Maddie is self feeding. This is great! i dont need to sit next to her and put food into her mouth. I can leave her be and she can eat all on her own. Her favorite is pancakes. I guess they are squishy enough for her to pick her and put in her mouth.

Rolling over both ways has already improved so much. she will roll left, right, left, right, so she ends up in the same spot lol.

definitely babbling more and has started making the "m" sounds. so she can say mamama. when she wakes from a nap, she plays by herself and says "mamamma". so i pretend like shes calling me. haha.

has taken to table food really well. her current fave is pastina with homemade tomato sauce and meatballs. tonight we went out to dinner for my aunts birthday and i was able to give maddie some rice, tofu and chicken from my own plate.

can hold onto something and stand on her own for a little bit.

FOOD:

so had a craving for pork eggrolls....so i bought a package of shredded cabbage.

i only needed half the bag for the eggrolls, so i thought about how i could use the other half and i thought about cole slaw, one of jaes favorites. so simple.

add mayo, mustard, apple cider vinegar...basically anything you want. you can add garlic powder, etc. i also added some scallions:


for the eggrolls, take one pound of ground pork and add again, whatever you want. i shredded a small carrot, scallions, mushrooms and shrimp


stir fry together with some soy sauce and oyster sauce




dump 2 spoonfuls of the mix into egg roll wrapper and wrap up


i used my mini deep fryer which cuts down on the mess. you can also bake these.




also made my baby some spaghetti squash...


All easy, quick stuff. I did all this while the baby sat and played by herself in the pack n play.

So I had the coleslaw and was trying to think of what we could eat with it. I decided on some shrimp cakes, since i was just using shrimp for the eggrolls as well.

i chopped up more shrimp, scallion and red pepper. mix with mayo, uustard, breadcrumbs, 2 eggs. Shape into patty and cover with panko breadcrumbs.




Fry on a pan. Serve with the coleslaw. (i have done these cakes with guacamole too)

a kiss builds trust. This is what i have learned. Every day when I put Maddie down for a nap, I kiss her before I lay her down. she always smiles. I place her in her crib and smile down at her, she looks up and smiles at me. I walk out of her room and she turns over and goes to sleep.

At night, when I nurse her, she sometimes pops off and looks up at me. I can see these 2 eyes and even thought its dark, they are looking for something. A sign, a word, something to tell her what to do next. I kiss her gently on the face and she gives me a satisfied look. Again, i rock her gently in the dark, holding her close and smelling her. When she gets drowsy, I turn her sideways, give her a kiss and lay her in her crib for nighttime.

She trusts that I will be back for her when she is done with her sleep. She trusts in herself that she can go to sleep without my help. The kiss tells her I trust her to do the same. Such a simple thing, a kiss. And certainly one of the more cherished moments I get to have with her everyday. this kid really completes me.

***

After I gave birth in the hospital, I got these horrible hives up my ass, back and legs. The dr looked at it and said i must be allergic to something but we wouldnt know what.

Fast forward to today and I still have these itchy patches on the back of my thighs. ITs only on my thighs and its on both legs. I have NO Idea what causes this. But I have scratched them so bad that i think i have scarred them. =( I'm thinking something in my diet is causing these hives but i eat so many damned things i dont even know how to go about cross things off. Since she basically eats what i eat through breast milk, I also wonder if the same thing is causing Maddie's eczema rash....I should go see a dermatologist...

***
Since starting Maddies on meats, which give the purees a thicker texture, she seems to be gradually moving towards chunkier foods. I tried to give her some pureed cantaloupe today, which was really soupy (my fault), and she wasnt having it. I would LOVE to move her to more table food....so im going to be experimenting more. Once she turned 6 months, I started giving her pancakes, waffles, bread/bagels, puffs and mum mums. But I havent given her pieces of anything else. In the beef stew i made, there were small chunks of orzo and i have given her some mashed potato but thats the closest she got to table food.

Today I made a pot of sauce. I made some mini meatballs to try out and boiled up some rotini. Maddie LOVED this. i put a piece of pasta (very small) with sauce in her mouth and she actually smiled. LOL.

On this same topic, Maddie can pick up pieces of food but she does not bring this to her mouth. This astounds me bc she puts everything into her mouth. Remotes, cell phones, toys, whisks, etc. But when it comes to food, she looks it over, plays with it, throws it but rarely put it up to her mouth. Should I be concerned? Shes ahead of schedule in getting the pincer grip (using thumb and index finger) but i feel like shes behind in putting the food to her mouth. I think most kids SHOVE the food into their mouths. I wonder if I am hindering her by constantly feeding her myself.

***
so now that i have my period, my milk supply is SO low (normal). I feel bad for poor Maddie.

***

Maddie is starting to roll both ways now! She was like zoolander, only rolling on her right side. TOday she tried to go left. She still has a lot of work to do though lol.
I feel like shes kind of slow in the rolling department too, but no worries. Every kid goes at their own pace.

***
Food:

Heres how you can stretch an easy meal...

I made a pot of sauce yesterday and some mini meatballs. i baked the meatballs first, then put them in the sauce to cook more.


I set aside some rotini, 3 meatballs and sauce for maddies lunch for the next 3 days.


I set aside some more meatballs and sauce to make pizza for lunch the next day. (more later)

I take the bulk of the sauce and make penne alla vodka. well, i didnt have penne, so i used Mostaccioli. I was annoyed i didnt have any pasta with ridges but oh wells.

Sautee some onions, garlic and pancetta.


Add your sauce and let it sit for a bit. Then add in your cream. you can whip up the cream a bit too, which i do and then fold in.


Toss in your cooked pasta and mix. I served with crostinis i bought at the market:


I had leftovers which jae brought in for lunch and more for my own lunch as well.

Pizza for the next day:
We bought this pizza crust for a buck last week, so i decided to use it since i had sauce. All you need to do is add water. I was very skeptical. I usually make my own pizza dough...but now, who has the time? I cant believe i once had time to make my own pasta. No life!


Then press out and add toppings. you can see here the dough doesnt make that big of a pizza.

I used peppers, mushrooms, crushed up meatballs, onion and cheese:


I was surprised that the crust was actually good!


That one pot of sauce went a long way and seriously it cost me a few bucks to make.

its that time again. Maddie's drawer under her crib is filled with clothes she no longer fits. sigh. I spent last night putting away this stuff and sorting out another pile for my cousin who is expecting a girl in June. I'd give her more but im not sure if i will have another girl in the future, so i did save a lot of my stuff.



HOLY CRAP! I'm so pissed. i got my period! after 16 months of not having one....this blows! I guess I shouldnt complain....I am almost 8 months post partum without one, so that was a pretty good run. But seriously...i forgot how gross it felt to have one. *sigh*

last night we had a rough night. maddie suddenly woke up at 10:15pm crying. nothing would console her and she wouldnt go back to bed...till 12:15am! ZOMG. I had no idea what was wrong. We rocked her, we changed her, we searched her body for anything that could be bothering her. She just cried hysterically. I took her out of her room, into our room so she could calm down. Then I went to nurse her. Finally, I just couldnt rock her anymore and she was WIDE awake...so i just laid her down in her crib. she whined for like 2 seconds before going to sleep. She was probably so tired from all the crying. So girlfriend lost 2 hours of sleep right there but still woke up at her normal time of 6:15am. sheesh!

again, im not a fan of the baby stage. i cant wait for the day when she can tell me whats wrong herself. its a very helpless feeling when you just dont know...and you cant help.

in other news, im thinking of weaning maddie to the bottle. shes been nursing for a really short amount of time lately...bc she likes to pop off and look around. the bottle would also be easier on me since anyone can feed her. The cons of this are - pumping! I pumped twice yesterday and i hated both of them. I HATE THE PUMP. and im not a great pumper. i dont get a lot of milk when i pump so its super frustrating. But I'll continue and give it a try and see what happens.



in food news:

the other night i made a really simple dinner.

Cripsy potatoes - could not be easier...

2 grated potatoes...heat a pan up with a little oil and butter and pat the potatoes down into the pan. let it sit for 10 minutes undisturbed.


the hardest part of this recipe is the flip. Flip the potatoes onto a plate and then slide the cake back into the pan to cook the other side. MMMMM....crunchies! And thats it, there you have it. We slice like its a pizza. ITS GOOOOD. Oh, salt and pepper both sides, of course.


alongside the potatoes, i just grilled a steak real quick. Marinated in soy, sesame oil, garlic, honey. cook 4 mins on each side. easy peasy.

man, so much i need to write about and not enough time. anytime i want to sit down and write something, i either forget what it is that i wanted to write, or just dont feel in the mood anymore. this may just be the most random post yet, and quite possibly the longest, but here we go.

Yesterday on the Dr. Oz show, the topic was What causes autism. I found this epsisode to be incredibly intriguing. When you're pregnant, all you want is a "healthy" baby. What does that mean though? Do you know how many things happen AFTER the baby is born. Thus, a parents worry, anxiety and fears NEVER end. I found it scary how these poor parents had a perfectly healthy child one day, and the next day the child lost their words. No one yet knows the causes of autism, but there are 3 theories discussed on the show. The top one is one im sure every parent has gone over in their heads a million times - vaccinations. I personlly, do not feel that vaccines cause autism, but the parents in the audience with autistic children felt so strongly otherwise. No one can say for sure, but i do know whats for sure - i do want to protect my child against the infectious diseases that are very real and one thing i do know is that vaccines help prevent that. Second theory was environmental factors, such as pollution. Third theory was the age of the parents. Its true, the older you are, the chances of your child having autism increase!

As i was watching, I just took a glance over at Maddie and wondered what was in store for us in the future. My mind was brought to a blog that i follow. Sophia was born perfectly healthy. A precious little girl for a new young family. 2 weeks into her life, they started noticing lack of movement. She was soon diagnosed with SMA, a degenerative disease. Basically, her muscles deteriorate over time...she will never crawl or walk. she cant even lift her own arm. Usually, babies with SMA do not live past 2 years of age...but Sophia is about to celebrate her 2nd birthday. It's just so scary how things can happen at anytime. Even when you give birth to a perfectly "healthy" baby, you never know what can happen. I look at Maddie and thank God everyday for what I have in that moment in time.

****
At the end of March, I have to travel for work. I am DREADING this. I cannot be away from my baby. Thank goodness its only for one day, but still, I wont see her.. FOR ONE WHOLE DAY. I already have anxiety about this.

Will she know im gone? i actually hope she doesnt.
Will J know what to do?

And since having a baby, morbid thoughts enter my head all the time. I always think, what will happen if im gone. I was always scared of planes, but now, im SO frightened to travel. What if something happens? Who will take care of my baby girl. I buckle up when im in the backseat of a car. I do take extra precautions bc im so scared, not of leaving this world, but of leaving Maddie in this world without me. I told myself if I die, I hope that Maddie is at least 25 years old....its sick isnt it? But these are my thoughts and fears...

***
OMG I cant believe I forgot to write about this. 2 days ago, we had our LAST cardiologist appointment. Thats right, my last, because the hole in the heart Maddie was born with has closed. woo hoo! I really wasnt expecting to hear that, although I knew the hole had been very small the last time we were there 4 months ago. This was great news, not just bc of my babys health but bc she doesnt like that place very much lol. they have to take blood pressure and EKGs and the worst is the echocardiogram, which is basically like a sonogram and maddie cant sit sitll for things like that. Anyway, great news for my little girl.

I have to give it up to Schneiders Hospital as well (formerly known). I love being affiliated with this hospital. As anyone on the island knows, this is a great childrens hospital and I love having it close by. Their pediatric cardiology department was great!

***
Breastfeeding - everything was going fine until her teeth came in. They are really growing now and so, her teeth scrape against me as she eats. OMG. Its becoming painful when she latches now. At least she doesnt bite. My cousin told me her son bit her so hard she bled. Ouch. But I'm still feeling sore everytime she eats and I'm not sure if this is something that will go away or not. I have thought about going to the bottle but I REALLY hate pumping. I mean, HATE it. all aspects of it. Another option is to go to formula, but i dont see why i should when im home with her all day. oh wells.

***
Maddie's new thing is laughing. She was always a smiley baby that laughed but recently shes been laughing A LOT. Like, she'll see somethig on TV, laugh out loud. She will look at something in the room, laugh out loud. My back is turned to her and I hear her laughing to herself. Its hilarious. The funniest is out of nowhere, if you start laughing, she just automatically laughs too. Her laugh has changed too. It sounds like a "ha ha ha" now.

***
so remember how i had been mentioning how maddie had an allergic reaction to something she ate? well i monitored her food for a bit but the rash was still there. so, i started thinking what else it could be and for some reason eczema came into mind. so i started googling and i really think this is it. A lot of things started to make sense after i realized it was eczema. a cousin of mine had eczema growing up and i took a pic and sent it to her and she said it did look like it. so now that i have some inkling of what it is, we can treat it better. I purchased a cream similar to cetaphil, called CeraVe. I also went out and bought 100% cotton PJS for her. We bathe her in cooler water now. With these 3 things combined, the cream especially, I already see a difference in the rash. Here we are, 2 days apart:





***
I discovered a great new app on my phone. Its called grocery iq. omg i love this app. It makes a list of things to buy by store. you can check off what you'ev bought already and it sorts it by aisle! Another tab leads you to coupons and you can check off the coupons you want and email them to yourself. Then you just print. The list then reminds you to use your coupons. Me loves!

Angry Birds was also giving away a free download for their holiday version so ive been playing that. but playing on my phone sux compared to playing on the ipad.

oh im also addicted to restaurant story too hehe.

***
Lastly, my boss is a serious DOUCHEBAG!!! i cant believe how douchy he is. words could not even describe. I seriously am beginning to LOATHE him. his latest antic: my coworker sends out and email to overseas and tells them we are off on Monday for presidents day. His response?:


Dear All,
I will be working, so please don’t hold off on sending any emails with important issues.

Thanks,
Frank

What a DICK. and a LOSER. He has 3 kids and 1 grandkid (and is only 43). He has NO life. He thinks hes so cool. We call him mighty mouse cuz his attitude is always like "HEre I come to save the dayyyyyy!". my coworker asked me if she should tell him that an email like that makes me and her look bad and i told her not to bother. i honestly dont care if that looks bad or not. I have the day off and i am going to sit on my ass with my feet up while you sit at your computer. Theres nothting that is SO important it cant wait one day. but he wants to make sure everyone knows how much he does, and how hard he works and what a hero he is. And yet he complains all the time about how much he does etc. And why does he think that is? Bc he writes stupid shit like the above email. What a clown. He thinks he gains respect this way...but actually he loses it. I could care less about him. I could care less about this job.

***
the weather today is in the 60s! and i am planning to take maddie to the park once J gets home. when we moved here, one of my favorite things about the neighborhood was how close the park was. a great perk!

further to my below post, this is pretty much my view for a few hours of each day (minus J). me cooking, baking, or cleaning, while maddie sits in her PNP watching. i love the freedom i have to do my own thing while still watching her.

im making tuna salad here...


in other food news, heres another easy dinner meal. teriyaki chicken. i love the recipes that require one ziploc bag. throw soy sauce, brown sugar, garlic and ginger into a plastic bag and throw the chicken in to marinate. seriously, thats it. you can bake the chicken, but i threw it onto my grill pan. dinners ready in just a few minutes.

i keep forgetting to video maddie rolling....but i caught one the other day. i still crack up when i see it:


She is at a really fun age right now. As she grows more independent, I find I enjoy everything so much more. I've mentioned a few times how I'm not a fan of the baby stage....and I'm realizing more and more how true that is. I think im a better parent now than i was a few months ago. I know most people want them to stay babies and I always hear "when they start to become more mobile, you'll wish they werent". Maybe ill feel that way someday, but for now, I actually look forward to the day when Maddie will crawl and walk. When she wasnt sitting up yet, I told everyone I cant wait till shes sitting on her own. They would tell me "yeah when it happens you'll wish she wasnt"...but i havent found that to be true yet. I love that she can sit up on her own. It makes my life SO much easier. I think I enjoy her more when I can see shes actually a little person. I can, however, see myself regretting saying this when shes 16!

i LOVE the weekends! it feels SOOO freeing. I love not having to tote my ipad around the house. I love not having to be attached to the laptop. I love being able to just lie there and do nothing with Maddie. I WANT THIS ALL THE TIME!!!

Even though J has been busy at the store and not been home till Maddie is asleep, I still love all my time with her. Its been hard at some points, not having someone to pass her off to, but since she can sit up on her own, its been much much easier. I can sit her in the pack n play and cook, or clean. Which is what i did saturday. I vacuumed and steam mopped the kitchen while maddie sat and watched. And then i rolled the pnp to the formal living room and she watched me do the same to my entryway. I made kimchi jigae and everything!

Sunday my family came over. Maddie was SO good. even let everyone hold her! i know i complain a lot but deep down i know my baby is awesome!

Maddie has been into books lately which i am LOVING. Her first favorite book was a book my book club had gotten me, called Farm Animals.

She loves the touch n feel books and knows exactly where to touch.


She loved this book so much, I tried to find other touch and feel books online and I bought some but she doesnt like them as much as Farm Animals.

But surprisingly, that book actually recently got trumped by a famous Eric Carle book, Polar Bear Polar Bear what do you hear?


She looooves this book. She smiles and laughs as i read it. Its so cute bc she will try to peek in between pages to see whats coming next. She loves the pictures. and I love reading to her.

Her naps have been getting so much better. I figured something out. If she wakes up early from a nap, I dont go to get her for 15 minutes. I let her whine, cry or whatever she wants to do for 15 minutes. after 15 minutes, i go to get her if shes still awake. But I found that most of the time, she will go back down for a nap! amazing! this has changed my days and her schedule tremendously. She had even taken a few 2 hour naps. GLORIOUS! this caused me to move her first solid meal from afternoon to the morning time. I Think this schedule is much better so i hope she can keep it up. Shes still at 2 naps a day most days...

Have i mentioned she can use a straw now? I am so over the sippy cup. the straw sippy is the bomb. she can use it herself and i just love it.

New foods she has tried - chicken soup, beef stew, "jook" (rice porridge), peaches. I have some blueberries i havent given her yet. I stopped giving yogurt bc I think she had a slight reaction to it. it was either that or mango. still not sure yet.

Maddie learned the word "picture". When I say wheres the picture, she can look at her sonogram pics hanging in her room.

still have 10 lbs to lose. oh, last week i sort of spotted and i got scared my period was coming back. but still nothing yet. wonder how long i can go without it. hehe.

oh, so she is also teething again. i can tell because grandma maddie is back! she is also doing everything she used to do when her first teeth came in...including waking up at nights! wahhhh! i dont even know which teeth are coming in, so its even hard for me to help her. Hope they come in quick. ITs so sad to see them suffering.

I'm loving all the time i have to write this blog. I even got to take some naps this weekend when maddie napped. it was such a great weekend...even though J was gone (or was it BECAUSE J was gone? haha). I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. =(

Happy Vday All!

more quick easy meals...

this shrimp jambalaya i got from anne burrell, so i was surprised how easy it as to do. there was very little prep and its a one pot meal.


last week, J's family came over to celebrate new years/FIL's bday. MIL brought her kim chi....i must admit, she is a banging cook and her homemade kim chi is the best. we used up what was left to make kim chi fried rice last night. so easy! and so yum.

i had a freaky dream about my mom the other day. she was hovering over me while I was in bed. when i dream about her, she is in her late 30's-early 40's. i know because of the hairstyle. I dont really remember what we were doing, I just know I felt like I was awake, but I knew she had passed, and she was "visiting" me. I remember turning to J, who was sleeping and he said "whats wrong?" and i said "my moms here". He grabbed my hand and I woke up.

The dream felt so real. I even asked J that night "was i talking to you last night in my sleep?"... i really thought maybe it was for real. but he said no, so i guess it was a dream. that, however, doesnt stop me from believing she was there, stopping by to say hello.

- started giving cheerios this week. maddie seems to be able to handle it fine, but i still limit how much i give her, bc i dont feel they dissolve very fast.

Well last night i decided to cook. I defrosted my roast beef I had in my freezer and made some mashed potatoes to go along with it. Found out that D and H were coming over, so I addded on a 3 cheese pasta:

crispy fried shallots. so good. i put these on top of the mash


my roast. i cuts slits in the meat and put in garlic slices. On the bottom of the pan is water, broth and marsala wine. also some extra garlic which added a lot to the soon-to-be gravy. no marination needed. very easy recipe and this fed us 4 plus it had leftovers.


done. about an hour in the oven.


this is whats at the bottom of the pan when the beef is done. just put back on your stovetop, add some flour and/or butter, maybe a little more broth if needed, and voila. instant gravy.


3 cheese pasta. SO easy. just boil pasta, then when its done, add the next ingredients. butter, fontina cheese, parmesan cheese, and gruyere. its the cheeses i had on hand, but you can add any cheese. (Sorry no pics of actual pasta).


speaking of food...

My diet has been awful lately...being that i breastfeed i should be taking in much more protein than i do.

When i was preggers meat of any kind really did not intrigue me. Now that i gave birth, that surprisingly hasnt changed. i still kind of get turned off by both chicken and beef. Weird right? I force myself to eat some beef bc I know I am anemic as it is. I do love and crave seafod but i have to limit this to three to four servings a week to avoid potential overconsumption of mercury and other trace elements.

Vitamin c....forget it. I get none. I bought some calcium fortified OJ the other day.

i could list all the other nutrients i dont get, but then that would be way too long of a post. so ill just say i need to keep better track of what im eating!

in other food news, i am loving Michelle O bama's campaign against childhood obesity. since even becoming pregnant, i always knew i wanted to play some hand in my future children's school meals. i feel that this is SO important. I remember eating nasty pizza, chicken nuggets, burgers at my elementary school. horrible. i would never feed that stuff to my kid now and i really hope these LI schools have some kind of nutrition program in place.

and totally off topic, i just found out that one of the more popular cooperative preschools in my neighborhood is literally around the corner from me! (cooperative means the parents play active roles in participation in the school and community..and you either dont pay anything, or a much lower tuition. ummm, since when did some preschools cost the same amount as a car? huh? huh?). Anyway, jae took a new route home the other day and just as we were turning the corner to my house, i noticed the school... I could walk there in 3 minutes. so excited!

updates:

-Maddie can now use a straw. its pretty darned cute.

-I took Maddie on a walk to the bank today (gorgeous day!) and she fell asleep in the stroller! she did take a very short nap this morning so clearly she was tired but still, this is the FIRST time in her 7 months of existence. at least now i know it can be done.

-Maddies facial expressions are hilarious. sometimes while im cooking or whatever i look up and see her staring at me. she gets this semi-embarrassed look on her face like she just got caught. SO funny! little things like this just make me realize what a little person she is becoming.

- first allergic reaction. to what, i am still not sure. i gave her some pureed chicken soup with carrots celery and onions. i had nevr given celery or onions before so i assumed it was that. but then i made beef stew with potatoes, and other veggies she has had before and same rash in the same spots. then yesterday i gave her no meat, but she ate squash, green beans, carrots and peas. again, a reaction. the only thing they all have in common are carrots, but shes had carrots before and no reaction. weird. im wondering if its also the bread and stuff i giving her.

anyway, todays topic is something that has been bugging me since i became a mom. and its about those people who are not parents who want to make comments they know nothing about.

when you're not a parent, i think its very easy to pass judgement on those who are. ive done this so many times myself.

"wow, id never let my kid watch TV while eating"

"that kid has zero discipline. thats never going to happen with my kids"

"my kids will have manners"

"my kids are going to listen to me...not be bratty like that"

as a parent, you start with a blank slate, and you fully EXPECT to do SO many things.

"im going to breastfeed. everyone else i know did. and its the best for the baby"

"im not going to be one of those moms whos schedule revolves around babies sleep"

"im going to be one of those cool moms. not those moms with a stick up her ass"

"duh! a baby should be on a schedule...im definitely going to be doing this"

Its not so much the comments persay, but really the attitude. like, uhhh yeah, of course im doing that. really?

I dont think anyone can make comments until you've been there. ive been asked about sleep training and letting a baby cry it out. Some are so adamant about this being done AFTER 6 months, due to various issues i wont get into. but whos to say? since you never tried it prior to 6 months, how do you know? For the record, i did it at 3 months and it changed my life.

Breatfeeding...i think many people do expect to breastfeed and but there are many reasons for not being able to. You may have to be on medication, you go back to work and its too hard to keep up, just being overwhelming and stressful in general where in that case, its actually better for baby to NOT breastfeed, baby has a medical conditions where you need to monitor fluid intake... the list can go on and on.

Some people were surprised to hear neither of my sister in laws breastfed. I'm not sure why thats so shocking. Theres no shame in formula feeding if thats what you choose. For my younger sister in law, she gave birth over 10 years ago....back then, breastfeeding was not as "trendy" as it is now. The education level was horrible as well. You cannot possibly expect to breastfeed without having some sort of knowledge about it. People are much more equipped to handle it these days with all the info out there. Its not to say she didnt try, it just didnt work for her. Her youngest was also a preemie...and needed formula to supplement.

The older SIL couldnt handle the engorgement. For her, this was more painful than childbirth. For some, engorgement is just that painful. Or mastitis or a blocked duct. I was lucky in that engorgement never bothered me. in fact, it only took me 2 days to adjust to a 12 hour span of not pumping or feeding (when Maddie started sleeping through the night). For others, even going 2 hours creates a lot of pain.

After going through it, I honestly understand why some people give up on it. First of all, in the hospital, I had horrible lactation consultants. I was basically passed this new baby and left to fend on my own. I didnt feel I got any help whatsoever when i was in the hospital. Secondly, I had a tough time with it to be honest. I had wanted to give up a number of times but there were some personal issues that kept me going. I could totally understand though, why it would be difficult for some to keep up with.

So yes, there are many reasons why it may not be possible for you to do what you hope to do.

A babys Schedule. This is a big one. I think everyone hopes their baby can be on a schedule. Then when you actually have a kid of your own, its a whole new ballgame.
I find some people talk like this is so easy...its not. I find most people are the most confident about this...little do they know. They dont take a lot of factors into count here. Babys temperment, influence of outside caretakers etc. They think its just natural for a baby to be on schedule right? But what about one or both of the pArents having a 9-5 job and the babys bedtime becomes 6:30pm? I bet most people suddenly ditch the schedule they were so confident about giving so that the parents can have time to enjoy their baby in the evening time. I would do the same if I came home later.

The basic point is, you just never know until you're there. Just like when you start planning a wedding and suddenly you realize how much things cost and how much goes into planning one. You cant say much until you're there, right? I believe this is what makes the "mommy club" such a powerful one. Because you share these things that only you can possibly know.

oh and by the way, these ppl who love to comment before having a kid, are also the ones who TOUCH Pregnant bellies without asking. and then when they're pregnant, they get annoyed when someone else does the same thing.

Maddie is 7 months tomorrow!

As cute as she is, she has her bad moments. Currently she has:

- separation anxiety. THIS SUCKS. Once I leave a room she starts to cry. She used to be so independent. This really blows esp since I work from home.

- she learned to throw things. Anything you put in her hand, she chucks on the floor. Very annoying.

- lastly, her whining is just atrocious. I HATE whining. I cant take it, I literally start to get so pissed.

so today was one of those days. the days where i start to contemplate getting a nanny a few times a week or dropping her off in daycare part time. I even looked into this! For part time, it would still cost me $1200 a month. Thats a big expense. Man, sometimes i wish i had my mom around. =(

So that led me to start thinking....

How to be a great mom...

My mom was a GREAT MOM. The best. Does this mean she was perfect? No. When she was pregnant, she ate everything, no restrictions. cold cuts etc. But she was a GREAT MOM. I was a formula fed baby and i remember eating a lot of TV dinners. But she was a GREAT MOM. There was even a 5 year period in her 30's when she picked up smoking. But she was a GREAT MOM. Being a great mom doesn't mean that you do everything right...

I do believe you become a mother at conception. When you are pregnant, you want to do whats best for your baby. But I also don't believe in all the hype these days. I feel like some people are just SO dramatic about it all. Live your life! Thats whats going to make the baby happy.

When I was preggers, I wasn't perfect. I ate runny eggs, cold cuts, pieces of sushi and rare steak. I still cleaned every week, carried my dyson vacuum up and down the steps, and cooked almost every night. I went for 2 mile walks in the park even in the snow. I slipped once and fell on my knees but I literally picked myself back up and kept walking. Big deal. I knew my kid was safe. Its wasnt like i fell from 2 stories up. I even used to work full days at work, drive right to the park and still walk 2 miles. The fresh air felt soooo goood. Even in freezing cold weather. I still had my parties and still kept hanging out with friends, and kept doing things like book club.

Some people might think im crazy for doing all that, but I really felt like these are the exact things that made the baby grow and thrive. I think there is far too many restrictions these days....enough to scare people to not want to do anything. I think it does the baby such a disservice. I actually find it annoying when pregnant ladies comment or complain about what they cant eat. So dramatic. Get over it. a little bit aint gonna hurt. I felt like I lived my life, and I took my baby with me and shes better for it.

Yes, I was lucky to have a sickness-free pregnancy. I understand morning sickness cant be helped, so i understand that. But in other aspects, when you feel like you can do something, do it! dont hide from the rain and snow. dont cower in your house all day. Life goes on....the baby doesnt stop it. It only enhances it.

Now, as the baby is here, I am still not doing everything right. I let her watch TV. I give her snacks that may not be good for her. Yogurt with sugar in it. I eat french fries and when she watches me, i think "i cant wait till she can have one". French fries are delicious! I look forward to some daytime visits to mcdonalds, her first happy meal. I slipped down the steps, and gave her her first ER visit even though we should have made the steps non slip for months prior. I wont always do everything right, but what i will do is do what i can to my best ability. Maddie wont always have an organic diet, or even a good one. One day she will be addicted to TV. One day, she will play video games, or be hooked on the computer. I cant shield her, and I can't prevent this. I can only do what i can do and thats it.

I think my worst disservice to her is that i still cannot find the patience I need to be a mom. I get aggravated easily when she misbehaves. So much so that i think BAD thoughts! I know as she gets older, she will only test my patience even harder. But I dont know how to stop how I feel. I hope someday I can learn. I think a few factors do exacerbate this though. The fact that I am home alone with her with no help. I can't take a walk to anyones house. I dont have relatives who can come over a few times a week and give me an hour off here and there. I am lucky as it is that jae doesnt work late hours. Also, I work from home. I know I keep saying it, but this really blows.

I am not the best mom, but I do believe I am a good one. Why? Because I know I do what i can to my best ability. I accept the imperfections i will have. and THAT's what makes a great mom.

So times like today, I put her down for an early nap. Gave myself time to refresh and write this blog and press the restart button. I feel better already.