still feeling tired most days. but im thankful i have not been sick yet. certain smells do make me nausous but this doesnt happen a lot. at my last dr.s appt, the dr said i already gained too much weight. so i have been trying to somewhat maintain. it doesnt help that i feel soooo hungry sometimes. i also have a sweet tooth now, craving sweet stuff. sounds like a girl to me =)the holidays didnt help. we went to town for thanksgiving....i feel like im showing now, but its really just holiday weight. boo.

on a different topic, jae's store ranked 10 last week in sales!!! out of 72 stores in all of NYC. we are usually in the mid-20's on a decent week... but we ranked 10. wow....go hubby. bring home that bacon! hehe.

so tomorrow is thanksgiving. it hit me driving today that my mom isn't here for this. i hate driving now. everytime i am driving, i am alone with my thoughts. i am about 75% of the time crying for 5 minutes.

I seem to cry more now than i did before the funeral. Before the funeral, I felt like a rock. I felt strong. i didn't cry much. But after the funeral, maybe it seems more real now. Or maybe its the baby hormones. I dont know. All i know is, i get sad more easily now...i cry instantly. but it only lasts a few minutes. i think about her a lot. i am always talking to her too. i hope she hears me.

its still unbelievable to me that shes not here. i still picture her face and she is so damned alive. she loved thanksgiving. not for the holiday but for the family gathering. it is something special...i was determined to have thanksgiving this year and tomorrow, we will celebrate. for her.

the other day as i told my sister in law my due date, she said "ooh lucky number 7!". i hadnt even really thought about that. and one second i am happy, saying what a cool due date and the next second i am sad, because, man my mom would have enjoyed that too. i was sad because i couldn't tell her my due date.

so i start to think about this "lucky" part. yeah, my baby is pretty lucky. and a fighter. after finding out i am pregnant, i continued to watch my mom... not sleeping in my own bed for weeks, waking up every 2 hours in the middle of the night, running low on energy and sleep. i had to physically lift my mom sometimes to help her out. i had to give her physical therapy. i was scared and frightened when i called 911. i watched her pass away. i nurtured my devastated grandparents and family through this. i watched them cry, and crumble but i held strong, refusing to let them see me break. if i was sad, then they would be sad. no, that is not what my mom would have wanted.

i made arrangements for her funeral, i buried her. then continued to watch and visit my grandparents, while things at work change. new office, new location, new bosses, new fights and arguments.

All the while, my little baby survived. My baby held strong and firm. I saw that heart beating fighting with every pulse. I was worried for my baby a lot of the times. I tried not to stress, tried to take it easy, but i knew with everything going on, there was a chance it would be too much for something just the size of a blueberry to take. Maybe thats why i was so relieved when i finally saw the heart beating on the sonogram. My baby made it. My baby's a fighter, just like my mom was. If he/she can make it through this, then he/she will make it through anything.

Not even into my second trimester and I am already a proud mommy.

yesterday we did korean bbq thingy at grandmas house. sam gyp sal and kalbi and such. normally when we do this, at jaes sisters house or outside in a restaurant, i am all about the spicy scallion stuff. i eat it with the meat, put it in my lettuce etc. but yesterday, i smelled the scallions and got so turned off. i did not have one scallion. how odd how you can just be turned off on a food you used to like to much in one whiff!

i am still not nauseas...but still a bit fatigued. and i am still clumsy as all heck. yesterday dropped some ice chips on the floor trying to put the ice tray back into the freezer.

just scheduled my ultrascreen for dec 28th. yeah!

7 weeks 5 days

due 7/7/10!

first sonogram today. i cant say it was one of those TV moments where you are exhilarated and tears are coming out of your eyes. but i can say it was pretty cool.

i had both external and internal sonogram. we saw a little flashing dot on the screen - the heartbeat. i was so relieved. i dont know why but i was so nervous going on, thinking nothing may show up on the sonogram. but there it was, pumping so fast. heartbeat = relief!

jae was a happy camper. seeing it made it seem so much more...real.

couldn't help but to think how my mom is missing all of this. there is something so inherently wrong about me becoming a mother and not having my own mother to turn to.

in any case, we are excited. i am officialy 7 weeks and 5 days along. go baby go!

baby names...

i swore i wouldn't even talk about baby names until the end of my pregnancy. and even still, i would choose the name after the baby was born. but last night, jae was on the website looking up whats going on with the baby at 7 weeks. it is now the size of a blueberry. hmm then why is my tummy so big? oh yeah, im just fat.

so i guess he wanders around the site and starts looking at name links. he starts going through all the years, like even back to 1995 to see what the popular names were. this sparked this whole conversation where he started reading out like 400 names.

VERY surprisingly, i think we agreed on a lot of things. of course we could only find like 2 names out of both boy and girl section we would even consider. not because we didn't like any, but because we would already know somebody with that name.

coming from a large family, a lot of the good names are already taken. if i go through the list of what's taken (this is just my generation and below..theres more on higher levels! I added Jae's family as well, even though there are only 7 names to add hehe):

BOYS:
Brandon, Evan, Andrew, Philip, Michael, Eric, Kenneth, Adam, Aidan, Benjamin, Christopher, Kevin, Matthew, Timothy, Jeremy, Tyler, Aaron, Jonathan, Ethan, Steve, Eddie, Jerry, Jason, Craig, Daniel, Peter, Ryan, Philip, Jake, Nathan

GIRLS:
Emily, Lauren, Mackenzie, Morgan, Teresa, Eileen, Alice, Cindy, Lisa, Diana, Vanessa, Cordelia, Erica, Jennifer, Chloe, Rachel, Meeya, Leila, Sammie, Kristen, Julia, Janice

Add on Friend's baby's names that can't be used:
Lucas, Evan, Penelope, Cadence, James, Avery

I know there are tons of names left.... but still hard after so many have been used. Also, you have to eliminate names of friends too right? Like Dave, Judy, Julie, Amy, Anna etc... this doesn't include any of my aunts and uncles, like David, Thomas, Maureen, Sue, Raymond, May, Gary, Lily, etc etc.

see how this could be difficult for us? thats why i didn't want to think about it!

thinking a lot about my mom today. not sure why...i think it gets a bit harder for me as the days go on. i thought it would get easier.

my mom knew she was going to die.

i remember the time we were in the hospital the second time around. i was maybe fixing her blanket or something and out of nowhere, she just said to me "i think im going to die". i didnt know what to think, so i made a slight joke out of it. i said "wow, thats blunt." she said "well, not right NOW. im not hopeLESS, but i know im running out of time." I didn't have the heart to agree with her. I knew what she was saying was true, but I think i just said something along the lines of "well, we'll see what happens. we'll keep working at getting better and take things one day at a time". I remember texting judy and jae that day to tell them what she said to me, with tears in my eyes. i still think about it and tears still come to my eyes. only she knew her body...she knew what was going on in there and i can't imagine just knowing your life is ending.

the day she passed, i knew something was terribly wrong that morning. things just weren't going right. she was sleeping so much. by 12 noon, i woke her up and forced her to eat. i remember crying in front of her, because she really didn't want to, but i forced her. i told her "you cant make me just stand here and watch you not eat. i need you to have something in your stomach". she looked at me and nodded and ate like a champ. for me. her daughter. even though she didn't want to. i was cryig because i felt so bad. i had gone through so many conflicting thoughts in my head. on one hand, i wanted her to fight, i wanted to continue the physical therapy and i wanted her to eat. i spent so much effort trying to find different foods and textures she could swallow. on the other hand, i knew she wasnt getting better. i knew her life was struggling and i thought maybe i should just let her be. she didnt want to eat, so why force her. she didnt want to get up and move and do her exercises, so why should i make her do something she didnt want to do. it was a battle in my head everyday.

after she ate, she slept more. and more. and more. her eyes looked funny. i got scared and i even went up to her and said "mom, do you hear me? do you know who i am?". she gave me on of those "what are you crazy?" smiles and nodded her head. i thought, ok, maybe shes just REALLLY tired cuz obviously she can hear me, respond and thinks im crazy for asking that question. but then she kept sleeping. i remember around 4PM, i said something is wrong and i called her doctor. they told me it sounded like she was dehydrated...which made sense bc she was not eating or drinking..and that i should call 911. i had to tell my grandma. i didnt want to worry her, but i was scared too. i knew this was bad and i knew it wasn't just dehydration.

my grandma said yes, call 911. i held the cell phone in my hand for a good 2 minutes, just looking at the 911 number i dialed without pressing the send button. seriously, in my mind, i said to myself...should i just let her pass in home, in her bed where shes comfortable. then a part of me said "what if the doctor can do something for her?" so i took a big breath and called 911. she was responding to me. and when i asked her to squeeze my hand, she would. so i thought, maybe she could be saved. conflicts in my head. thats all i dealt with.

at the ER, she seemed like she was getting better. i thought maybe it was dehydration then, since she was getting fluids at the time. she opened her eyes and i asked her if she knew where she was. she nodded her head.

But we got put into an ER room and so quickly it went downhill. i asked her about what she wanted done to save her life...she was no longer responding to me or squeezing my hand. thats when i knew it was coming. i saw her take some huge breaths....and then...flat line. i remember saying over and over again "oh no, oh no oh no.." and then 2 seconds later just saying "its ok, its ok, its ok". telling her, its ok that shes gone.

telling my grandma....that was hard. i had to get her and jae from the waiting room. she couldnt believe it. she was just dumbstruck... she asked me if this was a joke. she begged me to tell her it wasn't true. the doctors and nurses were all crying. she broke down. the pain was unbearable. and then, next second you know, jae is down, passed out on the ground. everyone rushed over to him...my grandma was so scared. but the doctor said he just passed out because of the stress. he was so upset...and continued to be upset for a week about my mom. i had never seen him so torn up....

well, then it was time to head back home after grieving. my brother was away on a trip with his class. so i had to call him. he was so upset and so upset he was away at the time it happened. "i never got a chance to say goodbye" he told me. he asked to be picked up to come home and jae and my dad went to get him.

back at grandmas, as soon as we get into the house, my grandmother shouts to my grandpa "shes dead...shes dead!" just screaming. my grandpa wails and breaks down. they are holding each other so tight and just sobbing and crying. but i had to stay strong. surprisingly, i did not shed many tears throughout the whole thing. i had to stay strong for everyone. i had to convince them she was in a better place and that she was unhappy the way she was, even though i knew all she wanted was a second chance at life. she really wanted to fight and be healthy for us all. i held back my tears for my grandparents and let them just grieve. it was a long night....

i know this is all so personal but i write this to let it out. i have a baby inside me now and i need to relieve my stress, get things out and then move on. i write this today because its been a hard day. i've been thinking about her, and maybe i just needed a good cry. that cry that i havent quite been able to have yet.

i am not afraid to admit that i get jealous of those with mothers. i can look at someone and say "you're 55 years old and still have a mother" or "you're 40 and still have a mother." im jealous. i wish i could still have mine. im too young and shes too young for this to all happen. i have to rid myself of this horrible jealousy.

so there it is. my release.

so ive been super clumsy lately. not sure if its the baby, or just my mind in mush lately...

sunday i am making some homemade sauce and i go to puree it and of course, dont close the cover tightly and splat goes sauce everywhere! EVERYWHERE. jae and i spent a good amount of time cleaning that up. first getting the sauce up, then cleaning up the areas so its not sticky.

then tonight, i drop a bottle of clam juice....glass everywhere. EVERYWHERE. little bits and pieces here and there. i have to wipe up, steam mop and them vacuum.

ay yai yai.

also, my belly feels like ive done situps the night before. sort of feels tight and tense and sore when i stretch a bit. i read that my body is just adjusting to the uterus and stuff enlarging. cramping is sort of going away. i still have a lot of gas...but not a big problem.

tonight had juicy dumplings with hiu, abi and stephanie and jae. it was yum.

todays my first day back into the office in over a month. overall i think it feels good. good to be doing something again, good to have fresh air again.

slowly we are going back to normal lives. friday we went out with some family in the city. we went to telephone bar and then had 16 handles for dessert. yum. saturday went back to the cemetery to pay some last respects. i looked down at the mound of dirt and thought "is she really under all that?" it was a sickening feeling. and then we went home early and cleaned up a bit. sunday was Jake's 3rd birthday so we went to my sister in laws house for lunch. it was also my dads bday so back to grandmas for dinner. today im back at work. i guess slowly, things are coming together again.

i miss my mom everyday... i will have to go through this pregnancy without her but at least i have tons of family to support and help me. i still look up into the sky and look for some sort of sign from her. i know shes here somewhere, everyday right alongside me. hi mom!!! the only thing i worry about is my grandparents. someone was always with them.... now a lot of us will just have to keep checking in on them. i'll be spending a lot more time in queens for sure. just hope they take care of themselves and that we find a good routine to fall into.

jae has become the pregnancy police. he wont let me eat anything...and is always constantly watching over me. reminds me of how he used to be when we first started dating haha. very protective and loving and 100% dedicated. yeah, that tapers off after 9 years HAHA. but hes back! thank you baby oh. heheh.

right now i am finding nutrition to be the hardest part of it all. i would usually order a salad out, or sushi. but i dont trust anything raw outside. i am having trouble knowing which kinds of fish to eat. and i am drinking a lot more juices now, like OJ and apple and i never did before. these are all extra calories i normally wouldn't have had. the other day i brought over 3 subway sandwiches to my grandmas for lunch for everyone. then realized, i cant eat it as is. so i had to heat up the cold cuts and toast the bread and all and it was a pain hehe. oh wells, we'll see. im sure as it goes on, i will get easier.

first sonogram thursday. yay! excited and yet nervous. wish us luck!

so yesterday I buried my mom.

I still cannot believe the outpouring of support that was there both Wednesday and Thursday. The place was PACKED. It was a mob scene. I hugged so many people. It was so nice, everyone had a little story to tell about my mom. "Janet gave me my first job." or "Janet helped our school like no one else could". I couldn't believe all the amazing stories I heard. It was amazing and wonderful to hear. She would have been happy.

It didn't turn out to be such a sad event. People from her childhood, to school days, to teaching days, to coworkers, were all there reuniting and gathering about. It was actually a huge social event! I'm so happy with how things turned out... and she would have been happy too. My brother and I had a little section entitled "Mom's Favorite Things" there. We included Craisins, Pistachio muffins, trail mix, gum, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels - all the things she loved. People love to read me and my brother's letter to my mom as well. It was just a nice, touching, event that paid tribute to my wonderful mother.

Wednesday was a long day. My friends Julie, Jully, Jenny, Amy, Dave, Hiu, Pauline and Ron showed up. We hosted dinner afterwards. Jae's sister stayed. It was nice, but I was tired.

I expected Thursday to be an easier day. Usually, not many people show up since they go the day before and most people don't usually go to the burial anyway. But there was MAD people there! Wow! I wish I had brought food or snacks or something. At 1PM, it was time to head to the cemetery. My mom was brought out on the coffin. I couldn't look cuz I am pregnant (dont know why, my grandma told me not to look).... it was cold and rainy and windy. when we got the cemetery, i counted and we had 23 cars following. wow, that is unheard of. we also had 2 flower cars because she received so many flowers.

anyway, we got out of the cars and there were so many people there! all holding their umbrellas. i was so touched. anyway, they lowered her down (again, i wasn't able to look) and put the casket cover over and then we all had to drop down a rose and throw some dirt down. After that, it was done. All the planning, all the funeral arrangements were done. We hosted another lunch and then the day was over.

So now im left thinking, now what? What do i do with myself now? Just go on life as if nothing happened? How do I manage my grandparents? Will I really have to return to work after taking off an entire month?

So many open ended questions....I guess we'll see how the next months go. I need to get back into a routine again.

i'd like to share my letter to my mom with you all. it meant a lot to me to be able to share my feelings and to let everyone know what an amazing mother she was.

Dear Mom:

You always told me you loved to read my writing. You always told me I should have become a writer. I must admit, whenever things are going on, I do like to write my thoughts and feelings down. So here I am, writing my first letter to you.

Last week, we had to make your funeral arrangements. Funeral, bury, cemetary. These are not words I think about when I think of a 59 year old vibrant woman. I was at your cemetary plot, and as I was looking around at the headstones that would surround you, I saw birthdate years of 1915, 1923, even 1930's. But no one who was close to your age. You were so young and most importantly, young at heart. When you walked into a room, people knew you were there. You were happy, smiley, energetic. When I'd see you, you'd greet me with "Hey, girl!". You called me Jessie, sometimes Jess, but never Jessica, the name you used to dislike so much. You loved watching Criminal Minds, Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Remember the time I signed us up for the mother-daughter show? Man, if they picked us, we would have won for sure! You loved to dance...you swore you were so cool. You loved the electric slide. You made me play it at my wedding, even though I adamantly disagreed. But you were right, people loved it! You were always right. You loved lemon icies, and foot massages. You loved all the dancing shows on TV. You only typed with Papyrus font, and signed all your cards "Love Always". You were generous, gracious, classy. You had a heart of gold, always thought about others before yourself. You were caring, loving, and truly inspirational. You were strong...boy, you were strong. You could handle anything. You let things roll off your shoulder like I've never seen before. You were smart and you made me laugh. Sometimes we would fight but that would never last more than an hour or so. My heart would ache when we fought because I could never be so far in mind from you for long. You'd get upset when we would go more than 2 days without an email or phone call together. You worried about me when no one did. You were the core of the family and you never had any drama around you. You were really something special and we will always remember.

One of my most vivid childhood memories of you is the day I was being bratty. To punish me, you told me "Time Out!". I ran to the sofa crying. I was sobbing and I looked up and there you were, minding your business, vacuuming the floor as if nothing happened. I remember this because, now, as an adult, I admire the authority you were able to unleash so effortlessly. You never hit me, not even one spank or swat. I can't remember you ever raising your voice at me. All I needed was "the look" to put me in my place. You didn't need to be mean, or harsh. We knew who the boss was. What an amazing mother you were. I remember you helping me learn how to add and subtract, using these brown building blocks. I remember all the time we spent as kids, over at our families homes on the weekends. I remember all the places you took me, all the times we played tennis together. Growing up, you made some killer tapioca dessert and linguini with white clam sauce (extra garlic). You made the secret Vincent's spaghetti sauce recipe we love so much, but never shared your recipe (I found it hidden in your books as I went through your stuff - score!). Sometimes I look up into the sky and hope to see some sort of sign. A flicker, a sudden burst of sun, something that lets me know you're there. But deep down I know no sign is needed. You will always be there, so deep within my heart. And I have so many things that let me know you're here with me. So many things to remember, so many good times. There's not enough space on this paper to write it all down, but I will remember.

Though today is your funeral, today is not the end. Your memory will live on in so many ways. Pictures, memories, fleeting thoughts. Some keepsakes I kept of yours - the clothes you last wore, inspirational books you loved, the last notes you wrote to me, including an "i love you" you wrote to me on your final day which I will frame, a gift I gave you before my wedding - a Lenox statue of a mother and daughter entitled "A Mother's Loving Touch". My children will know who you are. And though this is my first letter to you, it will not be the last. And each year when I write you your letter, I will laugh as I imagine you with your red pen marking every grammatical error and spelling mistake I make. That was you, always an educator, inside the classroom and in life. We will always remember.

I know in time, life will go on. But a small part of me will always be with you on your last day. A part of me will remember the touch of your hand as you squeezed mine, the sounds and the smell of the room. I will remember me putting my head in your lap as you rubbed my neck. I'm 31 years old and still, there is nothing like the comfort of your own mother. I look back and see myself so small and tiny against something so big that was happening. That piece of me will always be frozen in time, so that you can always be alive in my mind, when we were together, just you and me. That piece of me will always be there at the moment when I told you my last words and the promise I made to you. Don't forget that promise. Life will go on, the days and seasons will pass, but that one piece of my heart will always be stuck in the past. I will always remember.

I have to believe this happened for a reason. Somehow there was always a lesson behind everything you do. So I will assume this lesson to all of us is, to hold your kids a little tighter. To tell all the people around you you love them. To not want more, but to be happy with what you have. To seize the day, and smile and be thankful every morning we wake up and open our eyes. Your 2 famous lines to me were always "Family is everything" and "Life is short". Those two statements have never been more real than right at this moment. We will all remember.

I could go on about how young you were. About how sudden this was. I could mention how this seems so surreal. How I think you are just in the next room watching Judge Judy. How I don't know when reality will set in...or if it will ever set in. About how much of a shame it is for the world to have lost such a great and wonderful human being. But at the same time, I look at the outpouring of support you have. I hear and see the emotional reactions of people when they hear the news. I read the stories everyone has about you. I see what an impact you made on people by simply being who you are. And I think, "Mom, you had more than any 80, 90 or even 100 year old person could ever have. You have so very much." And I am at peace. And I hope you are too.

I'm trying to find words to end this. I miss you. I love you. All so insignificant. No words seem good enough and you just seem to deserve so much more. I just wanted to say how glad I was to be able to be there for you when you needed it the most. I will always value and cherish the times we got to spend together - I got to spend some good quality time with you and I am so grateful for that. You fought hard that last day. I watched you fight and I just wanted to say I am so proud of you. Proud of you on that day and proud of you for everything you have been able to accomplish in your life. I am truly honored to be your daughter and feel so lucky and blessed to have you (always) as my mom. You loved Kevin and I so much. You gave up everything for us. We will always remember.

I love you so very much, Mom. God, I miss you. And wherever you are, I hope you are doing the electric slide, while Watching Wheel of Fortune, cracking your gum with that awful noise I couldn't stand. I hope after you're done, you will practice your salsa moves and reward yourself with a lemon ice. Sit back and relax...it was a beautiful life, for a beautiful person.

Love always,
Jessie

boobs are sore. and i am Soooooo tired. i dont know if its just dealing with my moms passing or what but i am exhausted. i get a full 7-8 hours of sleep every night and yet a few hours after i wake up, i need a nap. i was never like this. i dont know if its the baby or just the stuff going on though.

still a bit crampy....sometimes it does alarm me. doctor said to try to take it easy but how can i with so much going on.

moms funeral is in 2 days. so dreading it! but i know its going to be a packed house. she had so many friends, family and loved ones. the funeral home said that they know its going to be a lot of people because they keep getting calls. one person told me they called the funeral parlor and before they could say anything the funeral parlor was like "i know i know. wednesday, Janet Won, right?". they were so busy thanks to my mom. this makes me so happy. so happy for her. the outpouring of stories and fond memories of my mom overwhelms me. she was a good person, not a bad thing about her. people LOVED her. she had an energy and made an impression. its going to be a hard 2 days. first the funeral, then the burial the next day. and im sort of scared to go on with my life. its almost like i spend all my days doing stuff for her now. it seems wrong to just move on.

we ended up not using the dress she wore to my wedding. her arms weren't covered up and i guess thats a no-no. yesterday my grandma and i spent a few hours at macys trying to find something nice. do you know what its like shopping for a deceased person. do you know what its like when that person is your mother. it was a horrible job. then we go and drop off the clothes today and they tell me, since she lost so much weight, she is too skinny and now needs a scarf to cover her up more. sigh. i just hope they make her look as good as they can. she was a beautiful person with a beautiful smile. i dont want that ruined.

we are going to do some of "Mom's favorite things" at the funeral. we wiil lay out some of her favorite snacks for people. trail mix, craisins, life savers, almond cookies, sourdough pretzels etc. i think its going to be a nice touch. i also specified i did NOT want that creepy scary funeral music. instead we will bring in our own CD of some soft music. i also made a collage of her pictures. we picked a beautiful picture of her to enlarge. sigh. i still cant believe shes gone. i still feel her around me, and even within me. i hope i never stop feeling this way.

the day before we started cleaning out her room. her jewelry, files, trinkets.

today we started cleaning out the stuff in the basement. her stuff. TONS of stuff. who knew she was such a hoarder. she had our 2nd grade report cards! she kept everything. i got to take a lot of her stuff home. stuff that reminds me of her and my childhood. it was a BIG job though....i was pooped.

i also cleaned my whole house today. after a month of not cleaning, it was a big job. but i wanted the house spic and span for my mom.

tomorrow i will get a haircut and continue cleaning out her stuff. i love going throgh her things becasue it keeps me close to her. i wonder what i will do when this is all over. how will my grandparents be...i will obviously have to be over there a lot more and take over all the responsibilites my mom had. i guess i just have to take it day by day for now.

everything else besides my mom seems so insignificant at this point. poor baby has taken a back seat. i didnt even know the yankees won the world series till days later. i dont even know what day it is most of the time. i sometimes do go on facebook to get a break but i look at all the status comments and think "SO WHAT?" At this moment, i could care less what you're eating, or what youre doing. everything that is being updated seems so....unimportant. i cant go on facebook anymore. its just too annoying.

i miss you mom.

5 weeks
Your baby has grown to the size of a sesame seed, looking more like a tiny tadpole than a human.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

I can't believe all this is growing inside of me!

5 weeks

I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Feeling ok, no nausea, no nothing except some cramping.

oh, and a pain in my heart.

my mom passed away 3 days ago. it still doesn't seem real. yesterday and the day before, i was at a funeral home and cemetary picking out her gravesite. morbid, and scary, and final. today i picked out her outfit. i found it fitting for us to find her the dress she wore to my wedding. she looked awesome in that dress. i also found a picture for us to enlarge. also, another photo from my wedding. it was just such a happy day for me and my family.

my brother and I wrote letters to her which we will print and hand out at the wake. i can't believe its really real. i dont think it's sunk in yet. i am doing everything matter of factly, and keeping busy. i wonder when my breaking point will be - that moment that i realize i will never see her again.

she was the best mom. anyone who knew her, already felt the impact she could have on people. she was outspoken and full of life. she died and she wasnt even 60. i loved her more than anything and there is a part of me that will forever be empty.

i bear a grandchild she will never know. omg. but this child WILL know who she is.

mom, wherever you are, i love you so very much. i miss you every second of the day. i only hope that you are happy and at peace.

test was still positive. yay!

still crampy but read online that is normal. will make a doctors appt soon. Would have made it sooner but have been so busy.

almost told jae's family last night as we were all together under the same roof and FIL was complaining how he doesnt have any "Oh" grandchildren. but then...something came up and the subject changed and we never got around to it. better to let them know after an official blood test anyway, right?

ate a lot last night, samgypsal and kobe beef with lots of kim chi and scallion. but soon into the dinner, i felt sort of queasy. i think i was just tired though trick or treating with the kids. this morning, i paid for it. oh, the stomach pains!!! maybe i cant eat spicy anymore? or not to much? what a shame!