12 weeks and 5 days

Today we had our ultrascreen. The ultrascreen is a sonogram test where they measure the fluid behind the baby's neck to determine any chances of down syndrome. In addition, I took a blood test to also check out some numbers for any deficiencies. So far, from the sonogram, it looks ok. The technician said the measurements seemed good and the doctors were happy with it so I am to just wait for the blood results in a week.

Onto the sonogram. This was amazing. My baby has a head! and arms! and legs! so much has changed since our little bean 4 weeks ago (7 weeks, 5 days).

here was our christmas card/pregnancy announcement this year:



heres our baby now:
(first pic, you can see his arm right under his chin)




The baby was going crazy moving all around! At first, I thought something was wrong with it. But the technician said it was normal. It looked like it was spasming. I did have orange juice and a waffle with syrup this morning. You think the baby was on a sugar high? hehe.

It was so cool to see it move, and raise it's arms up. The technician was also able to see the bottom side between the legs...and she gave us her 60% guess on what she thought it was. I won't say anything right now. hehe. We also got to hear the heartbeat again and see the brain and stomach. The stomach already had a black pouch in it, which means the baby is already swallowing and drinking! I saw both my ovaries and also bowel gas. Bowel gas just looks like blackness and it impedes the sight of other things. hahah. there was a lot of it. haha.

anyway, all in all a great doctors appointment. I wish i could share this with my mom!

Another holiday come and gone. Christmas weekend was fun!

I am still feeling pretty good but I think hosting christmas wore me out just a bit. I felt fine the day of, but the next day, I cleaned in the morning and for the rest of the afternoon and night I was practically comatose. Totally dazed.

I did manage to run out and take advantage of some 50% off Christmas sales. After that, I came back and had severe constipation. This is TMI, but I was on the toilet for 30-45 minutes.... i was in so much pain, i have to assume this was the closest I would ever get to labor. It hurt so much but yet it wouldn't come out. I was huffing, puffing, doing pseudo-lamaze, took my pants off, prayed...everything. I won't get into the nasty details, because there are a few...however, I will say that once i was done, I was in heaven. I was sort of in shock as well. It was a relief. and certainly, i will continue to eat my fiber and water (which i slacked on the past few days due to the holiday meals)...so that that never happens again!

Well, after that whole ordeal, I went straight to take a nap. It was a 2 hour nap before jae came home and woke me up. i made us a little christmas leftover meal and just laid on the sofa for the rest of the night. We attempted to watch a movie at 9 but i quickly fell asleep and did not wake up till 7:30 the next morning. I think my body really needed a rest. My mind kept telling me to get up and keep cleaning and go do things, but my body was screaming for some relaxation. So i let me body take over and did nothing all night.

Aside from the bad constipation, I am very very absent minded these days. This pisses me off because I like to be on point. I like my lists, and I like to take care of everything at once. But lately, and I don't know if this has anything to do with pregnancy or not, I am very forgetful. I take twice as long to do something because I usually made a mistake somewhere along the way.

For example, one day, I was running around....of course, I cannot hold my pee in like I used to, so I had to make an emergency stop at home to pee. This annoys me as well bc I usually like to get to 5-6 places in one shot and then go home, but this pit stop holds me up. Anyway, I came home, peed and changed into some more comfortable clothes. I also switched jackets. I get to the supermarket and realize my shopping list (for christmas!) was in my other jacket at home. UGH! I hate not having my shoping list. So i had to go by memory and of course i forgot MAD stuff and had to go back to the market another day. Very annoying.

The other day I was tyring to find Sports Authority. I thought I knew where i was going but apparently not.... I went very far down Old Country Road. Only to turn around again.... It turns out, sports authority was right where i had left off... i wasted about half an hour of driving for nothing! the thing is, if i had just looked out the window, i would have seen it... i also had a suspicion it was right there, but for some reason, abesent mindedly drove way down. stupid move.

One day i also left my laptop at home....i drove to work, only to have to turn around again to pick up my computer.

I really hope this is the baby...and not me just losing my mind. I like to be efficient and not waste time. I like to get a lot of things done in one shot. This is all i know. If this has changed forever, I am not sure how I will cope. haha.

recurrance

ok so 2 seconds after i wrote the last entry, the song "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I hear this song whenever I think of my mom. It started right after her passing. I heard the song on the radio and I thought, "aww this reminds me of my mom". Since then, I keep hearing it everywhere. Is it me? or just happens to be a popular song? Whats funny, is that about half hour ago, my co-worker changed the radio station. Different radio stations and the song still comes on. Watching "the Sing Off" the other day, I was reading a baby book wondering if my mom knew all this stuff and suddenly the accapella group starts singing this song. I looked up instantly. Weird. Driving to work and driving home...i hear the song...the other day i was re-thinking this fight i had with my dad...and the song comes on. She hated when we fought.

So I start thinking about my previous blog entry about the woman who lost her young husband to brain cancer...and how she kept hearing the same song on the radio wherever she went.

Sign? or coincidence? am i just looking for too many signs because I want so desperately for there to be one?

life vs death

i know this is overly dramatic to say but sometimes i wonder if my mom gave her life so my baby could live. they do say with life, comes death. or vice versa. i see my baby as a rebirth of my mom's soul and spirit, somehow someway. its comforting to think about. maybe my baby was born to give me hope and happiness in a time of utter darkness. i dont know how, but i feel the 2 life changing events are somehow related, somehow linked. i almost feel like my baby will be born and look like my mom. wouldn't that just be awesome? or maybe its creepy? not sure.

you know how when one baby is born somewhere in the world someone dies? what if it just happened to happen in the same household for me?

11 weeks and 3 days

Today we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It beats so fast! I didn't get a sonogram, the doctor just used the doppler. At the time she was getting the heartbeat, the baby was moving! So the baby moved out of the way and she couldn't find the heartbeat again bc he/she kept moving hehe.

All I could think of when I heard the heartbeat was RELIEF! At first she couldn't find the heartbeat...nervous! But then she said, no worries, its a small heart so its hard to find at first. I know every soon to be mom will have these worries, but I feel like I am extra paranoid for these reasons:

1. I have no morning sickness or any sickness. Not complaining, but at least if I Was sick, I would know the baby is still there, alive and creating changes to my body.

2. My boobs are not any bigger nor are they sore. Another typical sign of pregnancy that I don't have.

3. My constipation (typical of any pregnancy) went away. The constipation is caused by extra progesterone which helps support the baby. If it went away, I questioned why it did.

So for these reasons, it is very hard for me to know whats going on inside there. But luckily, the heartbeat was there and I felt instant relief.

Everything seems to be on track thus far. My weight is good actually and she said I didn't gain a pound since I last saw her 4 weeks ago. I do think my total is about 5 lbs gained though. I thought that was high but she said it was ok. I also got the swine flu shot today.

Other than that, very excited for my 12/28 ultrascreen. I will see the baby again!

11 weeks

I am 11 weeks today. It stills feels like longer.

Really, this whole pregnancy thing has been non eventful. I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really feel pregnant except for my expanding belly. I still haven't thrown up once. I hosted my yearly friends holiday party this past weekend and I survived with no problems. I still do everything I normally do. My baby highlight of the day was that I went to order Greek food for lunch. My lunch came with a soda and she asked me what i wanted. I wasn't sure what was caffeine free so i picked orange (Crush). I came back to the office to look it up and its caffeine free. score! It was delicious.

I'm planning to tell my 2 cousins and brothers girlfriend this Thursday at dinner. I will have also had my doctors appointment that morning. If all goes well at the appt, I Can tell them. I will feel so free! I am looking forward to this a lot. Not only to just tell them but I think I can get some good advice from my cousin who had her baby a year ago. She's more in turned with what I want to happen. Also, I can finally reveal this blog to MeeJin! It's been private up until now.

I have 2 doctors appointments before the end of the year. Looking forward to both and seeing my little baby again! It's very nerve wracking when you dont feel pregnant bc I always think somethings wrong. If I can see him/her on the screen, I'll know he/she is ok. Wish us luck!

Here's what he/she looks like now!

so sometimes i follow this blog about this wife/mother who lost her very young husband to brain cancer. It was heartbreaking reading her story....and after my mom passed, i found her posts to be somewhat comforting. The other day she wrote this post, which i wanted to share. could this happen to me too? i will look out. her husband passed in august...and her psychic said her husband was with her in december. so 4 months. maybe my moms not with me now....but maybe by March, i will have her with me.


Spirits and readings and cars, oh my.
Dec 2 2009 11:52AM
Today's entry takes a little suspension of disbelief. And I'll say up front that I'm one of the most cynical and skeptical people out there, so keep that in mind.


It starts with a massage the week after Scott died.

My mom and I dropped off Logan at school and decided to treat ourselves to massages at my favorite place, the Urban Muse.

Now in addition to regualr "spa" experiences, the Muse also specializes in angel readings. mediums, reiki, etc.

I've never done any of those things. I've been to psychics in the past, and even though I've had some pretty amazing readings, I'm always still a little wary of the whole "business".

But on this particular day my masseuse was finishing my massage and she says to me "Do you mind if I ask you something?"

I was prepared for a sales pitch about what lotion or oil I need for my dry skin.

When I give her the go ahead, she says to me "I normally don't do this, but your aura is too strong. Have you had a recent loss?"

I kind of choke and say yes, my husband just passed.

She gives her condolences, then says "But that's not who I see."

"I see an older woman, curly black hair. She's a very strong presence around you right now. She keeps saying 'I love you, I love you, I love you' and telling you that you can do this. 'Atta girl'"

At that point I have no idea what to say, because she's just described my paternal grandmother to a T.

Her "thing" was to say "l love you, I love you, I love you." JUST like the woman said it. And she had short black curly hair, not a typical grandmom hairdo.

I told the woman that it sounded like my grandmother. She said it was normal for a previously passed spirit to come to you when someone close to you passes.

The newer spirit isn't strong enough to come yet, but someone "steps in" for them.

She didn't pressure me to get an angel reading or say anything "salesy". Just told me that I had a lot of spiritual help around me and whatever I believed in, God, a higher being, whatever, to make sure I kept an open mind in the upcoming months so I would invite Scott's spirit when he was ready.

She also told me to pick the time or place that was most special to us and to "listen" for the vibrations because that's when he would come to me.

She hugged me goodbye and told me to pray to the archangel Gabriel if I wanted more guidance and help.

And that was it.

Kind of creepy. My mom was totally freaked out when I told her.


I thought about it every now and then, but didn't think a whole lot about it until a couple weeks ago at my company's health fair.

The Urban Muse had a table at the health fair and they were giving free chair massages and angel readings.

My staff decided I NEEDED to have an angel reading and signed me up.

Well, I go to the table and sit down and it's the same woman who gave me a massage.

She told me I looked familiar and I told her I go to the Muse a lot, so maybe she had given me a massage before.

She asks if I have had an angel reading before and I told her no.

She explains that she will be using three decks of cards and a crystal and the angels would guide her to the correct deck and card to answer the question I had.

So she asked me to ask a question.

I told her my husband had passed away recently and the end was hard and I had to make a lot of decisions for him and I wanted to make sure I had made the right ones.

She stopped and looked at me and said "I remember you now. Your grandmother isn't with you anymore, but your husband is."

I'm a little taken aback, it was almost 3 months ago that she saw me.

She takes her crystal and waves it over each deck of cards. It reminds me of Charmed when the girls would scry for something.

She picks her deck, then starts to go through the cards, one by one.

She stops on one and turns it over. It's the Angel of Knowledge. She says to me that as long as I made decisions with all the knowledge that was available to me - medical, physical, spiritual, I did the right thing.

I feel oddly comforted about that.

At this point, my "free" reading is over and it's someone else's turn. The Manager comes over and tells the woman that it's time to move to someone else, they have a lot of people signed up.

She tells her she will be done with me in just a minute.

Then she says to me, quietly "I need to pull another card for you. There is something else he's trying to tell you."

The next card she pulls is the card of music. She asks me if I played music for Scott throughout his sickness.

I get a bit nauseous at this one, because I played music for him the whole time he was in the hospital, right up to the point where he stopped breathing.

She says that to feel his presence more and to make sure he can continue to come to me I have to keep playing music that meant something to us.

She also says that he will send me messages through music - to listen for any song patterns - songs that come in threes for me.

"In fact," she says, "make sure you pay attention to anything that comes in threes to you - an image, a song, a word even. That's your husband telling you something."

She's almost yelling this to me by this time, because the manager has come over twice to tell her it's time to stop with me and move on to someone else.

I'm feeling guilty for hogging her, but she won't let me leave. She tells me once more to pay attention to any recurring themes.

I have to run upstairs to a meeting and I go on with the rest of my day.

That day on the way home, I'm flipping through the radio stations as we are stuck in traffic and the song "I Hope You Dance" comes on.

I honestly don't think a thing about it. I like the song, I haven't heard it in a while.

The next morning we get in the car to go to school, and it's on again. Different station.

It registers in my brain that it's kind of odd to hear it twice, but I dismiss it.

Guess what song is on in my employee's office when I get to work that morning? Yep. It's on her ipod playlist and it happens to be playing when I go in there.

Okay. Weird. And I've continued to hear it over and over. In restaurants. In stores. On the radio.

Maybe it's just coincidence. Maybe it's a message. I don't know. But it's definitely made me think.

And I've also been paying attention to other things in threes as well.

The most notable of which came last week when I finally donated Scott's car to the MS Society.

A tow truck came to get it, since the battery died.

Logan and I were JUST about to get in the car to go to work and school when it pulled up.

To a two year old boy, getting to watch a tow truck is like Santa Claus coming, so we got out of the car and watched.

I explain to Logan that we are saying goodbye to Daddy's car and giving it to someone else who needs it.

He gets really upset with me. "NO! DADDY NEEDS IT!"

I explain to him that Daddy can't drive it anymore since he died. Logan bursts into tears and says "I Want Daddy to Get Better and Come Back."

The tow truck driver gives me a look, I just keep paying attention to Logan.

I explain again that since daddy got sick and died he can't talk to us anymore or do the things he used to do, including driving the car.

Logan nods and looks at me through big blue tear filled eyes. "But we look at pictures of him, right mommy?"

My heart is breaking into five million little pieces, but I say "Yes, we can look at pictures."

Then Logan says "Okay. We can give the car to other daddies."

Sweet kid.

So we watch the tow truck driver again, as he's gotten the car about 95% up on the flatbed.

Suddenly there is a BANG and the Lincoln goes rolling into the middle of my backyard.

We all freeze and the tow truck guy says "Oh my god. It broke the chain. That's never happened before."

I say nothing.

Logan applauds.

The guys maneuvers the car back to the driveway and hooks it up to a different set of chains. The ones they use for heavy-duty equipment.

The car again gets halfway up the flatbed. This time the trunk flies open and the front wheels get stuck on the edge of the flatbed.

The guy looks at me and half jokingly says "This car does not want to leave."

Again, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I take a deep breath and I say outloud, to myself "It's just a car. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean we are forgetting."

I realize as I'm saying this that it's as much to Scott as it is to myself. I feel embarrassed to even be saying that, but it's true.

The guy finally gets it up on the flatbed and I sign the title over to him. He gets in his truck and leaves.

Logan and I pile into the car to go to school and work, which I'm now late for yet again.

And the tow truck is in front of us for a good 3 miles.

Logan is saying "Bye daddy's car!" over and over.

I'm trying not to lose it as I drive.

I'm just kind of freaked out over the whole thing.


So there you have it. My freaky story of spirits and readings and cars, oh my.

so my office got the Keurig coffee machine. Its awesome. since we got it, i've been eyeing it and watching all my coworkers use it. Today, I decided a little caffeine won't hurt and i will try a cup.

It was delicious. so good.... but about a 1/4 of the way through my cup, my heart started beating super fast. yikes. and i got a bit of heartburn. ok, well decaf it is. =)

my belly is growing. but im not sure why.... i know the baby isn't big enough to make a dent...and the uterus should still be behind the pelvis. is it bloat? gas? it's partially fat but not THAT much.

I am up 3.2 lbs as of today from my first sonogram. Need to maintain!

Christmas shopping is so slow for me this year. I have no idea what to get anyone. Yet my office is just strewn with random packages waiting to be wrapped. i up to $800 spent with more to go. I do love Christmas time. Regardless of how much i complain of the crowds, the money spent etc, I still look forward to spending much time with all of my family.

10 weeks

my baby is a little over an inch long now. the photo above is incredible. how can something so tiny have so many features already? I am over the critical portion of development and now tissues and organs are beginning to grow. My belly has a slight bulge...I can't suck it in anymore. I think its mostly just bloat though cuz I am mad gassy and my belly is harder.

Aside from the tiredness, I don't feel too pregnant. I am excited to see the baby again though, perhaps Dec 17th. I've seen some people's ultrasound at this time and there is a head and arms and legs that you can see. I can't wait to see this.

I've told 2 friends so far. I believe Jae has told some of his friends. I am not planning to tell most people, family included until after 12/17, my fist ultrascreen. If all goes well there, I will feel better about sending out my Christmas card/Pregnancy announcement.

I hope baby is growing, and is healthy and happy inside.

Gearing up for my friends Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner this weekend. Am excited to see everyone =)

got this email this morning.

Hi Jessie,

Thanks for sending the pictures and the trip down memory lane.

So when I saw your email this morning, instead of getting ready for work I started going my pictures to look for this one. You may have it already, but this picture captures I think the spirit of your mom's and my relationship. Here we are, 30+ (at least I was) year olds walking down the streets of the nation's capital waving to people with those head things on (with you in the background probably thinking, grow up you two!). You can only imagine what we did as teenagers in Chinatown with parents who worked 12 hours a day! Of course, I can reveal that now because all you guys are now mature adults :).

Love,
Aunt May



I love you, mom.

its so amazing what can remind me of my mom. i was walking through the mall the other day and passed by one of her favorite stores. i felt sadness instantly. its one of those "aww, mom" feelings. why can't she be here? i was reading a book for book club and at the end, the mom dies. can i tell you i burst into tears. like i had to bite my fist so jae couldn't see i was crying. its only a story and yet hit so close to home. I heard on the Z100 one of the DJ's say the word "text message". No big deal, right? But instantly, i think of my mom and how she always used to say "tex-mex" instead of text message. why, i have no idea. she really thought thats what it's called. it was part of her quirkyness i miss so much. so not fair.

anyway, only baby news. i finally gave in and bought one of those belly bands. while not an ideal situation for me, i have to admit it is more comfortable than wearing my regular jeans.



i also officially have a pooch. wherein, if i wear a regular shirt, you will see that i look fat.

my aunt from california is so sweet. she sent me her daughters old book of What to Expect the First Year. Also, included a sweet card, Pea in the Pod gift certificate and some maternity samples. And also a book called "On the Day you were Born". I love this book..... how did she know? she didnt, she just loved it too. omg, i was so touched. Thank you so much Aunt May. I love you and miss you!!!

so much to update, but not sure where to start.

Thanksgiving came and went. Ate too much as usual and really tired myself out.

Our family thanksgiving was good. The usual...but of course, my mom was missing. I hope she knows no matter what, we are a strong family and we will always be together and have each other. All of us, cousins, aunts, uncles...even from across the country. Everyone will be fine as long as we're together. So so so incredibly grateful for my family, this year and every year. My cousin Vanessa made a tapioca dessert which was my moms recipe given to her by my mom about 10 years ago. It was something she often made for us growing up. It was a nice touch to honor her in that way.

The next day I hosted a dinner with the Oh's. It was fun. Kristen came over earlier, around noon, and we baked together and made scary Elmo lollipops. Around 5 or 6, the rest of the family showed up and we ate. I think they enjoyed themselves and we had a good time. I was beat though.

I can't believe Christmas is around the corner. I am planning to start shopping today. My mom loved Christmas. Every year we would put up our tree together. She loved her ornaments. She has boxes and boxes of ornaments. We would host an Xmas eve dinner and have hordourves and a meal together. It was nice. I'm glad she taught me to cherish the holidays, because though she is not here, I can have exactly what we always had every year, because of her.

In terms of baby, I had my first hormonal episode the other day. It was Saturday and I was cleaning after the Oh's left. It was messy...I mean I had to scrub off whole shoeprints off my wall! Who the F kicked my wall? anyway, somethings were taken from my office, brought downstairs and i only found them while i was cleaning and of course parts were missing etc. I had 11 ice cream cones in the box for dessert and the kids ONLY wanted to eat the cone. By the time the left,I had 3 left. So 8 cones were eaten...first of all, there are only 5 kids and not every kid ate a cone. Who the F was eating all the cones. Secondly, why do parents let their kid roam free in a house with something as crumbly as a cone? I found cone pieces under my sofa, under my stove, in huge chunks, and in little grind up pieces like someone stepped on them. I was annoyed.

So Jae wakes up and the first thing I say is "Omg your family is never coming over again. This place is a mess and my stuff is broken or missing". He said "Eh, well, it happens". and I said "not anymore its not". Let me stop here and just say i realize what i said was wrong. Of course they are going to come over, and of course they are welcome. But the thing Jae said next somehow made me see red. He said "Well, we'll see what happens when your family comes over for Christmas". Not sure why this set me off but I was like fuming. and silent. you really dont want to get me silent. I will always say what i have to say right then and there, but when im silent, you are dead meat.

So, I go about my day cleaning....but as im cleaning im throwing stuff. Like tossing the island stools into the cabinet. At one point, I physically lifted my dyson vacuum and chucked it onto the floor. Yes, only my wood floors. No scratches, thank goodness. Jae went into the garage to clean it up. As he was there, I would just chuck garbage and boxes into the garage wherever I wanted. It felt good to throw! and I didn't care that he was cleaning and I was dirtying at the same time.

This silent treatment lasted a day and a half. Why, I have no idea. I would also just cry sporadically. Wow, crazy. I have to say, my rant could not have been good for the baby, either emotionally or physically. so I definetely regret it. however, in the moment, I could not help it. I don't know what came over me. In any case, I have to try to keep calm, always.

I am still pretty tired often. Any little event and I will feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I hope this goes away after the first trimester. I am usually very energetic, but I feel beat and I feel like I look haggard. No desire to put on any sort of makeup or do my hair. The other day I went into the office wearing sweats.

Oh, I finally ordered some maternity stuff online. Not much, just a few stretchy pants. I can still fit into my pants obviously but the bloat is causing the waist to be kind of snug. I need something I can be comfortable in.

I worry everyday if my baby is ok or not. It's sort of stressful. everytime I go to the bathroom, I check for blood. scared to death and hoping i dont see any. I just read this horrible story where a pregnant lady had no problems with pregnancy and in her 8 month, they didn't find a heartbeat. The doctors were all stumped bc she had such an easy and problem-free pregnancy. So scary.... I pray and hope I can carry to full term and have a healthy, happy baby.

So I think this entry was long enough for today. I think I'll go for a walk and get some exercise. Ciao!