so tomorrow is thanksgiving. it hit me driving today that my mom isn't here for this. i hate driving now. everytime i am driving, i am alone with my thoughts. i am about 75% of the time crying for 5 minutes.

I seem to cry more now than i did before the funeral. Before the funeral, I felt like a rock. I felt strong. i didn't cry much. But after the funeral, maybe it seems more real now. Or maybe its the baby hormones. I dont know. All i know is, i get sad more easily now...i cry instantly. but it only lasts a few minutes. i think about her a lot. i am always talking to her too. i hope she hears me.

its still unbelievable to me that shes not here. i still picture her face and she is so damned alive. she loved thanksgiving. not for the holiday but for the family gathering. it is something special...i was determined to have thanksgiving this year and tomorrow, we will celebrate. for her.

the other day as i told my sister in law my due date, she said "ooh lucky number 7!". i hadnt even really thought about that. and one second i am happy, saying what a cool due date and the next second i am sad, because, man my mom would have enjoyed that too. i was sad because i couldn't tell her my due date.

so i start to think about this "lucky" part. yeah, my baby is pretty lucky. and a fighter. after finding out i am pregnant, i continued to watch my mom... not sleeping in my own bed for weeks, waking up every 2 hours in the middle of the night, running low on energy and sleep. i had to physically lift my mom sometimes to help her out. i had to give her physical therapy. i was scared and frightened when i called 911. i watched her pass away. i nurtured my devastated grandparents and family through this. i watched them cry, and crumble but i held strong, refusing to let them see me break. if i was sad, then they would be sad. no, that is not what my mom would have wanted.

i made arrangements for her funeral, i buried her. then continued to watch and visit my grandparents, while things at work change. new office, new location, new bosses, new fights and arguments.

All the while, my little baby survived. My baby held strong and firm. I saw that heart beating fighting with every pulse. I was worried for my baby a lot of the times. I tried not to stress, tried to take it easy, but i knew with everything going on, there was a chance it would be too much for something just the size of a blueberry to take. Maybe thats why i was so relieved when i finally saw the heart beating on the sonogram. My baby made it. My baby's a fighter, just like my mom was. If he/she can make it through this, then he/she will make it through anything.

Not even into my second trimester and I am already a proud mommy.