Christmas...i LOVE christmas. I do declare its my favorite holiday. the music, the lights, the weather, the cheer....i love everything about it. This year is Maddies first christmas....even though its her first, Jae and I have not planned to get her anything. She doesnt know what a gift is, and I figure she doesnt really need anything anyway.

Also, we have been asked by so many people what to buy for her. I honestly dont even know what a 6 month old would need, so its been hard. I did tell my SIL that I wanted MAddie to have a push buggy and she purchased one for her yesterday. yay!


I did have an amazon wish list of things I eventually wanted to get Maddie so I guess I could also use that but its just a bunch of little items here and there. Not sure anyone wants to get them since people tend to want to buy 1 bigger gift. (Not that I need a big gift! I'm out of space!)

As for Jae and I, well I asked him for my gift this year. I wanted the Beaba baby cooker bc we started Maddie on cereal on 11/28! yay!


I have wanted this machine since before Maddie was born. Jae insisted he not get this for me for xmas, since its not really for me and that we could just buy it as a normal purchase, but i dont want anything else! So he picked it up for me. woo hoo! cant wait to use it.

As for Jae, I got him a flip video.


He loves taking video of maddie and is always using up all my space on my camera. Thats why i upload my photos so quickly - I have to do a dump out of my camera cuz all the space is taken by videos taken by him going "say ahpah...say ahpah" to Maddie who is just staring at him like hes crazy. I also wanted to get him the Keurig coffee maker, but who was I kidding. I would really be buying it for myself...so i just told him i wanted it and that I was going to buy it. haha.

the nephews and nieces are tough ones to buy for. Philip has given me a few things he wanted but they are all expensive. I plan to either get him a ripstick or a ps3 game. Ryan will get beyblades stuff and harry potter lego if i can find it. He also needs a bday gift too! ARGH! Jake gets an easel, as asked for my his mom. The 2 girls - NO CLUE! Need a list from SIL asap.

The rest of my family is even tougher. I have NO idea what to get anyone. I have a lot of empty spaces on my xmas list.

Also another conundrum - do i buy my cousins kids stuff? If I buy for one, i have to buy for all? I'm so scared someone will come to my house with a gift for maddie, and I wont have anything for their kid. What to do? Help!

Today is a new day.

Yesterday, I really struggled to get through the day. It happens from time to time. But today we start fresh. When you have a bad day with a kid, you allow yourself to "reset" for the next day. Since they are so unpredictable, you just start with a clean slate the following day and see where it takes you.

She woke up every hour from midnight to 7am last night. She didnt need me though, I never went to her. She would fuss, or whine for a few minutes and go right back to sleep. I am not sure whats going on with her...growth spurt? teething? milestone? who knows....but she is sure not acting like her normal self.

But today we reset. She woke up at a normal time this AM and we'll see what happens from here. Day by day....thats how you live with a baby.

just one of those days...

25 minute naps all around. This is starting to piss me off. Shes irritable and fussy all day. Wont go down for naps as easily. Work sucks and its so hard watching the baby at the same time. For some reason whether jae is home or not, i still have the same amount of responsibility. Shes been up since 2:30...woke go down for a nap so now i have 2 hours to kill while shes cranky as hell. Had plans to go out to Target but since she wont sleep and I do everything, I have to stay home and watch over her. Havent been outside all day bc of her irregular sleeping and eating.

One of those days I just break down in tears from the pressure and stress. One of those days I tell jae "get her away from me".

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep....but alas, I cant bc I'm supermom...and I have so much more to do.

Wahhh for the past few days Maddie has not taken a nap longer than 40 mins. Most of her naps are 25-30 minutes instead of her usual 1.5-2 hours. WHAT HAPPENED? I think she got a bit sick the week of 11/15 and this screwed her up. She was only sick for 2 days but something must have happened cuz her sleep has not been the same. I'm going insane....I cant get anything done anymore. Shes going back to her old ways. I did read about a 4 month sleep regression...maybe this is it. I am just hoping she goes back to longer naps soon cuz I am exhausted!

What I hate about hosting Thanksgiving:

1. Even though my relatives TOTALLY cleaned up, washed dishes, etc...theres still a lot of work for me to do. The floors are filthy, things still need to be put away etc.

2. People coming in with their shoes on. just gross. they usually will come in with their shoes to drop off food and then go take them off later. But still, very gross. I have a baby who will soon be crawling on this floor!

3. People who ask me for bottled water when I put out 3 gallons of water on the buffet table. If you MUST drink from a bottle, please bring your own. I dont have the money to buy cases of bottled water, only to have you drink half and leave it on a counter somewhere for someone to clean up later.

4. Not having a place for the kids to go. Last Christmas, they occupied my living room... I found candy wrappers and food and stuff all over the sofa. This year they took over my bedroom. How they ended up here, I have no idea. They werent messing anything up, but just not having that quiet space anywhere in the house was hard. And while MAddie was trying to sleep, they would be loud and go up and down the stairs.

5. Little things out of place - like my foam letter "carpet"...they messed up all the borders and switched a lot of the letters. we also had painters tape on our stairs for a project we never started...but i found the tape had been taken off and put in other places.

6. Someone opening a bottle of wine and it was still 100% full by the time they left. I had to dump it.

7. All the soda cans strewn all over the house, of course, none of them were empty.

8. Everyone taking all my tupperware.

9. Finding random food bits in crevices all over the house. Walnuts here and there, dried up corn here and there... gross.

10. People not knowing where my stuff is...so I get asked about a zillion questions coming from a zillion people in a zillion different directions. When I went upstairs to breastfeed Maddie, I felt anxious bc I knew people would probably need stuff...I didnt think that was fair to Maddie. I hated being away from the crowd....so i did end up giving her a bottle so that I could be around at the same time she ate.

Let me stop complaining. I just needed to vent a bit...but I have no regrets about hosting. I love my family!! and I love entertaining. ITs just always a lot of work.....and I bring upon most of the anxiety myself. I get to do it all over again for Xmas!

How to get ready for Thanksgiving:

I am cooking only turkey and mash. Still, its a lot of work to host (maybe cuz i have a baby now).

1. Bring up MJ table, chairs, and buffet table from basement.
2. Grandma helped me get cups, plates, utensils, soda, beer, napkins
3. Cousin brought over lbs of mushrooms, potatos, sweet potatoes, salad
4. Clean house (esp bathrooms!)
5. Set up pack n play, swing and other items for the kids
6. Put on tablecloths over everything so tables dont get ruined
7. Bought a refrigerator to put in the garage to help with space (we wanted to do this anyway...but thanksgiving just gave us a push)
8. take out all serving platters, gravy boats, basters etc.
9. Make sure there is milk, coffee
10. Bake cookies
11. Clean turkey (yuck!)
12. Wake up at 5 AM to cook it!!!!
13. Peel 15 lbs of potatoes. Myself.
14. Move heater downstairs so Mahjong people dont complain about my drafty house.
15. bring cooler in from deck and clean it
16. buy 3 bags of ice to put out for soda and beer
17. Clean out refrigerator to make room for all the food and dessert coming. I threw out a lot of expired stuff. oops!

I am sure theres more, but thats the gist. All this while watching the baby on my own. Jae is working late this week.

bUt you know what, it is ALL WORTH IT to spend time with the family and eat our annual big feast! YUM!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Letter #2

Dear Mom:

Sorry this letter is late. I promised you one every year...so I promised myself I would get it done this month.

So much has happened since I last saw you. It has been just over a year yet I still remember that day. The day when I knew something was wrong....I was so scared to call 911. Afraid of what would happen. It was an awful feeling.

I remember everything about that night. Talking to you and you responding....and how quickly things changed in a matter of 20 minutes. I remember the doctors name - Robin Kim. He was a nice doctor...I think I saw him crying when you passed. The most awful memories are the faces of the people when they heard the news. Jae passing out. Grandma not believing its true. Its just not fun to think about and yet everything is so vividly clear in my mind.....the sound of the flatline continues to haunt me to this day. I am still amazed at how rock solid I was. Not a single tear from me. That didn't mean I wasn't sad to lose you....but I think I knew it was for the better. I knew you wouldnt give up unless it was the last resort. I had to stay strong for everyone else. I had to talk to the doctors...had to tell them not to resusitate....had to break the news to the whole family, telling them phone call by phone call.

Anyway, since that night when I was just under a month pregnant, I really thought I was going to lose the baby. I Really thought that no small fetus could handle that amount of stress. I was ready to accept the fact that that was a possibility and go full force into planning the funeral etc, knowing that a miscarriage could possibly happen.

Well, I'm happy to report, I carried full term and you became the grandma of a beautiful little girl, Madelyn. Of course, I used your name for her middle. That is something Jae and I discussed as soon as we found out it was a girl...it was actually one morning we were in Albany of all places.

My pregnancy was relatively easy. Not a day of morning sickness. I felt great, until the last few months where I just wanted to sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. I gave up on my weight control there as well. But prior to that, I did a ton of walking and felt great doing so. Once my bump became big enough to notice, I loved flaunting it! I was proud. I loved walking into a room carrying my baby. I never got to ask you if you had stretch marks. I ended up getting them anyway, very late into the game. Maybe the last 2 months or so. I had zero cravings and zero aversions. It was a great pregnancy, I would have to say and I do miss it so. Our marriage was probably the best its ever been during my pregnancy as well. We really cherished every minute of it. I know that would have made you happy.

The labor and delivery was a little rougher. I had a csection. It was crazy when they pulled her out and I heard her cry. THe best sound in the world. She was born at 8 lbs 12 oz...and a tall baby at 21". It was great that she came out so big. Her neck control was awesome from day one. She was pretty sturdy very quickly which just made taking care of her that much easier.

I got hives after the birth. The hospital stay was very uncomfortable...I couldn't wait to get home. Once we were home, it was just Jae and I and our new baby girl. We have done everything to date on our own, by ourselves. We have had little to no help...while its been hard, i feel very proud of us as well. We juggle a lot....and always come out pretty successful.

so, can you believe I have a daughter?

The first 3 months were the hardest, but after that, motherhood has been more enjoyable. She is a happy baby who loves to laugh. You must be able to hear her laugh by now...its so boisterous, comes straight from the belly, I don't know how the high heavens could not hear such a joyous sound. I always try to look for you in her, but alas, she is all Jae. hehe. Her personality though, is definitely from our family. I think eventually she will be a social butterfly just like you.

She is a great baby...she became a self soother at under 3 months. She sucks her thumb just like I did. She is easy to make smile and laugh. She can sit or play by herself. She sleeps through the night. Shes alert, observant, very smart. The one quirk she has that is a bit exhausting is that she doesnt like to sit in the car seat or stroller. She doesnt like to be strapped down, so she will try to get out. And she will cry. But I guess on the upside, shes just a very awake baby and knows where she is and whats shes doing. Shes not a sleepy baby, or one that just sits there staring off into space. Shes aware and alive in spirit.

shes got spunk. and a little bit of my bitchiness. When she doesnt like something, she will make this awful grunt to let you know. She don't play around. I always wonder if you're watching us....its quite funny actually. Maddie really loves her room. Everytime I enter the room, she starts smiling. When I leave the room and she is over my shoulder, I hear her laughing out of nowhere. A few times, I have been sitting in the rocking chair and she starts staring at something and then breaks out into laughter. Is it you that she loves so much? Seriously, I think sometimes she sees something I dont....I would love to think its your presence.

I think about you a lot when it comes to the baby. I remember how you were so famous for holding a baby and doing a thousand things with one arm - cooking, eating, reading etc. I remember how famous you made eating noodles while holding a baby. I like to hold Maddie too. I like to do it cuz it reminds me of you. It makes me feel like I can parent like you too. In our family, I think thats pretty standard. In Jaes, I get a few comments about why I hold her while I'm eating. How do I explain that it's what my mom does and therefore its ok and to go suck it?

When you were still here, Jae was in negotiations for a Flushing store. Well in late May, he finally opened it. We are gearing up for the next holiday season now, so Jae will be very busy, and I guess I'll be a single mom for a week. These would be the times you would come over to help me.


I also started working from home after maternity leave. It's a great opportunity for me to earn some money, still provide health insurance for everyone and still get to raise the baby myself. But does it suck? Yeah. I dont like it one bit, especially with an annoying boss. But it's what we have to do for now. Who knows whats to come.

Kevin got engaged. You would have been happy. I just had a dream the other day about you...somehow the wedding was involved but I can't remember all the details anymore. Anyway, its set for August 2011. I know you will be there in spirit, dancing the night away.

Gosh, come to think of it, you didnt even know Cindy and Vanessa were pregnant! Well since, they both have had their babies. All 3 babies will be together this thanksgiving! Diana is pregnant with a boy! Amy is now pregnant! The new generation of babies has been born. I know they will grow up together and close, like we all did. This is something you would have loved loved loved. Our family was everything to you. You would have been the one person to really appreciate how its growing.

So many new and fun things you are missing. Speaking of thanksgiving, I am hosting this year. Po didn't even want to do thanksgiving, but I insisted. Therefore, I was left to host. A lot of people commented that I was crazy to host with a baby. But everyone is bringing a dish so theres not much I need to do besides turkey and mash. Ben's dad actually did email me and tell me you would be proud of me. Alas, I have to agree. You LOVED these holiday gatherings with the family. You were the most festive out of everyone. The cornerstone of the fam. To give up this tradition would be blasphemous. You would not approve at all, so it has been my duty to uphold this yearly gathering. I will also be hosting Christmas and thinking of you every step of the way. I do believe this was your favorite holiday with all your kooky holiday hats and holiday musical animals you would randomly buy. I still look at one of those blow up snow globes and think of you. So dont worry mom, the family tradition still goes on.

Po and Gung are good...but they miss you. It's evident. Now that I am a mother, I cannot fathom the loss of my own child. I feel their pain and I hurt for them. But under the circumstances, I think they are doing well. I think Maddie definitely has something to do with that. They now live and breathe for this little girl. I never saw gung smile so much or be affectionate to a baby. He will actually look at photos of her on his fridge and wave. LOL. I do believe this baby "saved" them in a way. It gives them something to care about and think about when they are in their greatest pain.

I dont think there is any other big news. It was certainly a life changing year for all of us. The one thing I tell myself everyday is to keep moving. Life goes on and I try not to let it pass me by. I look ahead and hope there are more good things to come.

The one bad thing I do have to tell you is that your wish for a relationship with dad has not happened. Like so many other people, he is completely lost without you, which has caused him to push people away. And as you know, our relationship with him was never close so combine the two, and you have quite some distance there. I dont think this will ever change. I know you will be unhappy about that but that is the reality and I honestly have no desire to change it. I know you will be disappointed to hear that but I have to be honest.

In any case, I guess its time to end the letter. Its weird...I feel like if I end this letter, I end "talking" to you. But I have to believe you are always around. You probably already knew everything I just told you, didnt you? I do miss you so very much. I really hope you know that I am happy and have everything I have ever needed. I hope wherever you are, you have a smile on your face. I love you.

Love,
Jessie

Maddie loves rubbing her feet together. when I nurse her, she will also rub her feet on the chair over and over again. i think its so funny when shes lying down and her feet cross, like a little adult.

i also love changing her everyday. when she sees me get a shirt ready to be pulled over her head, she starts to giggle and close her eyes. shes so smart, she knows exactly what im going to do. i pull the shirt over her head and she laughs. its really cute. of course, ive been changing her a lot lately cuz shes been pooping up her shirt a lot! so gross.

oh and shes been doing this for the past few weeks - lifting herself from lying down to sitting by grabbing my thumbs and i pull her up but recently her head has been level with her body instead of hanging backwards as shes being pulled up.

also its hilarious when im lying next to her on the bed and shes sitting up on her boppy. im watching TV and all of a sudden I see a little hand in front of my eyes starting to touch my face. adorable!

i am having trouble finding things to occupy her. it seems what used to occupy her time she now finds boring or less interesting. she used to just lie on her playmat until her next nap. now, she start whining. i think shes bored. same with the exersaucer. she used to be able to sit there for 20 mins. now shes done after 10 max. hmmm, what more could i do with her besides take her for a walk. its getting very exhausting entertaining her everyday.

Anyway, its Friday! and we're going food shopping for Thanksgiving today. so i leave you with a friday funny. I could listen to her laugh all day long.

Time to Bitch!

What do you do when someone doesnt handle your child the way you'd like? It's a tough call, right?

So Maddie has been going through this stranger anxiety phase. From what I hear, its normal...at 4 months and then again around 7 months and can sometimes last till over a year. Anyway, she cries at first when she sees someone who is not me or Jae. After a while, she will be ok but she needs to just take it all in first.

There is one person who literally attacks me when she sees me with the baby. By this, I mean she will barely say hi to me or jae, and rips the baby out of my arms, runs to whoever else is in the house to show her off. She is fairly loud and crazy, but in a fun way. So obviously, the baby screams when this happens. I mean come on, the baby just got into a strange house and is feeling unfamiliar. to be ripped out of her moms arms and into a "strangers" where suddenly there is loud screaming, cooing, ahhing...that could be overwhelming for a 4month old.

How can i get them to just chill the fuck out? Can i enter the house, put my bag down, take my jacket off, take the babys jacket off and just settle in before you go goo goo gaa gaa?

Now, after all this...Jae or I or actually anyone calm, calms the baby down. She will stay in a strangers arms if tat person is just quietly walking around, patting her back or softly humming to her. She has no problems. But this one person im referring to...shes not like that. sO she will grab the baby out of the calm persons arms, and start going gaa gaa again like "OMG youre SO CUTE CUTE CUTE!! OMG OMG OMG!!!" and then proceed to sway with the baby roughly. MAddies face suddently turns scared and starts crying. This person just figures she needs to get used to it, so keeps doing it. Then she tries to hold Maddie down like a baby (cradling her in elbow position which Maddie has hated since birth)...and of course Maddie starts screaming and trying to do a push up to get out of the hold. The whole time im watching this, biting my tongue, dying to grab my baby into my safe arms.

I want to mention that 2 other "strangers" held maddie this night. both of them treated maddie with a quiet tone and just let her look around and take in the new environment. She had no problems with this. it was only when she was manhandled that she cried.

How do i get this person to back off...and not only back off, but take the time to learn what my baby likes. She is an experienced mother but not perfect. She does a lot of things wrong and has given me horrible advice. I once watched her feed Maddie a bottle. she was FORCE FEEDING maddie. i was horrified. She kept the bottle in her mouth...and when maddie started squirming (her cue that she needs a burp), this person just bounced maddie and kept pushing the nipple into her mouth, saying "shh shh shh" the whole time. it was only when maddie sarted crying and turning her head violently that she stopped and i told her she needed to be burped. maddie didnt finish the whole bottle but i knew she was full and was going to eat a few hours later for bedtime anyway...but jae walks into the room, looks at the bottle and goes "thats all she ate? she usually eats more". well cue this person to grab the bottle again and force feed maddie AGAIN. maddie is squirming and she is trying to keep the nipple into her mouth. I finally say " shes had enough, shes not hungry". she ignores me and keeps forcing maddie to eat. I was getting pissed. finally, maddie starts crying again and she stops.

WHAT THE FUCK?

this is why i dont want anyone else touching my baby but ME. this person has a few kids...but i do not appreciate the way she treats my kid. you'd think that you could trust someone with experience, right? but what ive found is that i cant trust no one. everyone raises their kids different (FYI her kids are FAT and i have no doubt this is bc she force feeds them) and experience or not, not everyone does things the same.

Let me expand on this... jaes sisters both tell me to put cetaphil on maddies face for her excema (her first few months of life). The doctor also told me, eucerin or cetaphil. I didnt have time to run out and get it...so my SIL told me she would bring me some. great.

the first night i use it, i notice it was kind of sticky and clear. I didnt remember cetaphil to look like that but the last time i had used it was when Lauren was a baby so i figured things had changed. Anyway, i wipe it on maddies face every night for like a month. One day, i decide to actually READ the freaking bottle and its facial cleanser. you know, like soap - the shit you wipe on and need to WASH OFF. so i was kicking myself for not noticing earlier but also wondering why the fuck his sister gave me this shit. I figured she bought the wrong bottle.

The next time i saw her, i was laughing about it and told her the story - totally thinking she bought the wrong bottle. she looks at me with serious face and says "yeah, thats the right stuff". im like "its facial cleanser"...shes like "youre supposed to put it on with a cotton ball, not your fingers". ok, i dont know what difference that makes but whatever. i know deep down, this shit is not the right thing for babys excema. jae ran out and bought the cetaphil lotion right away and that worked better.

Fast forward another month and jaes OTHER sister comments on how maddies skin got so much clearer. Jae chimes in and says "yeah, after we used the RIGHT stuff"...he proceeds to tell her the story and guess what she says? she says "yeah, thats the right one to use." refering to the facial cleanser. i couldnt believe these people. at least she said "yeah put it on with a cotton ball and wash it off".... the other one told me to use it like a lotion.

ok, i know im a first time mother but how does putting facial cleanser on make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? this just goes to show how info gets passed from person to person even if its wrong. Both of these mothers clearly shared info and it was clearly wrong but neither had the smarts enough to change it. Now, they try to pass it on to me. who knows how many other mothers are doing what they've suggested.

Anyway, we use the lotion and its much better for her skin. Friggin facial cleansER! I was wondering why it was so sticky and gel-like. I trusted her to know....and didnt bother to check the bottle. This is why i dont trust anyone anymore!

19 weeks

just about 19 weeks now.

we had a good day today. we took maddie to toys r us to buy a bday gift for cousin jake. she sat in the carseat like a good girl and then in the stroller all throughout the store. and then didnt cry on the way home. yay! well, i re-introduced the paci to her, so that kept her occupied during the whole time we were out. whatever works....

she is really getting so funny. her new thing is to take herself off my boob, throw her head back and look at the world upside down. its so cute, and i get to play with her cheeks while she does this.

i am having trouble finding things to occupy her time. play mat, exersaucer, jumparoo. all redundant day in and day out. i did take her for a walk today to the bank...but that got interrupted by a call from my boss.

which leads to why i hate working from home with a baby... here we are, a nice day outside. maddie is being good, and im walking home from the bank. my boss calls and says hes on the phone with a sales rep and do i have time for a conference call right now. i tell him i am just a block from my house...he says, ok call me back.

i literally run home with the stroller. get the baby out of the seat, drag the stroller into the house. run upstairs, take off my jacket and her jacket and hat and throw her on the playmat and hope shes ok. i call him back. he says "oh we just hung up...he going to call me back with some info and then ill call you".

shit! shes due for a nap in about 45 minutes. if he calls when i need to put her down, i dont know what im going to do. he calls back 20 minutes later. maddie is starting to get fussy. i first put her on the playmat, while on speakerphone. she starts to whine. i pick her up and put her in the exersaucer. still on the phone, trying to take notes.

she starts to whine. i pick her up and carry her in one arm, taking notes in the other. my boss wants me to look something up on the computer. fack! i am still carrying her, looking something up on the computer with one hand. my arms starts to get tried, so i put her back in the exersaucer...towards the stuff that doesnt make any sound or music.

she starts to whine. crap. i pick her back up and continue to bounce her while taking notes (horrible, messy ones now), while still trying to maintain a conversation. i can tell my boss is not happy. he keeps saying "right, jess?" and "well, jess would know the answer to that..." encouraging me to talk...

finally, i see maddie actually start to fall asleep. hallelujah! thank you for the best baby in the world. i dont need to go into her room and put her to sleep in the crib. but my arm is still hurting. she is a heavy baby to be holding with one arm for such a long time. the conference call ends....but my boss says "jess, i'll call you right back"

i continue to bounce her while he calls me back and bitches about nothing that has to do with the conference call. he goes on and on rambling....finally, he lets me go and i put the baby down in the crib. my arm was NUMB. well, 15 mins later, she woke up so i had to carry her for the rest of her nap anyway. but still...i dont like working from home with the baby. i feel awfully guilty for neglecting her...and i really want to give her 100%. but at the end of the day, i know i am incredibly lucky to both be earning income and to be home with my baby.

in any case, maddie was just so good today and i am so thankful for such a beautiful, sweet baby. tonight, before i put her down for bed, i told her i loved her so much...she was the best thing that ever happened to me...and that i hoped she would always be happy, healthy and safe. she was totally asleep but i hope someday she will hear and understand those words.

on a total sidenote, I gained weight! I am now 13 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. This bites. I really need to quit the take out and start cooking. Or exercising. Neither of them sound particularly interesting at this point in time. sigh.

I have a new plan. from now on, im going to try to do something productive whenever maddie naps. I'm tired of spending her naptimes eating and catching up on DVR and emailing and facebooking. I need to learn how to manage my time better.

So today, during her first nap, I cleaned up our bedroom. I dusted everything and just tidied everything up. ICleaned off all her toys. I also want to note that i vacuumed the entire upstairs while holding maddie when she was awake.

During her 2nd nap, I steam mopped the kitchen and family room and tidied up the kitchen. i also wiped down all her toys downstairs. I Want to try to do this everyday.

During her 3rd nap, I.... ummm... shopped online for her. Ok, not quite productive this naptime.

I am going to make a list of all the things i could be doing....I will spend half hour doing one of these things and the rest of her naptime doing something lazy like watching TV.

maddie is talking like crazy now!! she is a big chatterbox. talks to herself, to me or Jae...even talks when shes on the boob. its hilarious.

she also has stranger anxiety. i read that it hits babies at 4 months and maddie was right on track for this one. she cries when she sees someone other than me or jae =(

daylight savings hit us hard. it was my fault though. i gave her an extra nap for 2 days to see if i could extend her sleeptime. she woke up early both nights like 4:45 am. i nursed her at those times which probably started a bad habit. this morning she was up at 3:45 am. she goes back to sleep eventually, waking up at 6:30 (the old 7:30) so it hasnt been TOO bad. but i do want her to stop these night wakings. I have been giving in to her bc she has been sick last week and also daylight savings so i felt bad.

Her sleep has been weird...today she actually fell asleep on the playmat, by herself. The crinkly stuff kept her stirring though. She also had been taking 2 hour naps in my laps for 2 days in a row. And today, she went down for a nap at 3pm and slept for 5 minutes! so needless to say, since between 1:20 and 6:20, she slept for 5 minutes, she was cranky. at 5:30 i gave her a bath and tried to extend that and also the feeding time and she finally went down at 6:20. sigh. i still want to get her back to her old 7pm sleeptime. we shall see what happens this week.

in better news, her cold is finally better. she rarely has runny nose now and i only have to aspirate her maybe twice a day now.

maddie is talking like crazy now!! she is a big chatterbox. talks to herself, to me or Jae...even talks when shes on the boob. its hilarious.

she also has stranger anxiety. i read that it hits babies at 4 months and maddie was right on track for this one. she cries when she sees someone other than me or jae =(

daylight savings hit us hard. it was my fault though. i gave her an extra nap for 2 days to see if i could extend her sleeptime. she woke up early both nights like 4:45 am. i nursed her at those times which probably started a bad habit. this morning she was up at 3:45 am. she goes back to sleep eventually, waking up at 6:30 (the old 7:30) so it hasnt been TOO bad. but i do want her to stop these night wakings. I have been giving in to her bc she has been sick last week and also daylight savings so i felt bad.

Her sleep has been weird...today she actually fell asleep on the playmat, by herself. The crinkly stuff kept her stirring though. She also had been taking 2 hour naps in my laps for 2 days in a row. And today, she went down for a nap at 3pm and slept for 5 minutes! so needless to say, since between 1:20 and 6:20, she slept for 5 minutes, she was cranky. at 5:30 i gave her a bath and tried to extend that and also the feeding time and she finally went down at 6:20. sigh. i still want to get her back to her old 7pm sleeptime. we shall see what happens this week.

in better news, her cold is finally better. she rarely has runny nose now and i only have to aspirate her maybe twice a day now.

4 months

My Maddie moo is 4 months old. That sounds so old. Where did the time go? The past month has been the best so far. She started sleeping better and her personality really flourished.

She is drooling like nuts. We soak through 3-4 bibs a day. Laundry is ridic. Her hands are always in her mouth, sometimes both at the same time. She likes chomping on her fingers. She can pull things into her mouth as well so we have to be a bit more careful now.

Her eye hand coordination is getting better. I sat her up on our bathroom sink the other day and she swatted at the bottles and got them to fall over.

She got her first cold and fever on halloween. So sad. I first noticed her nose was wet, a lot of mucus. She would sneeze a lot and mucus would come out. She seemed fine though. Towards nightime, we noticed she was getting warm, took her temp and got a reading of 101. poor baby. Of course as the newbie parents, we called the ped twice and freaked out, constantly cuddling and hugging her and saying "oh my god, my poor baby is sick. get better maddie. please get better". LOL. so that same night, i am not feeling well either. Jae takes my temp and i have a fever of 100. sigh. that was rough. but the next morning both of our fevers broke and maddie's nose started to dry up. Bummed she missed her halloween but thankful she is healthy again.

I love love love her giggle and squeal. Its heart melting. She is so sweet.

4 month stats
15.5 lbs (87%)
26.25" tall (97%)
16" head (50%) - so did not inherit jaes big korean head....

We can start solids in a few weeks!

Text from my brother : "yesterday it was soooo nice out. i'd like to think that was moms doing =)"

so the one year anniversary of my moms death is nov 3rd. Maddie was born on the 3rd too....8 months later. coincidence?