broken or missing". He said "Eh, well, it happens". and I said "not anymore its not". Let me stop here and just say i realize what i said was wrong. Of course they are going to come over, and of course they are welcome. But the thing Jae said next somehow made me see red. He said "Well, we'll see what happens when your family comes over for Christmas". Not sure why this set me off but I was like fuming. and silent. you really dont want to get me silent. I will always say what i have to say right then and there, but when im silent, you are dead meat.

So, I go about my day cleaning....but as im cleaning im throwing stuff. Like tossing the island stools into the cabinet. At one point, I physically lifted my dyson vacuum and chucked it onto the floor. Yes, only my wood floors. No scratches, thank goodness. Jae went into the garage to clean it up. As he was there, I would just chuck garbage and boxes into the garage wherever I wanted. It felt good to throw! and I didn't care that he was cleaning and I was dirtying at the same time.

This silent treatment lasted a day and a half. Why, I have no idea. I would also just cry sporadically. Wow, crazy. I have to say, my rant could not have been good for the baby, either emotionally or physically. so I definetely regret it. however, in the moment, I could not help it. I don't know what came over me. In any case, I have to try to keep calm, always.

I am still pretty tired often. Any little event and I will feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I hope this goes away after the first trimester. I am usually very energetic, but I feel beat and I feel like I look haggard. No desire to put on any sort of makeup or do my hair. The other day I went into the office wearing sweats.

Oh, I finally ordered some maternity stuff online. Not much, just a few stretchy pants. I can still fit into my pants obviously but the bloat is causing the waist to be kind of snug. I need something I can be comfortable in.

I worry everyday if my baby is ok or not. It's sort of stressful. everytime I go to the bathroom, I check for blood. scared to death and hoping i dont see any. I just read this horrible story where a pregnant lady had no problems with pregnancy and in her 8 month, they didn't find a heartbeat. The doctors were all stumped bc she had such an easy and problem-free pregnancy. So scary.... I pray and hope I can carry to full term and have a healthy, happy baby.

So I think this entry was long enough for today. I think I'll go for a walk and get some exercise. Ciao!

still feeling tired most days. but im thankful i have not been sick yet. certain smells do make me nausous but this doesnt happen a lot. at my last dr.s appt, the dr said i already gained too much weight. so i have been trying to somewhat maintain. it doesnt help that i feel soooo hungry sometimes. i also have a sweet tooth now, craving sweet stuff. sounds like a girl to me =)the holidays didnt help. we went to town for thanksgiving....i feel like im showing now, but its really just holiday weight. boo.

on a different topic, jae's store ranked 10 last week in sales!!! out of 72 stores in all of NYC. we are usually in the mid-20's on a decent week... but we ranked 10. wow....go hubby. bring home that bacon! hehe.

so tomorrow is thanksgiving. it hit me driving today that my mom isn't here for this. i hate driving now. everytime i am driving, i am alone with my thoughts. i am about 75% of the time crying for 5 minutes.

I seem to cry more now than i did before the funeral. Before the funeral, I felt like a rock. I felt strong. i didn't cry much. But after the funeral, maybe it seems more real now. Or maybe its the baby hormones. I dont know. All i know is, i get sad more easily now...i cry instantly. but it only lasts a few minutes. i think about her a lot. i am always talking to her too. i hope she hears me.

its still unbelievable to me that shes not here. i still picture her face and she is so damned alive. she loved thanksgiving. not for the holiday but for the family gathering. it is something special...i was determined to have thanksgiving this year and tomorrow, we will celebrate. for her.

the other day as i told my sister in law my due date, she said "ooh lucky number 7!". i hadnt even really thought about that. and one second i am happy, saying what a cool due date and the next second i am sad, because, man my mom would have enjoyed that too. i was sad because i couldn't tell her my due date.

so i start to think about this "lucky" part. yeah, my baby is pretty lucky. and a fighter. after finding out i am pregnant, i continued to watch my mom... not sleeping in my own bed for weeks, waking up every 2 hours in the middle of the night, running low on energy and sleep. i had to physically lift my mom sometimes to help her out. i had to give her physical therapy. i was scared and frightened when i called 911. i watched her pass away. i nurtured my devastated grandparents and family through this. i watched them cry, and crumble but i held strong, refusing to let them see me break. if i was sad, then they would be sad. no, that is not what my mom would have wanted.

i made arrangements for her funeral, i buried her. then continued to watch and visit my grandparents, while things at work change. new office, new location, new bosses, new fights and arguments.

All the while, my little baby survived. My baby held strong and firm. I saw that heart beating fighting with every pulse. I was worried for my baby a lot of the times. I tried not to stress, tried to take it easy, but i knew with everything going on, there was a chance it would be too much for something just the size of a blueberry to take. Maybe thats why i was so relieved when i finally saw the heart beating on the sonogram. My baby made it. My baby's a fighter, just like my mom was. If he/she can make it through this, then he/she will make it through anything.

Not even into my second trimester and I am already a proud mommy.

yesterday we did korean bbq thingy at grandmas house. sam gyp sal and kalbi and such. normally when we do this, at jaes sisters house or outside in a restaurant, i am all about the spicy scallion stuff. i eat it with the meat, put it in my lettuce etc. but yesterday, i smelled the scallions and got so turned off. i did not have one scallion. how odd how you can just be turned off on a food you used to like to much in one whiff!

i am still not nauseas...but still a bit fatigued. and i am still clumsy as all heck. yesterday dropped some ice chips on the floor trying to put the ice tray back into the freezer.

just scheduled my ultrascreen for dec 28th. yeah!

7 weeks 5 days

due 7/7/10!

first sonogram today. i cant say it was one of those TV moments where you are exhilarated and tears are coming out of your eyes. but i can say it was pretty cool.

i had both external and internal sonogram. we saw a little flashing dot on the screen - the heartbeat. i was so relieved. i dont know why but i was so nervous going on, thinking nothing may show up on the sonogram. but there it was, pumping so fast. heartbeat = relief!

jae was a happy camper. seeing it made it seem so much more...real.

couldn't help but to think how my mom is missing all of this. there is something so inherently wrong about me becoming a mother and not having my own mother to turn to.

in any case, we are excited. i am officialy 7 weeks and 5 days along. go baby go!

baby names...

i swore i wouldn't even talk about baby names until the end of my pregnancy. and even still, i would choose the name after the baby was born. but last night, jae was on the website looking up whats going on with the baby at 7 weeks. it is now the size of a blueberry. hmm then why is my tummy so big? oh yeah, im just fat.

so i guess he wanders around the site and starts looking at name links. he starts going through all the years, like even back to 1995 to see what the popular names were. this sparked this whole conversation where he started reading out like 400 names.

VERY surprisingly, i think we agreed on a lot of things. of course we could only find like 2 names out of both boy and girl section we would even consider. not because we didn't like any, but because we would already know somebody with that name.

coming from a large family, a lot of the good names are already taken. if i go through the list of what's taken (this is just my generation and below..theres more on higher levels! I added Jae's family as well, even though there are only 7 names to add hehe):

BOYS:
Brandon, Evan, Andrew, Philip, Michael, Eric, Kenneth, Adam, Aidan, Benjamin, Christopher, Kevin, Matthew, Timothy, Jeremy, Tyler, Aaron, Jonathan, Ethan, Steve, Eddie, Jerry, Jason, Craig, Daniel, Peter, Ryan, Philip, Jake, Nathan

GIRLS:
Emily, Lauren, Mackenzie, Morgan, Teresa, Eileen, Alice, Cindy, Lisa, Diana, Vanessa, Cordelia, Erica, Jennifer, Chloe, Rachel, Meeya, Leila, Sammie, Kristen, Julia, Janice

Add on Friend's baby's names that can't be used:
Lucas, Evan, Penelope, Cadence, James, Avery

I know there are tons of names left.... but still hard after so many have been used. Also, you have to eliminate names of friends too right? Like Dave, Judy, Julie, Amy, Anna etc... this doesn't include any of my aunts and uncles, like David, Thomas, Maureen, Sue, Raymond, May, Gary, Lily, etc etc.

see how this could be difficult for us? thats why i didn't want to think about it!

thinking a lot about my mom today. not sure why...i think it gets a bit harder for me as the days go on. i thought it would get easier.

my mom knew she was going to die.

i remember the time we were in the hospital the second time around. i was maybe fixing her blanket or something and out of nowhere, she just said to me "i think im going to die". i didnt know what to think, so i made a slight joke out of it. i said "wow, thats blunt." she said "well, not right NOW. im not hopeLESS, but i know im running out of time." I didn't have the heart to agree with her. I knew what she was saying was true, but I think i just said something along the lines of "well, we'll see what happens. we'll keep working at getting better and take things one day at a time". I remember texting judy and jae that day to tell them what she said to me, with tears in my eyes. i still think about it and tears still come to my eyes. only she knew her body...she knew what was going on in there and i can't imagine just knowing your life is ending.

the day she passed, i knew something was terribly wrong that morning. things just weren't going right. she was sleeping so much. by 12 noon, i woke her up and forced her to eat. i remember crying in front of her, because she really didn't want to, but i forced her. i told her "you cant make me just stand here and watch you not eat. i need you to have something in your stomach". she looked at me and nodded and ate like a champ. for me. her daughter. even though she didn't want to. i was cryig because i felt so bad. i had gone through so many conflicting thoughts in my head. on one hand, i wanted her to fight, i wanted to continue the physical therapy and i wanted her to eat. i spent so much effort trying to find different foods and textures she could swallow. on the other hand, i knew she wasnt getting better. i knew her life was struggling and i thought maybe i should just let her be. she didnt want to eat, so why force her. she didnt want to get up and move and do her exercises, so why should i make her do something she didnt want to do. it was a battle in my head everyday.

after she ate, she slept more. and more. and more. her eyes looked funny. i got scared and i even went up to her and said "mom, do you hear me? do you know who i am?". she gave me on of those "what are you crazy?" smiles and nodded her head. i thought, ok, maybe shes just REALLLY tired cuz obviously she can hear me, respond and thinks im crazy for asking that question. but then she kept sleeping. i remember around 4PM, i said something is wrong and i called her doctor. they told me it sounded like she was dehydrated...which made sense bc she was not eating or drinking..and that i should call 911. i had to tell my grandma. i didnt want to worry her, but i was scared too. i knew this was bad and i knew it wasn't just dehydration.

my grandma said yes, call 911. i held the cell phone in my hand for a good 2 minutes, just looking at the 911 number i dialed without pressing the send button. seriously, in my mind, i said to myself...should i just let her pass in home, in her bed where shes comfortable. then a part of me said "what if the doctor can do something for her?" so i took a big breath and called 911. she was responding to me. and when i asked her to squeeze my hand, she would. so i thought, maybe she could be saved. conflicts in my head. thats all i dealt with.

at the ER, she seemed like she was getting better. i thought maybe it was dehydration then, since she was getting fluids at the time. she opened her eyes and i asked her if she knew where she was. she nodded her head.

But we got put into an ER room and so quickly it went downhill. i asked her about what she wanted done to save her life...she was no longer responding to me or squeezing my hand. thats when i knew it was coming. i saw her take some huge breaths....and then...flat line. i remember saying over and over again "oh no, oh no oh no.." and then 2 seconds later just saying "its ok, its ok, its ok". telling her, its ok that shes gone.

telling my grandma....that was hard. i had to get her and jae from the waiting room. she couldnt believe it. she was just dumbstruck... she asked me if this was a joke. she begged me to tell her it wasn't true. the doctors and nurses were all crying. she broke down. the pain was unbearable. and then, next second you know, jae is down, passed out on the ground. everyone rushed over to him...my grandma was so scared. but the doctor said he just passed out because of the stress. he was so upset...and continued to be upset for a week about my mom. i had never seen him so torn up....

well, then it was time to head back home after grieving. my brother was away on a trip with his class. so i had to call him. he was so upset and so upset he was away at the time it happened. "i never got a chance to say goodbye" he told me. he asked to be picked up to come home and jae and my dad went to get him.

back at grandmas, as soon as we get into the house, my grandmother shouts to my grandpa "shes dead...shes dead!" just screaming. my grandpa wails and breaks down. they are holding each other so tight and just sobbing and crying. but i had to stay strong. surprisingly, i did not shed many tears throughout the whole thing. i had to stay strong for everyone. i had to convince them she was in a better place and that she was unhappy the way she was, even though i knew all she wanted was a second chance at life. she really wanted to fight and be healthy for us all. i held back my tears for my grandparents and let them just grieve. it was a long night....

i know this is all so personal but i write this to let it out. i have a baby inside me now and i need to relieve my stress, get things out and then move on. i write this today because its been a hard day. i've been thinking about her, and maybe i just needed a good cry. that cry that i havent quite been able to have yet.

i am not afraid to admit that i get jealous of those with mothers. i can look at someone and say "you're 55 years old and still have a mother" or "you're 40 and still have a mother." im jealous. i wish i could still have mine. im too young and shes too young for this to all happen. i have to rid myself of this horrible jealousy.

so there it is. my release.

so ive been super clumsy lately. not sure if its the baby, or just my mind in mush lately...

sunday i am making some homemade sauce and i go to puree it and of course, dont close the cover tightly and splat goes sauce everywhere! EVERYWHERE. jae and i spent a good amount of time cleaning that up. first getting the sauce up, then cleaning up the areas so its not sticky.

then tonight, i drop a bottle of clam juice....glass everywhere. EVERYWHERE. little bits and pieces here and there. i have to wipe up, steam mop and them vacuum.

ay yai yai.

also, my belly feels like ive done situps the night before. sort of feels tight and tense and sore when i stretch a bit. i read that my body is just adjusting to the uterus and stuff enlarging. cramping is sort of going away. i still have a lot of gas...but not a big problem.

tonight had juicy dumplings with hiu, abi and stephanie and jae. it was yum.

todays my first day back into the office in over a month. overall i think it feels good. good to be doing something again, good to have fresh air again.

slowly we are going back to normal lives. friday we went out with some family in the city. we went to telephone bar and then had 16 handles for dessert. yum. saturday went back to the cemetery to pay some last respects. i looked down at the mound of dirt and thought "is she really under all that?" it was a sickening feeling. and then we went home early and cleaned up a bit. sunday was Jake's 3rd birthday so we went to my sister in laws house for lunch. it was also my dads bday so back to grandmas for dinner. today im back at work. i guess slowly, things are coming together again.

i miss my mom everyday... i will have to go through this pregnancy without her but at least i have tons of family to support and help me. i still look up into the sky and look for some sort of sign from her. i know shes here somewhere, everyday right alongside me. hi mom!!! the only thing i worry about is my grandparents. someone was always with them.... now a lot of us will just have to keep checking in on them. i'll be spending a lot more time in queens for sure. just hope they take care of themselves and that we find a good routine to fall into.

jae has become the pregnancy police. he wont let me eat anything...and is always constantly watching over me. reminds me of how he used to be when we first started dating haha. very protective and loving and 100% dedicated. yeah, that tapers off after 9 years HAHA. but hes back! thank you baby oh. heheh.

right now i am finding nutrition to be the hardest part of it all. i would usually order a salad out, or sushi. but i dont trust anything raw outside. i am having trouble knowing which kinds of fish to eat. and i am drinking a lot more juices now, like OJ and apple and i never did before. these are all extra calories i normally wouldn't have had. the other day i brought over 3 subway sandwiches to my grandmas for lunch for everyone. then realized, i cant eat it as is. so i had to heat up the cold cuts and toast the bread and all and it was a pain hehe. oh wells, we'll see. im sure as it goes on, i will get easier.

first sonogram thursday. yay! excited and yet nervous. wish us luck!

so yesterday I buried my mom.

I still cannot believe the outpouring of support that was there both Wednesday and Thursday. The place was PACKED. It was a mob scene. I hugged so many people. It was so nice, everyone had a little story to tell about my mom. "Janet gave me my first job." or "Janet helped our school like no one else could". I couldn't believe all the amazing stories I heard. It was amazing and wonderful to hear. She would have been happy.

It didn't turn out to be such a sad event. People from her childhood, to school days, to teaching days, to coworkers, were all there reuniting and gathering about. It was actually a huge social event! I'm so happy with how things turned out... and she would have been happy too. My brother and I had a little section entitled "Mom's Favorite Things" there. We included Craisins, Pistachio muffins, trail mix, gum, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels - all the things she loved. People love to read me and my brother's letter to my mom as well. It was just a nice, touching, event that paid tribute to my wonderful mother.

Wednesday was a long day. My friends Julie, Jully, Jenny, Amy, Dave, Hiu, Pauline and Ron showed up. We hosted dinner afterwards. Jae's sister stayed. It was nice, but I was tired.

I expected Thursday to be an easier day. Usually, not many people show up since they go the day before and most people don't usually go to the burial anyway. But there was MAD people there! Wow! I wish I had brought food or snacks or something. At 1PM, it was time to head to the cemetery. My mom was brought out on the coffin. I couldn't look cuz I am pregnant (dont know why, my grandma told me not to look).... it was cold and rainy and windy. when we got the cemetery, i counted and we had 23 cars following. wow, that is unheard of. we also had 2 flower cars because she received so many flowers.

anyway, we got out of the cars and there were so many people there! all holding their umbrellas. i was so touched. anyway, they lowered her down (again, i wasn't able to look) and put the casket cover over and then we all had to drop down a rose and throw some dirt down. After that, it was done. All the planning, all the funeral arrangements were done. We hosted another lunch and then the day was over.

So now im left thinking, now what? What do i do with myself now? Just go on life as if nothing happened? How do I manage my grandparents? Will I really have to return to work after taking off an entire month?

So many open ended questions....I guess we'll see how the next months go. I need to get back into a routine again.

i'd like to share my letter to my mom with you all. it meant a lot to me to be able to share my feelings and to let everyone know what an amazing mother she was.

Dear Mom:

You always told me you loved to read my writing. You always told me I should have become a writer. I must admit, whenever things are going on, I do like to write my thoughts and feelings down. So here I am, writing my first letter to you.

Last week, we had to make your funeral arrangements. Funeral, bury, cemetary. These are not words I think about when I think of a 59 year old vibrant woman. I was at your cemetary plot, and as I was looking around at the headstones that would surround you, I saw birthdate years of 1915, 1923, even 1930's. But no one who was close to your age. You were so young and most importantly, young at heart. When you walked into a room, people knew you were there. You were happy, smiley, energetic. When I'd see you, you'd greet me with "Hey, girl!". You called me Jessie, sometimes Jess, but never Jessica, the name you used to dislike so much. You loved watching Criminal Minds, Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Remember the time I signed us up for the mother-daughter show? Man, if they picked us, we would have won for sure! You loved to dance...you swore you were so cool. You loved the electric slide. You made me play it at my wedding, even though I adamantly disagreed. But you were right, people loved it! You were always right. You loved lemon icies, and foot massages. You loved all the dancing shows on TV. You only typed with Papyrus font, and signed all your cards "Love Always". You were generous, gracious, classy. You had a heart of gold, always thought about others before yourself. You were caring, loving, and truly inspirational. You were strong...boy, you were strong. You could handle anything. You let things roll off your shoulder like I've never seen before. You were smart and you made me laugh. Sometimes we would fight but that would never last more than an hour or so. My heart would ache when we fought because I could never be so far in mind from you for long. You'd get upset when we would go more than 2 days without an email or phone call together. You worried about me when no one did. You were the core of the family and you never had any drama around you. You were really something special and we will always remember.

One of my most vivid childhood memories of you is the day I was being bratty. To punish me, you told me "Time Out!". I ran to the sofa crying. I was sobbing and I looked up and there you were, minding your business, vacuuming the floor as if nothing happened. I remember this because, now, as an adult, I admire the authority you were able to unleash so effortlessly. You never hit me, not even one spank or swat. I can't remember you ever raising your voice at me. All I needed was "the look" to put me in my place. You didn't need to be mean, or harsh. We knew who the boss was. What an amazing mother you were. I remember you helping me learn how to add and subtract, using these brown building blocks. I remember all the time we spent as kids, over at our families homes on the weekends. I remember all the places you took me, all the times we played tennis together. Growing up, you made some killer tapioca dessert and linguini with white clam sauce (extra garlic). You made the secret Vincent's spaghetti sauce recipe we love so much, but never shared your recipe (I found it hidden in your books as I went through your stuff - score!). Sometimes I look up into the sky and hope to see some sort of sign. A flicker, a sudden burst of sun, something that lets me know you're there. But deep down I know no sign is needed. You will always be there, so deep within my heart. And I have so many things that let me know you're here with me. So many things to remember, so many good times. There's not enough space on this paper to write it all down, but I will remember.

Though today is your funeral, today is not the end. Your memory will live on in so many ways. Pictures, memories, fleeting thoughts. Some keepsakes I kept of yours - the clothes you last wore, inspirational books you loved, the last notes you wrote to me, including an "i love you" you wrote to me on your final day which I will frame, a gift I gave you before my wedding - a Lenox statue of a mother and daughter entitled "A Mother's Loving Touch". My children will know who you are. And though this is my first letter to you, it will not be the last. And each year when I write you your letter, I will laugh as I imagine you with your red pen marking every grammatical error and spelling mistake I make. That was you, always an educator, inside the classroom and in life. We will always remember.

I know in time, life will go on. But a small part of me will always be with you on your last day. A part of me will remember the touch of your hand as you squeezed mine, the sounds and the smell of the room. I will remember me putting my head in your lap as you rubbed my neck. I'm 31 years old and still, there is nothing like the comfort of your own mother. I look back and see myself so small and tiny against something so big that was happening. That piece of me will always be frozen in time, so that you can always be alive in my mind, when we were together, just you and me. That piece of me will always be there at the moment when I told you my last words and the promise I made to you. Don't forget that promise. Life will go on, the days and seasons will pass, but that one piece of my heart will always be stuck in the past. I will always remember.

I have to believe this happened for a reason. Somehow there was always a lesson behind everything you do. So I will assume this lesson to all of us is, to hold your kids a little tighter. To tell all the people around you you love them. To not want more, but to be happy with what you have. To seize the day, and smile and be thankful every morning we wake up and open our eyes. Your 2 famous lines to me were always "Family is everything" and "Life is short". Those two statements have never been more real than right at this moment. We will all remember.

I could go on about how young you were. About how sudden this was. I could mention how this seems so surreal. How I think you are just in the next room watching Judge Judy. How I don't know when reality will set in...or if it will ever set in. About how much of a shame it is for the world to have lost such a great and wonderful human being. But at the same time, I look at the outpouring of support you have. I hear and see the emotional reactions of people when they hear the news. I read the stories everyone has about you. I see what an impact you made on people by simply being who you are. And I think, "Mom, you had more than any 80, 90 or even 100 year old person could ever have. You have so very much." And I am at peace. And I hope you are too.

I'm trying to find words to end this. I miss you. I love you. All so insignificant. No words seem good enough and you just seem to deserve so much more. I just wanted to say how glad I was to be able to be there for you when you needed it the most. I will always value and cherish the times we got to spend together - I got to spend some good quality time with you and I am so grateful for that. You fought hard that last day. I watched you fight and I just wanted to say I am so proud of you. Proud of you on that day and proud of you for everything you have been able to accomplish in your life. I am truly honored to be your daughter and feel so lucky and blessed to have you (always) as my mom. You loved Kevin and I so much. You gave up everything for us. We will always remember.

I love you so very much, Mom. God, I miss you. And wherever you are, I hope you are doing the electric slide, while Watching Wheel of Fortune, cracking your gum with that awful noise I couldn't stand. I hope after you're done, you will practice your salsa moves and reward yourself with a lemon ice. Sit back and relax...it was a beautiful life, for a beautiful person.

Love always,
Jessie

boobs are sore. and i am Soooooo tired. i dont know if its just dealing with my moms passing or what but i am exhausted. i get a full 7-8 hours of sleep every night and yet a few hours after i wake up, i need a nap. i was never like this. i dont know if its the baby or just the stuff going on though.

still a bit crampy....sometimes it does alarm me. doctor said to try to take it easy but how can i with so much going on.

moms funeral is in 2 days. so dreading it! but i know its going to be a packed house. she had so many friends, family and loved ones. the funeral home said that they know its going to be a lot of people because they keep getting calls. one person told me they called the funeral parlor and before they could say anything the funeral parlor was like "i know i know. wednesday, Janet Won, right?". they were so busy thanks to my mom. this makes me so happy. so happy for her. the outpouring of stories and fond memories of my mom overwhelms me. she was a good person, not a bad thing about her. people LOVED her. she had an energy and made an impression. its going to be a hard 2 days. first the funeral, then the burial the next day. and im sort of scared to go on with my life. its almost like i spend all my days doing stuff for her now. it seems wrong to just move on.

we ended up not using the dress she wore to my wedding. her arms weren't covered up and i guess thats a no-no. yesterday my grandma and i spent a few hours at macys trying to find something nice. do you know what its like shopping for a deceased person. do you know what its like when that person is your mother. it was a horrible job. then we go and drop off the clothes today and they tell me, since she lost so much weight, she is too skinny and now needs a scarf to cover her up more. sigh. i just hope they make her look as good as they can. she was a beautiful person with a beautiful smile. i dont want that ruined.

we are going to do some of "Mom's favorite things" at the funeral. we wiil lay out some of her favorite snacks for people. trail mix, craisins, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels etc. i think its going to be a nice touch. i also specified i did NOT want that creepy scary funeral music. instead we will bring in our own CD of some soft music. i also made a collage of her pictures. we picked a beautiful picture of her to enlarge. sigh. i still cant believe shes gone. i still feel her around me, and even within me. i hope i never stop feeling this way.

the day before we started cleaning out her room. her jewelry, files, trinkets.

today we started cleaning out the stuff in the basement. her stuff. TONS of stuff. who knew she was such a hoarder. she had our 2nd grade report cards! she kept everything. i got to take a lot of her stuff home. stuff that reminds me of her and my childhood. it was a BIG job though....i was pooped.

i also cleaned my whole house today. after a month of not cleaning, it was a big job. but i wanted the house spic and span for my mom.

tomorrow i will get a haircut and continue cleaning out her stuff. i love going throgh her things becasue it keeps me close to her. i wonder what i will do when this is all over. how will my grandparents be...i will obviously have to be over there a lot more and take over all the responsibilites my mom had. i guess i just have to take it day by day for now.

everything else besides my mom seems so insignificant at this point. poor baby has taken a back seat. i didnt even know the yankees won the world series till days later. i dont even know what day it is most of the time. i sometimes do go on facebook to get a break but i look at all the status comments and think "SO WHAT?" At this moment, i could care less what you're eating, or what youre doing. everything that is being updated seems so....unimportant. i cant go on facebook anymore. its just too annoying.

i miss you mom.

5 weeks
Your baby has grown to the size of a sesame seed, looking more like a tiny tadpole than a human.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

I can't believe all this is growing inside of me!

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Feeling ok, no nausea, no nothing except some cramping.

oh, and a pain in my heart.

my mom passed away 3 days ago. it still doesn't seem real. yesterday and the day before, i was at a funeral home and cemetary picking out her gravesite. morbid, and scary, and final. today i picked out her outfit. i found it fitting for us to find her the dress she wore to my wedding. she looked awesome in that dress. i also found a picture for us to enlarge. also, another photo from my wedding. it was just such a happy day for me and my family.

my brother and I wrote letters to her which we will print and hand out at the wake. i can't believe its really real. i dont think it's sunk in yet. i am doing everything matter of factly, and keeping busy. i wonder when my breaking point will be - that moment that i realize i will never see her again.

she was the best mom. anyone who knew her, already felt the impact she could have on people. she was outspoken and full of life. she died and she wasnt even 60. i loved her more than anything and there is a part of me that will forever be empty.

i bear a grandchild she will never know. omg. but this child WILL know who she is.

mom, wherever you are, i love you so very much. i miss you every second of the day. i only hope that you are happy and at peace.

test was still positive. yay!

still crampy but read online that is normal. will make a doctors appt soon. Would have made it sooner but have been so busy.

almost told jae's family last night as we were all together under the same roof and FIL was complaining how he doesnt have any "Oh" grandchildren. but then...something came up and the subject changed and we never got around to it. better to let them know after an official blood test anyway, right?

ate a lot last night, samgypsal and kobe beef with lots of kim chi and scallion. but soon into the dinner, i felt sort of queasy. i think i was just tired though trick or treating with the kids. this morning, i paid for it. oh, the stomach pains!!! maybe i cant eat spicy anymore? or not to much? what a shame!

last night was our cousins Bens 30th birthday dinner. The first thing I felt like I wanted when I sat down was a glass of wine. It had been a long day with my mom. I even asked Jae, can i have a glass? he said no, absolutely not. I knew he was right, but I just had to ask. dang that wine looked good.

I got a Thai Iced Tea, which obviously has caffeine in it. Jae tsked me... I just didnt want anyone to get suspicious. Afterall, I am the one who always orders some sort of liquor. Jae tried to finish some of the iced tea for me but he hated it so I had the whole delicious thing to myself. and then a ginger ale after that. hehe.

I've been very crampy lately. Not sure if thats a normal or abnormal sign. It's hard bc I don't want to move too much but then again, I am lifting and helping my mom out a lot so i am putting strain on myself. I just hope the pregnancy goes ok, even though I am doing some hard stuff and getting no sleep.

In fact, I think I will take another pregnancy test today just to make sure.

so far my parents, grandparents and brother know. everyone is excited to say the least. But its still early. Still haven't made a drs appt. Still don't know what can happen in the next few weeks. My stomach feels crampy. Like period cramps but worse. I hear these could be implantation cramps? I dont' know. I just hope nothing is wrong.

In the meantime, I've gotten some grandma advice which always cracks me up.

Don't jump.
Don't eat lamb.
Don't be mean or the baby will be born mean.

OH baby.


i was alone when i took the test. Jae wasn't home yet and I had just gotten home for the first time in 4 days (staying with my mom and helping her through her medical conditions). I took the test, then showered and when I came out of the shower, I saw a faint line. My first reaction? I cried. I dont know why, or what i was feeling. fear? joy? or was it bc i quickly asked myself if my mom would be alive to see the baby be born. who knows, a lot of emotions going through my head.

Jae got home a short time later and I showed him the test. He said "what line?". It WAS faint... I dont think he believed me.

it looked a bit darker in person:


We headed back to my moms and on the way I bought a digital test.

At my moms, I took the test and it came back with the words loud and clear.



I showed Jae and you couldnt wipe the smile off his face.

I looked at him and said "now what?"

It was bittersweet.... my mom in one room, feeling miserable. me and jae in another feeling happy. I checked in on my mom, asking myself if I should tell her, maybe that would make her feel better? but I decided not to just yet.

I walked back out and passed Jae in the kitchen and he was still smiling to himself. I couldn't help but to smile myself.

I don't know how to feel...under normal circumstances, I would be spilling the secret. But I just got into a bit of a debate with my grandma over the care of my mom. My mom is not having a good day. Not quite the environment I had expected to tell the biggest news of my life.

In any case, tomorrow is a new day. A brand new day, with a brand new outlook.

Hadn't planned on telling anyone about us trying...but today, my friend Susan emailed me...and at first, I asked her to give me advice on conceiving. and eventually i told her my last 2 months had failed. I felt better after talking to her, and she certainly did lift my spirits. Getting my period had never been so disappointing. It evoked emotions in me I didnt know I had. Telling Jae doesnt quite help either, since I dont believe he can understand what my body and mind are truly feeling. Words cant describe it. But Susan knew. She herself had done IUI...and now has 2 of most gorgeous kids. Their family and marriage is one I always admired. I trust Susan and I know her words will carry me through this. Thank you Susan. I owe you one.

BFN #2

Well, I took the test. I didnt get the result I was looking for.

A few hours later, AF came.

Sigh. another disappointment. onto the next month....

back to new york. came home, went to pee and saw some blood. light blood though...spotting? could be onset of period? i have no idea. i guess i will find out later tonight or tomorrow. no, actually, i will take a test later when i have to pee again.

In Minneapolis on a business trip. Last night I had a glass of wine. Just one... but it was sort of a big one. On one side I couldn't help but to feel guilty. On the other, I have no reason to believe I am pregnant. So I drank it. They say to just live your normal life until your period is supposed to come...for me, thats this week.

Getting nervous now. What if AF comes? another disappointment. Nothing new has changed with my body...I don't feel pregnant... but one thing did happen that was sort of odd. I have no idea if this has anything to do with it but figured i'd just chart it here. I went #2 yesterday morning 5:30 AM before heading to airport. I went again last night after I got back to hotel room after dinner. then again this morning on an empty stomach. I go once a day and thats it. This is weird for me...or I could have just ate weird Minneapolis food. Who knows. what a mind trip. Oh, I also had a dry throat when waking up and starting coughing a bit and had a bad gag reflex. eek!

Last night I had a dream. I never remember my dreams but I remember this one. I had a house. I dont think the inside was all that but the backyard was to die for. It was above the whole world. Rasied up and and below and beyond were mountains and just a killer landscape. To the left of me were some taller modern looking structures, I dont know what they were, but through the hole of one, I could see the reddest, more orange sun. It was setting. I turned my back to the patio table to grab my camera and when I was ready to take a photo, the sky had turned dark. The sun set, just like that.

I've been having very mild cramping all week. They say these could be implantation pains!!! I hope so!!! They feel like ovulation pains, but they last for a longer time. If I wasn't aware of getting pregnant, I would probably just go about my day like normal without even noticing them.

yesterday was an interesting day. i felt sick on the LIRR. i was looking out the window and suddenly felt very dizzy... had to close my eyes. got home and felt "off" all night. hmmmm...

now for those of you looking to get pregnant one day, once you start trying, you will think every feeling in your body is related to you being pregnant. its all in the mind though, so i dont wanna jinx myself this time.

the waiting game. cannot test till DPO 10. Its only DPO 7. should i just test for the fun of it? no, why torture myself with possible false negatives.

lately the whole baby thing makes my heart ache. im so ready. i know im ready because i ache for one. i never ached for something so hard that it hurt, but it does. i look around...and i feel envy. envy for all of those who have a child. i am rarely envious of anything!! my heart drops....i think "i want THAT!". i feel selfish.... but i know i was ready at age 10. not THIS ready, but ready. the day i held little Lauren in my arms and I knew someday I wanted to hold my own. It's 22 years later....and I'm still waiting. Only now, the waiting is at a level 10.

Even though I knew I always wanted kids, there was always something that never allowed it to happen. It was the break up, it was the waiting to get married, it was the buying of a new house, it was the theft of the store, it was the opening of the new store.... and finally a window opened up. a window of clarity....i think now is the time. and for the one time when things around me stopped moving, it becomes clear to me that it is time to grab hold of my life long dream. the one thing i always knew would complete me.... the one thing i KNOW i was meant to do.

got a happy face last night. i was surprised since it was my day 12. it was my first time using the OPK as well....

BFN

Big Fat Negative.

Got my period Sept 3rd...and knew it wasn't true. Disappointment all around, but bounced back after a few hours.

Time to try again. Decided to go with an ovulation test this time around. Maybe more accurate than my estimates. Let's see!

Hi!

a new blog!

well as you can tell from the title of this blog, Jae and I are expecting a baby! It's so exciting. I've always wanted to be a mom. Time passed and before I knew it, I was 30 and not yet married. I also wanted to wait a year of being married before trying. Our year anniversary came and went and getting pregnant was not on the top of the list of things to do. Sometime in July I must have miscalculated my period, and I thought I was late. I was so late, in my mind, that I took a pregnancy test. I Wasn't even sure how to feel at that moment...I remember thinking, I'm not even ready. but after I found out it was negative, I knew I was ready to be a mom when I felt utter disappointment. In the weeks following that incident, I noticed myself staring and watching kids more often (than i normally do which is already exorbitant in my mind). I really felt like I was 100% ready to go forward with the next phase. And so, what better time to start?

And so, here we are.

*Note, the rest of my entries are written in the past