so much to update, but not sure where to start.

Thanksgiving came and went. Ate too much as usual and really tired myself out.

Our family thanksgiving was good. The usual...but of course, my mom was missing. I hope she knows no matter what, we are a strong family and we will always be together and have each other. All of us, cousins, aunts, uncles...even from across the country. Everyone will be fine as long as we're together. So so so incredibly grateful for my family, this year and every year. My cousin Vanessa made a tapioca dessert which was my moms recipe given to her by my mom about 10 years ago. It was something she often made for us growing up. It was a nice touch to honor her in that way.

The next day I hosted a dinner with the Oh's. It was fun. Kristen came over earlier, around noon, and we baked together and made scary Elmo lollipops. Around 5 or 6, the rest of the family showed up and we ate. I think they enjoyed themselves and we had a good time. I was beat though.

I can't believe Christmas is around the corner. I am planning to start shopping today. My mom loved Christmas. Every year we would put up our tree together. She loved her ornaments. She has boxes and boxes of ornaments. We would host an Xmas eve dinner and have hordourves and a meal together. It was nice. I'm glad she taught me to cherish the holidays, because though she is not here, I can have exactly what we always had every year, because of her.

In terms of baby, I had my first hormonal episode the other day. It was Saturday and I was cleaning after the Oh's left. It was messy...I mean I had to scrub off whole shoeprints off my wall! Who the F kicked my wall? anyway, somethings were taken from my office, brought downstairs and i only found them while i was cleaning and of course parts were missing etc. I had 11 ice cream cones in the box for dessert and the kids ONLY wanted to eat the cone. By the time the left,I had 3 left. So 8 cones were eaten...first of all, there are only 5 kids and not every kid ate a cone. Who the F was eating all the cones. Secondly, why do parents let their kid roam free in a house with something as crumbly as a cone? I found cone pieces under my sofa, under my stove, in huge chunks, and in little grind up pieces like someone stepped on them. I was annoyed.

So Jae wakes up and the first thing I say is "Omg your family is never coming over again. This place is a mess and my stuff is broken or missing". He said "Eh, well, it happens". and I said "not anymore its not". Let me stop here and just say i realize what i said was wrong. Of course they are going to come over, and of course they are welcome. But the thing Jae said next somehow made me see red. He said "Well, we'll see what happens when your family comes over for Christmas". Not sure why this set me off but I was like fuming. and silent. you really dont want to get me silent. I will always say what i have to say right then and there, but when im silent, you are dead meat.

So, I go about my day cleaning....but as im cleaning im throwing stuff. Like tossing the island stools into the cabinet. At one point, I physically lifted my dyson vacuum and chucked it onto the floor. Yes, only my wood floors. No scratches, thank goodness. Jae went into the garage to clean it up. As he was there, I would just chuck garbage and boxes into the garage wherever I wanted. It felt good to throw! and I didn't care that he was cleaning and I was dirtying at the same time.

This silent treatment lasted a day and a half. Why, I have no idea. I would also just cry sporadically. Wow, crazy. I have to say, my rant could not have been good for the baby, either emotionally or physically. so I definetely regret it. however, in the moment, I could not help it. I don't know what came over me. In any case, I have to try to keep calm, always.

I am still pretty tired often. Any little event and I will feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I hope this goes away after the first trimester. I am usually very energetic, but I feel beat and I feel like I look haggard. No desire to put on any sort of makeup or do my hair. The other day I went into the office wearing sweats.

Oh, I finally ordered some maternity stuff online. Not much, just a few stretchy pants. I can still fit into my pants obviously but the bloat is causing the waist to be kind of snug. I need something I can be comfortable in.

I worry everyday if my baby is ok or not. It's sort of stressful. everytime I go to the bathroom, I check for blood. scared to death and hoping i dont see any. I just read this horrible story where a pregnant lady had no problems with pregnancy and in her 8 month, they didn't find a heartbeat. The doctors were all stumped bc she had such an easy and problem-free pregnancy. So scary.... I pray and hope I can carry to full term and have a healthy, happy baby.

So I think this entry was long enough for today. I think I'll go for a walk and get some exercise. Ciao!