Dear Baby:

So, yesterday at exactly 19 weeks, I really felt you kick for the first time. Prior to this, they had just been bubbles and tiny pops. I had just eaten cheese doodles (baked, of course) and I was sitting there, with my hand over you. I felt 3 separate "bumps" inside my belly. On the 4th, my hand actually went up a bit! I called over your father and he put his hand on and he felt it too! He's never been able to feel anything from the outside before. He was super excited. OMG, talk about something becoming reality. It was amazing and fun and all I wanted to do was sit there and feel you all night long.

So many hopes and dreams for you. Life changed the day we were made aware of your presence. I want to give you all you ever wanted or hoped for. I want to make things easy for you and readily available. I want you to be an up standing citizen, a role model, someone our entire family is and will always be proud of. The pressure to help you along in life and make sure you are ok is almost too much to bare. I now have weight on my shoulders that I probably will never get rid of. My knees buckle in the breadth of this weight and yet I can still stare it in its face, ready to face the challenge. I will hold this weight for as long as I shall live.

I hope you have soul bearing eyes. I love eyes. I can't wait to look into them day and night and think about all the world has to offer you.

I hope you have your daddy's little dimple. No one really notices his, but sometimes when he smiles a certain way, there it is. It's really cute. I think his big old korean face hides the dimple most of the time but maybe you will have one too that everyone can see and coo at.

I hope you have daddy's brain. He's smart. But we can do without the obnoxiousness of knowing so.

I hope you are considerate and appreciative. Generous and loving. I hope you will learn to love vegetables and fruits. I hope you will have straight hair because I don't want you to have to go through what I went through.

I hope you will grow to have a loving family.

I hope you will make this world a better place.

Everyday I try to sing or hum to you. I know you can hear me, and I know you know my voice. And by the time you come out into this world, you will be comforted by the very same voice. You poor thing, since I can't sing a note to save my life. Oh yes, and I hope you can sing too! It's terrible going through this world constantly singing off-key.

I am thinking about you all the time, wondering what you're doing. How are you breathing (as daddy says "you're a fish!"? Are you swimming? Are you getting tangled in the umbilical cord? Is that you, or is that gas?

Daddy kisses you every night and rubs you to let you know he is there. He says hi and good night to you. He falls asleep touching you. You can tell hes so excited, he can almost giggle like a school girl now. He's already so proud of you.

My most favorite times are the times when daddy plays piano and you and me just lie there in the formal living room. who knew this room would ever get used. but its become one of my favorite rooms. the sun shines in so bright mid afternoon. daddy plays, and i read while you bubble away in there, clearly stimulated by the music. right above the piano is the collage i made of your grandma. i like when all 4 of us are together.

As you can see, we are so excited to meet you, some days I can hardly contain myself. It is truly amazing how you became to be from a bunch of cells. The miracle of life. I can't even understand it all myself. All I know is, its exciting and refreshing, challenging and risky. I love all of it. and I love you.

Tonight your daddy and I are going out to celebrate Valentines Day and I'm sure you will be the topic of our conversation yet again. Slowly, you are becoming our entire world.

Love,
your mommy

P.S. one more hope....i hope you look like my mom, your grandma.