5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Feeling ok, no nausea, no nothing except some cramping.

oh, and a pain in my heart.

my mom passed away 3 days ago. it still doesn't seem real. yesterday and the day before, i was at a funeral home and cemetary picking out her gravesite. morbid, and scary, and final. today i picked out her outfit. i found it fitting for us to find her the dress she wore to my wedding. she looked awesome in that dress. i also found a picture for us to enlarge. also, another photo from my wedding. it was just such a happy day for me and my family.

my brother and I wrote letters to her which we will print and hand out at the wake. i can't believe its really real. i dont think it's sunk in yet. i am doing everything matter of factly, and keeping busy. i wonder when my breaking point will be - that moment that i realize i will never see her again.

she was the best mom. anyone who knew her, already felt the impact she could have on people. she was outspoken and full of life. she died and she wasnt even 60. i loved her more than anything and there is a part of me that will forever be empty.

i bear a grandchild she will never know. omg. but this child WILL know who she is.

mom, wherever you are, i love you so very much. i miss you every second of the day. i only hope that you are happy and at peace.