boobs are sore. and i am Soooooo tired. i dont know if its just dealing with my moms passing or what but i am exhausted. i get a full 7-8 hours of sleep every night and yet a few hours after i wake up, i need a nap. i was never like this. i dont know if its the baby or just the stuff going on though.

still a bit crampy....sometimes it does alarm me. doctor said to try to take it easy but how can i with so much going on.

moms funeral is in 2 days. so dreading it! but i know its going to be a packed house. she had so many friends, family and loved ones. the funeral home said that they know its going to be a lot of people because they keep getting calls. one person told me they called the funeral parlor and before they could say anything the funeral parlor was like "i know i know. wednesday, Janet Won, right?". they were so busy thanks to my mom. this makes me so happy. so happy for her. the outpouring of stories and fond memories of my mom overwhelms me. she was a good person, not a bad thing about her. people LOVED her. she had an energy and made an impression. its going to be a hard 2 days. first the funeral, then the burial the next day. and im sort of scared to go on with my life. its almost like i spend all my days doing stuff for her now. it seems wrong to just move on.

we ended up not using the dress she wore to my wedding. her arms weren't covered up and i guess thats a no-no. yesterday my grandma and i spent a few hours at macys trying to find something nice. do you know what its like shopping for a deceased person. do you know what its like when that person is your mother. it was a horrible job. then we go and drop off the clothes today and they tell me, since she lost so much weight, she is too skinny and now needs a scarf to cover her up more. sigh. i just hope they make her look as good as they can. she was a beautiful person with a beautiful smile. i dont want that ruined.

we are going to do some of "Mom's favorite things" at the funeral. we wiil lay out some of her favorite snacks for people. trail mix, craisins, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels etc. i think its going to be a nice touch. i also specified i did NOT want that creepy scary funeral music. instead we will bring in our own CD of some soft music. i also made a collage of her pictures. we picked a beautiful picture of her to enlarge. sigh. i still cant believe shes gone. i still feel her around me, and even within me. i hope i never stop feeling this way.

the day before we started cleaning out her room. her jewelry, files, trinkets.

today we started cleaning out the stuff in the basement. her stuff. TONS of stuff. who knew she was such a hoarder. she had our 2nd grade report cards! she kept everything. i got to take a lot of her stuff home. stuff that reminds me of her and my childhood. it was a BIG job though....i was pooped.

i also cleaned my whole house today. after a month of not cleaning, it was a big job. but i wanted the house spic and span for my mom.

tomorrow i will get a haircut and continue cleaning out her stuff. i love going throgh her things becasue it keeps me close to her. i wonder what i will do when this is all over. how will my grandparents be...i will obviously have to be over there a lot more and take over all the responsibilites my mom had. i guess i just have to take it day by day for now.

everything else besides my mom seems so insignificant at this point. poor baby has taken a back seat. i didnt even know the yankees won the world series till days later. i dont even know what day it is most of the time. i sometimes do go on facebook to get a break but i look at all the status comments and think "SO WHAT?" At this moment, i could care less what you're eating, or what youre doing. everything that is being updated seems so....unimportant. i cant go on facebook anymore. its just too annoying.

i miss you mom.

5 weeks
Your baby has grown to the size of a sesame seed, looking more like a tiny tadpole than a human.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

I can't believe all this is growing inside of me!

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Feeling ok, no nausea, no nothing except some cramping.

oh, and a pain in my heart.

my mom passed away 3 days ago. it still doesn't seem real. yesterday and the day before, i was at a funeral home and cemetary picking out her gravesite. morbid, and scary, and final. today i picked out her outfit. i found it fitting for us to find her the dress she wore to my wedding. she looked awesome in that dress. i also found a picture for us to enlarge. also, another photo from my wedding. it was just such a happy day for me and my family.

my brother and I wrote letters to her which we will print and hand out at the wake. i can't believe its really real. i dont think it's sunk in yet. i am doing everything matter of factly, and keeping busy. i wonder when my breaking point will be - that moment that i realize i will never see her again.

she was the best mom. anyone who knew her, already felt the impact she could have on people. she was outspoken and full of life. she died and she wasnt even 60. i loved her more than anything and there is a part of me that will forever be empty.

i bear a grandchild she will never know. omg. but this child WILL know who she is.

mom, wherever you are, i love you so very much. i miss you every second of the day. i only hope that you are happy and at peace.

test was still positive. yay!

still crampy but read online that is normal. will make a doctors appt soon. Would have made it sooner but have been so busy.

almost told jae's family last night as we were all together under the same roof and FIL was complaining how he doesnt have any "Oh" grandchildren. but then...something came up and the subject changed and we never got around to it. better to let them know after an official blood test anyway, right?

ate a lot last night, samgypsal and kobe beef with lots of kim chi and scallion. but soon into the dinner, i felt sort of queasy. i think i was just tired though trick or treating with the kids. this morning, i paid for it. oh, the stomach pains!!! maybe i cant eat spicy anymore? or not to much? what a shame!

last night was our cousins Bens 30th birthday dinner. The first thing I felt like I wanted when I sat down was a glass of wine. It had been a long day with my mom. I even asked Jae, can i have a glass? he said no, absolutely not. I knew he was right, but I just had to ask. dang that wine looked good.

I got a Thai Iced Tea, which obviously has caffeine in it. Jae tsked me... I just didnt want anyone to get suspicious. Afterall, I am the one who always orders some sort of liquor. Jae tried to finish some of the iced tea for me but he hated it so I had the whole delicious thing to myself. and then a ginger ale after that. hehe.

I've been very crampy lately. Not sure if thats a normal or abnormal sign. It's hard bc I don't want to move too much but then again, I am lifting and helping my mom out a lot so i am putting strain on myself. I just hope the pregnancy goes ok, even though I am doing some hard stuff and getting no sleep.

In fact, I think I will take another pregnancy test today just to make sure.

so far my parents, grandparents and brother know. everyone is excited to say the least. But its still early. Still haven't made a drs appt. Still don't know what can happen in the next few weeks. My stomach feels crampy. Like period cramps but worse. I hear these could be implantation cramps? I dont' know. I just hope nothing is wrong.

In the meantime, I've gotten some grandma advice which always cracks me up.

Don't jump.
Don't eat lamb.
Don't be mean or the baby will be born mean.

OH baby.


i was alone when i took the test. Jae wasn't home yet and I had just gotten home for the first time in 4 days (staying with my mom and helping her through her medical conditions). I took the test, then showered and when I came out of the shower, I saw a faint line. My first reaction? I cried. I dont know why, or what i was feeling. fear? joy? or was it bc i quickly asked myself if my mom would be alive to see the baby be born. who knows, a lot of emotions going through my head.

Jae got home a short time later and I showed him the test. He said "what line?". It WAS faint... I dont think he believed me.

it looked a bit darker in person:


We headed back to my moms and on the way I bought a digital test.

At my moms, I took the test and it came back with the words loud and clear.



I showed Jae and you couldnt wipe the smile off his face.

I looked at him and said "now what?"

It was bittersweet.... my mom in one room, feeling miserable. me and jae in another feeling happy. I checked in on my mom, asking myself if I should tell her, maybe that would make her feel better? but I decided not to just yet.

I walked back out and passed Jae in the kitchen and he was still smiling to himself. I couldn't help but to smile myself.

I don't know how to feel...under normal circumstances, I would be spilling the secret. But I just got into a bit of a debate with my grandma over the care of my mom. My mom is not having a good day. Not quite the environment I had expected to tell the biggest news of my life.

In any case, tomorrow is a new day. A brand new day, with a brand new outlook.