boobs are sore. and i am Soooooo tired. i dont know if its just dealing with my moms passing or what but i am exhausted. i get a full 7-8 hours of sleep every night and yet a few hours after i wake up, i need a nap. i was never like this. i dont know if its the baby or just the stuff going on though.

still a bit crampy....sometimes it does alarm me. doctor said to try to take it easy but how can i with so much going on.

moms funeral is in 2 days. so dreading it! but i know its going to be a packed house. she had so many friends, family and loved ones. the funeral home said that they know its going to be a lot of people because they keep getting calls. one person told me they called the funeral parlor and before they could say anything the funeral parlor was like "i know i know. wednesday, Janet Won, right?". they were so busy thanks to my mom. this makes me so happy. so happy for her. the outpouring of stories and fond memories of my mom overwhelms me. she was a good person, not a bad thing about her. people LOVED her. she had an energy and made an impression. its going to be a hard 2 days. first the funeral, then the burial the next day. and im sort of scared to go on with my life. its almost like i spend all my days doing stuff for her now. it seems wrong to just move on.

we ended up not using the dress she wore to my wedding. her arms weren't covered up and i guess thats a no-no. yesterday my grandma and i spent a few hours at macys trying to find something nice. do you know what its like shopping for a deceased person. do you know what its like when that person is your mother. it was a horrible job. then we go and drop off the clothes today and they tell me, since she lost so much weight, she is too skinny and now needs a scarf to cover her up more. sigh. i just hope they make her look as good as they can. she was a beautiful person with a beautiful smile. i dont want that ruined.

we are going to do some of "Mom's favorite things" at the funeral. we wiil lay out some of her favorite snacks for people. trail mix, craisins, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels etc. i think its going to be a nice touch. i also specified i did NOT want that creepy scary funeral music. instead we will bring in our own CD of some soft music. i also made a collage of her pictures. we picked a beautiful picture of her to enlarge. sigh. i still cant believe shes gone. i still feel her around me, and even within me. i hope i never stop feeling this way.

the day before we started cleaning out her room. her jewelry, files, trinkets.

today we started cleaning out the stuff in the basement. her stuff. TONS of stuff. who knew she was such a hoarder. she had our 2nd grade report cards! she kept everything. i got to take a lot of her stuff home. stuff that reminds me of her and my childhood. it was a BIG job though....i was pooped.

i also cleaned my whole house today. after a month of not cleaning, it was a big job. but i wanted the house spic and span for my mom.

tomorrow i will get a haircut and continue cleaning out her stuff. i love going throgh her things becasue it keeps me close to her. i wonder what i will do when this is all over. how will my grandparents be...i will obviously have to be over there a lot more and take over all the responsibilites my mom had. i guess i just have to take it day by day for now.

everything else besides my mom seems so insignificant at this point. poor baby has taken a back seat. i didnt even know the yankees won the world series till days later. i dont even know what day it is most of the time. i sometimes do go on facebook to get a break but i look at all the status comments and think "SO WHAT?" At this moment, i could care less what you're eating, or what youre doing. everything that is being updated seems so....unimportant. i cant go on facebook anymore. its just too annoying.

i miss you mom.