Dear Mom

Dear Mom:

I am 20 weeks today. Halfway there. My baby is the size of a banana.



But you're not here to see or know any of this. The other day as I was driving, I had a thought for the first time:

How am I going to do this without you?

I am trying to learn more about pregnancy, but as I do all I can find are articles of girls saying "thank God for my mom!" or "my mom really helped me through this all". I went to my dentists office and the receptionist just gave birth and was telling me how her mom stepped in and allowed her to get back to work and how her baby had to be hospitalized and thank God for her mom because she was able to be there for the baby when she couldn't.

So where does that leave me? Alone and missing you.

I live on with the stupid comments here and there... someone joking "i wish i was dead". or a conversation including "lots of people die in the hospital". i ignore these....but when it comes to your grandchild, it hurts. it hurts you wont be here to see he/she grow. my child will be missing a grandparent.... and its so hard bc i can't imagine life without my own grandparents. they were such an integral part of my childhood and continue to be in my adult life. my baby will miss this because i know you would have been the same for them.

But I did figure out something else your passing could teach me. I know what struggles you went through your last month on this earth. I was right by your side, sleeping next to you for weeks straight. I woke up in the middle of the night when you called me to help you. I fed you and cooked for you. It was hard for both of us because you had been a strong, independent, fierce, vibrant person. But there you were, lying in bed, more helpless than you have ever been. It was a change for both of us.

At times, I even thought to myself, why doesn't she just give up. At one point, i told myself that it's ok if you want to go. All I wanted for you was peace. The very sheer heavenly gift of peace.

But you were not one to give up. Throughout it all, you continued to write down notes, even in the middle of the night, of your symptoms and how you were feeling. We wrote down things we could do to help you. You continued to fight the fight. You told work you would be back to work in November, pending your condition. You never discussed a will, or what would happen because i truly believe you thought you would fight through it. You accepted all help possible, including agreeing to a home nurse, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. You wanted all the help you could get to get better.

The day you passed away, the day i knew something wasn't right, was the day you slept all day long. I am now not even sure if you were sleeping that whole time. Anytime I spoke to you, you responded. Your eyes were closed though. I knew it couldn't be good. At 4PM, I remember telling both Judy and Jae something was not right. I was so scared. No one was there but me and my grandparents so I knew i had to take charge. We rode the awful, bumpy ride to the hospital. I will never forget the face of the EMT who was so rough with you. He didnt' care about you....he just wanted to get his job over with. I wanted to scream at him, punch him in the face but I was too silent. We got to the ER and they already knew it was bad. They asked me "Does she want everything done to save her life?". I felt like I was 2 years old. Such a huge question for such a small person in this grand scheme called life. I was alone, no one to turn to for advice. It was me and you... so I asked you this question....

though you must have known you were headed downhill....you nodded your head yes with your eyes closed. I asked you this one more time to make sure you understood and you nodded again. I have to admit I was surprised.... I think my own answer would have been no. I couldn't bare to see you like this....it wasn't the mom i knew you to be. But shit, you freaking wanted it all done. You wanted to live and survive, no matter what condition you were in. 15 minutes later when i would ask you this question again, it would be too late and you would no longer respond to me. I grew up fast in that half hour time span.

Now that its been 3 months since, I think back and admire your courage. Your fight. Your will and determination. January was a bad month for Jae and me. It seemed money was pouring out our pockets this month. $600 oil bill, $1500 in general taxes, $1500 for jae's dads birthday. January is the worst month for the store and we broke even so we made no profit. The lease for the flushing store was delayed. and wah wah wah. Complain complain complain. The truth is, what am i complaining about? You lied there suffering for months without one complaint out of your mouth. And though you knew you were battling a fierce monster, you continued to push on. you didnt care what stood in your way....you wanted to win.

So, i guess my January wasn't so bad compared to your October. And if you could push on with your head held high, then so can I. Thank you mom, for continuing to teach me though you are no longer here. I will always remember that when times get tough, there is always fight left in me to push on. Thank you for showing me what I should be teaching others. There is always strength...and it's never over... not even after death.

Love,
Jessie