19 weeks

just about 19 weeks now.

we had a good day today. we took maddie to toys r us to buy a bday gift for cousin jake. she sat in the carseat like a good girl and then in the stroller all throughout the store. and then didnt cry on the way home. yay! well, i re-introduced the paci to her, so that kept her occupied during the whole time we were out. whatever works....

she is really getting so funny. her new thing is to take herself off my boob, throw her head back and look at the world upside down. its so cute, and i get to play with her cheeks while she does this.

i am having trouble finding things to occupy her time. play mat, exersaucer, jumparoo. all redundant day in and day out. i did take her for a walk today to the bank...but that got interrupted by a call from my boss.

which leads to why i hate working from home with a baby... here we are, a nice day outside. maddie is being good, and im walking home from the bank. my boss calls and says hes on the phone with a sales rep and do i have time for a conference call right now. i tell him i am just a block from my house...he says, ok call me back.

i literally run home with the stroller. get the baby out of the seat, drag the stroller into the house. run upstairs, take off my jacket and her jacket and hat and throw her on the playmat and hope shes ok. i call him back. he says "oh we just hung up...he going to call me back with some info and then ill call you".

shit! shes due for a nap in about 45 minutes. if he calls when i need to put her down, i dont know what im going to do. he calls back 20 minutes later. maddie is starting to get fussy. i first put her on the playmat, while on speakerphone. she starts to whine. i pick her up and put her in the exersaucer. still on the phone, trying to take notes.

she starts to whine. i pick her up and carry her in one arm, taking notes in the other. my boss wants me to look something up on the computer. fack! i am still carrying her, looking something up on the computer with one hand. my arms starts to get tried, so i put her back in the exersaucer...towards the stuff that doesnt make any sound or music.

she starts to whine. crap. i pick her back up and continue to bounce her while taking notes (horrible, messy ones now), while still trying to maintain a conversation. i can tell my boss is not happy. he keeps saying "right, jess?" and "well, jess would know the answer to that..." encouraging me to talk...

finally, i see maddie actually start to fall asleep. hallelujah! thank you for the best baby in the world. i dont need to go into her room and put her to sleep in the crib. but my arm is still hurting. she is a heavy baby to be holding with one arm for such a long time. the conference call ends....but my boss says "jess, i'll call you right back"

i continue to bounce her while he calls me back and bitches about nothing that has to do with the conference call. he goes on and on rambling....finally, he lets me go and i put the baby down in the crib. my arm was NUMB. well, 15 mins later, she woke up so i had to carry her for the rest of her nap anyway. but still...i dont like working from home with the baby. i feel awfully guilty for neglecting her...and i really want to give her 100%. but at the end of the day, i know i am incredibly lucky to both be earning income and to be home with my baby.

in any case, maddie was just so good today and i am so thankful for such a beautiful, sweet baby. tonight, before i put her down for bed, i told her i loved her so much...she was the best thing that ever happened to me...and that i hoped she would always be happy, healthy and safe. she was totally asleep but i hope someday she will hear and understand those words.

on a total sidenote, I gained weight! I am now 13 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. This bites. I really need to quit the take out and start cooking. Or exercising. Neither of them sound particularly interesting at this point in time. sigh.