thinking a lot about my mom today. not sure why...i think it gets a bit harder for me as the days go on. i thought it would get easier.

my mom knew she was going to die.

i remember the time we were in the hospital the second time around. i was maybe fixing her blanket or something and out of nowhere, she just said to me "i think im going to die". i didnt know what to think, so i made a slight joke out of it. i said "wow, thats blunt." she said "well, not right NOW. im not hopeLESS, but i know im running out of time." I didn't have the heart to agree with her. I knew what she was saying was true, but I think i just said something along the lines of "well, we'll see what happens. we'll keep working at getting better and take things one day at a time". I remember texting judy and jae that day to tell them what she said to me, with tears in my eyes. i still think about it and tears still come to my eyes. only she knew her body...she knew what was going on in there and i can't imagine just knowing your life is ending.

the day she passed, i knew something was terribly wrong that morning. things just weren't going right. she was sleeping so much. by 12 noon, i woke her up and forced her to eat. i remember crying in front of her, because she really didn't want to, but i forced her. i told her "you cant make me just stand here and watch you not eat. i need you to have something in your stomach". she looked at me and nodded and ate like a champ. for me. her daughter. even though she didn't want to. i was cryig because i felt so bad. i had gone through so many conflicting thoughts in my head. on one hand, i wanted her to fight, i wanted to continue the physical therapy and i wanted her to eat. i spent so much effort trying to find different foods and textures she could swallow. on the other hand, i knew she wasnt getting better. i knew her life was struggling and i thought maybe i should just let her be. she didnt want to eat, so why force her. she didnt want to get up and move and do her exercises, so why should i make her do something she didnt want to do. it was a battle in my head everyday.

after she ate, she slept more. and more. and more. her eyes looked funny. i got scared and i even went up to her and said "mom, do you hear me? do you know who i am?". she gave me on of those "what are you crazy?" smiles and nodded her head. i thought, ok, maybe shes just REALLLY tired cuz obviously she can hear me, respond and thinks im crazy for asking that question. but then she kept sleeping. i remember around 4PM, i said something is wrong and i called her doctor. they told me it sounded like she was dehydrated...which made sense bc she was not eating or drinking..and that i should call 911. i had to tell my grandma. i didnt want to worry her, but i was scared too. i knew this was bad and i knew it wasn't just dehydration.

my grandma said yes, call 911. i held the cell phone in my hand for a good 2 minutes, just looking at the 911 number i dialed without pressing the send button. seriously, in my mind, i said to myself...should i just let her pass in home, in her bed where shes comfortable. then a part of me said "what if the doctor can do something for her?" so i took a big breath and called 911. she was responding to me. and when i asked her to squeeze my hand, she would. so i thought, maybe she could be saved. conflicts in my head. thats all i dealt with.

at the ER, she seemed like she was getting better. i thought maybe it was dehydration then, since she was getting fluids at the time. she opened her eyes and i asked her if she knew where she was. she nodded her head.

But we got put into an ER room and so quickly it went downhill. i asked her about what she wanted done to save her life...she was no longer responding to me or squeezing my hand. thats when i knew it was coming. i saw her take some huge breaths....and then...flat line. i remember saying over and over again "oh no, oh no oh no.." and then 2 seconds later just saying "its ok, its ok, its ok". telling her, its ok that shes gone.

telling my grandma....that was hard. i had to get her and jae from the waiting room. she couldnt believe it. she was just dumbstruck... she asked me if this was a joke. she begged me to tell her it wasn't true. the doctors and nurses were all crying. she broke down. the pain was unbearable. and then, next second you know, jae is down, passed out on the ground. everyone rushed over to him...my grandma was so scared. but the doctor said he just passed out because of the stress. he was so upset...and continued to be upset for a week about my mom. i had never seen him so torn up....

well, then it was time to head back home after grieving. my brother was away on a trip with his class. so i had to call him. he was so upset and so upset he was away at the time it happened. "i never got a chance to say goodbye" he told me. he asked to be picked up to come home and jae and my dad went to get him.

back at grandmas, as soon as we get into the house, my grandmother shouts to my grandpa "shes dead...shes dead!" just screaming. my grandpa wails and breaks down. they are holding each other so tight and just sobbing and crying. but i had to stay strong. surprisingly, i did not shed many tears throughout the whole thing. i had to stay strong for everyone. i had to convince them she was in a better place and that she was unhappy the way she was, even though i knew all she wanted was a second chance at life. she really wanted to fight and be healthy for us all. i held back my tears for my grandparents and let them just grieve. it was a long night....

i know this is all so personal but i write this to let it out. i have a baby inside me now and i need to relieve my stress, get things out and then move on. i write this today because its been a hard day. i've been thinking about her, and maybe i just needed a good cry. that cry that i havent quite been able to have yet.

i am not afraid to admit that i get jealous of those with mothers. i can look at someone and say "you're 55 years old and still have a mother" or "you're 40 and still have a mother." im jealous. i wish i could still have mine. im too young and shes too young for this to all happen. i have to rid myself of this horrible jealousy.

so there it is. my release.