Yesterday we had a cardiologist appointment and we got good news. Maddie's hole shrunk! She had an echo done and the hole is still there but its very small now. We have to go back in 4 months. Maddie started fussing during the echo even though baby einstein was playing so we gave her a bottle while the test was being done.

Today i also drove out with her for the first time. It was just to the supermarket but i wanted to document it anyway. She didnt cry...so thats good. I think if she were good in the car seat, i would have done this a lot sooner. But I dont know why she cant be one of those kids that just fall asleep anywhere....oh wells, cant have a perfect baby.

Just realized that next week will be my mom's 1 year passing. One year already? Hard to believe. Hard to swallow. I dont even know the exact date. I seemed to have blocked it out of my mind. If i had to guess, id say it was the 4th. I still can't watch a show with hospital scenes like House or Grey's Anatomy without getting flashbacks of that day. I can't listen to those heart monitors with the beeping without remembering what those monitors sound like once the heart stops.

I dread losing another family member. Its bound to happen some day. Maybe one year from now, maybe 10, 20 or 30 years from now. Either way it sucks. And because of this, I want to hold Maddie so close and tight. I want her to stay a baby forever. All innocent and pure. Not subjected to any harm. I get annoyed when we're out and she breathes in cigarette smoke or car fumes. I just want her the perfect little baby she is, with no poisons entering her body. I want her skin to stay milky white and smooth. I Want her smile to always be happy and unjaded. I want to keep her safe....I want to keep her in my arms. I can't let anything happen to her.

Today she started touching my shirt as she breastfed. She now runs her fingers along the fabric, feeling this new texture. She runs her fingers back and forth inside the creases my shirt makes. Sometimes she lifts the creases, or grabs my collar and pulls the shirt down. So darned cute. So curious, so innocent. Wish I could stop time and stand still for just a few minutes longer.