Letter #2

Dear Mom:

Sorry this letter is late. I promised you one every year...so I promised myself I would get it done this month.

So much has happened since I last saw you. It has been just over a year yet I still remember that day. The day when I knew something was wrong....I was so scared to call 911. Afraid of what would happen. It was an awful feeling.

I remember everything about that night. Talking to you and you responding....and how quickly things changed in a matter of 20 minutes. I remember the doctors name - Robin Kim. He was a nice doctor...I think I saw him crying when you passed. The most awful memories are the faces of the people when they heard the news. Jae passing out. Grandma not believing its true. Its just not fun to think about and yet everything is so vividly clear in my mind.....the sound of the flatline continues to haunt me to this day. I am still amazed at how rock solid I was. Not a single tear from me. That didn't mean I wasn't sad to lose you....but I think I knew it was for the better. I knew you wouldnt give up unless it was the last resort. I had to stay strong for everyone else. I had to talk to the doctors...had to tell them not to resusitate....had to break the news to the whole family, telling them phone call by phone call.

Anyway, since that night when I was just under a month pregnant, I really thought I was going to lose the baby. I Really thought that no small fetus could handle that amount of stress. I was ready to accept the fact that that was a possibility and go full force into planning the funeral etc, knowing that a miscarriage could possibly happen.

Well, I'm happy to report, I carried full term and you became the grandma of a beautiful little girl, Madelyn. Of course, I used your name for her middle. That is something Jae and I discussed as soon as we found out it was a girl...it was actually one morning we were in Albany of all places.

My pregnancy was relatively easy. Not a day of morning sickness. I felt great, until the last few months where I just wanted to sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. I gave up on my weight control there as well. But prior to that, I did a ton of walking and felt great doing so. Once my bump became big enough to notice, I loved flaunting it! I was proud. I loved walking into a room carrying my baby. I never got to ask you if you had stretch marks. I ended up getting them anyway, very late into the game. Maybe the last 2 months or so. I had zero cravings and zero aversions. It was a great pregnancy, I would have to say and I do miss it so. Our marriage was probably the best its ever been during my pregnancy as well. We really cherished every minute of it. I know that would have made you happy.

The labor and delivery was a little rougher. I had a csection. It was crazy when they pulled her out and I heard her cry. THe best sound in the world. She was born at 8 lbs 12 oz...and a tall baby at 21". It was great that she came out so big. Her neck control was awesome from day one. She was pretty sturdy very quickly which just made taking care of her that much easier.

I got hives after the birth. The hospital stay was very uncomfortable...I couldn't wait to get home. Once we were home, it was just Jae and I and our new baby girl. We have done everything to date on our own, by ourselves. We have had little to no help...while its been hard, i feel very proud of us as well. We juggle a lot....and always come out pretty successful.

so, can you believe I have a daughter?

The first 3 months were the hardest, but after that, motherhood has been more enjoyable. She is a happy baby who loves to laugh. You must be able to hear her laugh by now...its so boisterous, comes straight from the belly, I don't know how the high heavens could not hear such a joyous sound. I always try to look for you in her, but alas, she is all Jae. hehe. Her personality though, is definitely from our family. I think eventually she will be a social butterfly just like you.

She is a great baby...she became a self soother at under 3 months. She sucks her thumb just like I did. She is easy to make smile and laugh. She can sit or play by herself. She sleeps through the night. Shes alert, observant, very smart. The one quirk she has that is a bit exhausting is that she doesnt like to sit in the car seat or stroller. She doesnt like to be strapped down, so she will try to get out. And she will cry. But I guess on the upside, shes just a very awake baby and knows where she is and whats shes doing. Shes not a sleepy baby, or one that just sits there staring off into space. Shes aware and alive in spirit.

shes got spunk. and a little bit of my bitchiness. When she doesnt like something, she will make this awful grunt to let you know. She don't play around. I always wonder if you're watching us....its quite funny actually. Maddie really loves her room. Everytime I enter the room, she starts smiling. When I leave the room and she is over my shoulder, I hear her laughing out of nowhere. A few times, I have been sitting in the rocking chair and she starts staring at something and then breaks out into laughter. Is it you that she loves so much? Seriously, I think sometimes she sees something I dont....I would love to think its your presence.

I think about you a lot when it comes to the baby. I remember how you were so famous for holding a baby and doing a thousand things with one arm - cooking, eating, reading etc. I remember how famous you made eating noodles while holding a baby. I like to hold Maddie too. I like to do it cuz it reminds me of you. It makes me feel like I can parent like you too. In our family, I think thats pretty standard. In Jaes, I get a few comments about why I hold her while I'm eating. How do I explain that it's what my mom does and therefore its ok and to go suck it?

When you were still here, Jae was in negotiations for a Flushing store. Well in late May, he finally opened it. We are gearing up for the next holiday season now, so Jae will be very busy, and I guess I'll be a single mom for a week. These would be the times you would come over to help me.


I also started working from home after maternity leave. It's a great opportunity for me to earn some money, still provide health insurance for everyone and still get to raise the baby myself. But does it suck? Yeah. I dont like it one bit, especially with an annoying boss. But it's what we have to do for now. Who knows whats to come.

Kevin got engaged. You would have been happy. I just had a dream the other day about you...somehow the wedding was involved but I can't remember all the details anymore. Anyway, its set for August 2011. I know you will be there in spirit, dancing the night away.

Gosh, come to think of it, you didnt even know Cindy and Vanessa were pregnant! Well since, they both have had their babies. All 3 babies will be together this thanksgiving! Diana is pregnant with a boy! Amy is now pregnant! The new generation of babies has been born. I know they will grow up together and close, like we all did. This is something you would have loved loved loved. Our family was everything to you. You would have been the one person to really appreciate how its growing.

So many new and fun things you are missing. Speaking of thanksgiving, I am hosting this year. Po didn't even want to do thanksgiving, but I insisted. Therefore, I was left to host. A lot of people commented that I was crazy to host with a baby. But everyone is bringing a dish so theres not much I need to do besides turkey and mash. Ben's dad actually did email me and tell me you would be proud of me. Alas, I have to agree. You LOVED these holiday gatherings with the family. You were the most festive out of everyone. The cornerstone of the fam. To give up this tradition would be blasphemous. You would not approve at all, so it has been my duty to uphold this yearly gathering. I will also be hosting Christmas and thinking of you every step of the way. I do believe this was your favorite holiday with all your kooky holiday hats and holiday musical animals you would randomly buy. I still look at one of those blow up snow globes and think of you. So dont worry mom, the family tradition still goes on.

Po and Gung are good...but they miss you. It's evident. Now that I am a mother, I cannot fathom the loss of my own child. I feel their pain and I hurt for them. But under the circumstances, I think they are doing well. I think Maddie definitely has something to do with that. They now live and breathe for this little girl. I never saw gung smile so much or be affectionate to a baby. He will actually look at photos of her on his fridge and wave. LOL. I do believe this baby "saved" them in a way. It gives them something to care about and think about when they are in their greatest pain.

I dont think there is any other big news. It was certainly a life changing year for all of us. The one thing I tell myself everyday is to keep moving. Life goes on and I try not to let it pass me by. I look ahead and hope there are more good things to come.

The one bad thing I do have to tell you is that your wish for a relationship with dad has not happened. Like so many other people, he is completely lost without you, which has caused him to push people away. And as you know, our relationship with him was never close so combine the two, and you have quite some distance there. I dont think this will ever change. I know you will be unhappy about that but that is the reality and I honestly have no desire to change it. I know you will be disappointed to hear that but I have to be honest.

In any case, I guess its time to end the letter. Its weird...I feel like if I end this letter, I end "talking" to you. But I have to believe you are always around. You probably already knew everything I just told you, didnt you? I do miss you so very much. I really hope you know that I am happy and have everything I have ever needed. I hope wherever you are, you have a smile on your face. I love you.

Love,
Jessie