26 weeks

This week my babys the size of:



an english cucumber!

My baby can hear noises other than me! she is learning how to blink.

I passed my glucose test! woo hoo. thank goodness because i dont think i could give up my sweets!

I went to see the doctor again today. I guess my throat infection didnt completely clear up, so he told me to take the antibiotics for another 5 days. boo. i hate taking medicine. I can also take robitussin for my cough.

neither him nor the OB seemed concerned about the baby so i guess i will stop being concerned as well. last night i just busted out crying because i was feeling so under the weather. i have never been sick this long in my entire life. plus i was feeling so incredibly guilty for anything i was doing to the baby. i was coughing pretty hard and blowing my nose hard and im just scared this is damaging her in some way. but im over it and i am going to do whatever it takes to recover!

99 days left!

stages of being sick while pregnant

i feel like shit. i think i jinxed myself too. this whole time, i have been almost cocky about not getting sick. i beat flu season. i beat 3 weeks of being in a hospital for 3 weeks straight while tending to my mom. i beat 4 days of being in a hospital while tending to my grandfather. i went through one of the most traumatic and stressful times in my life. and never got sick.

until now.

last monday - started feeling itchy throat around lunchtime. i know this feeling all too well. i have a throat infection about 3 times a year so i am familiar.

tuesday - wake up and still have sore throat so i skip work and go to the doc where he indeed tells me i have a throat infection. i am prescribed amoxicillin for 5 days, 3 times a day. I take 2 pills this day.

wednesday - i have a OB appointment. feeling really shitty today...but i have to sit through a glucose test. i get my OB to ok the amoxicillin, just to be safe. i go into the office for a bit but leave early. I nap.

thursday - sore throat is sort of gone but now i have a cough! a nasty one. i feel bad for the baby. i go into work but also leave early. i nap again.

friday - cough is in full force. i am on day 4 or 5 of my meds but still not feeling 100%. i go home but cannot nap. i guess i am somewhat feeling better.

saturday - cough is dry....i stay home and all i want to do is sit on the sofa and do nothing. i force myself to move around and get some errands done. i nap at around 7 and wake up around 9. all goes to hell here bc i am hacking and coughing and feeling really shitty and groggy.

jae is helping with whatever he can and thats when i discover steam. dont know why i didnt think of it before. i boil hot water and just let myself breathe in the steam. 10 minutes later, my phlegm loosens and i cough up a big lungee which is yellow (prior, the phlegm had been white). relief. i do 2 cups of these and finally fall back asleep around 1:30 AM.

sunday - feeling somewhat better. i can even go out. having dinner at grandmas but around 6ish i start to feel really tired and sluggish, and i feel sick again. i feel like i need sleep. we get home and i instantly go to bed. i try to steam throughout the day.

monday - back to work. i steam in the morning and cough up another yellow lungee. i am not sure if seeing yellow now is good or bad. but i feel somewhat better. only now, the cough is subsiding but i have a runny nose.

thats my past 7 days. sucks doesnt it? i didnt nearly half of the things i needed to do done. but i need rest and my body is telling me to chill. i hope this is the end bc i really cant take it anymore. being sick while pregnant sucks. i have never ever been sick for this long a time before. usually after one day of meds, i am back to 100%. being sick for a week or more is really tiring and draining for me.

A father's role.

As much of control freak as I am, I don't want to hold 100% of the responsiblity of raising this baby. I want Jae to be as involved as much as possible. I feel like I can trust him but i can tell he doesn't trust himself.

I don't want the baby to be attached to me... I want her to be able to go to Jae as well for anything. I want Jae to be there after work and be able to give her a bottle so im not the only one feeding her. I realize this will be tough on him... but I really want him to try.

My goal is to have him with the baby at least 2 days of the week. alone. I know he can handle it and I actually think he will do a great job. I have faith in him. The first time I brought this up to him, he didnt say anything...and I could tell he was both surprised and nervous. I brought it up once more and he seemed more receptive. I know he can do it. and I think it would be great for both him and the baby.

I am surprised I am able to let go of this control, especially with something as major as my child. I always imagined myself doing everything, because I know I can do it better. But I think ultimately I think what drives me is the benefit a father and child can have from being more involved. Plus it'll give me a break when I have a partner to work with me and hand the baby off to, and the baby is willingly able to to go that other partner. I have learned i am not superwoman, and I need breaks too even if i dont realize it at the time.

He made 50% of this baby and he should take 50% responsibility. Some argue that earning that paycheck is a big enough job. To me, there is no job bigger than becoming a parent. I dont care what it takes or what sacrifices you need to make, time is something you cannot get back and it is up to each of us to put in our time now. Of course I expect to give him free time off, and I expect free time off as well. But I fully expect jae to be completely involved and i actually think he wants to as well, but just is not sure what to do. I hope we can work through this together and ultimately I believe this is what will make us a happy family.

Though my one big fear is how our relationship will change once the baby is here. I have heard marriage changes, and not always for the better. Am i scared about this? yes. the baby thus far has brought us closer together. probably the best we've even been. but will that change once the baby comes? we will have to stay conscious about this to make sure it doesnt!

25 weeks

today my baby is the size of



a rutabega! whatever that is.

i know i have been bad with the updates... i havent been feeling my best. but i promise i will update more soon bc i have lots of them!

For now, i am at 25 weeks. I start my drs appts every 3 weeks now instead of every 4. yikes! that just means im getting closer to the due date.

my doctor is upset with me bc i gained 10 lbs in the last 4 weeks. =( the nurse said maybe the baby had a growth spurt. my total weight gain has been 23 lbs.

i currently have a throat infection and feeling under the weather. it sux.

my wrists and ankles have begun to swell, and my rings are super tight now. i thought i could last longer than 25 weeks but maybe not.

i am starting to get more tired... and feeling like more naps. i havent napped since the middle of the first trimester, so for me, this feels like a step backwards.

last week i was crampy and uncomfortable... but luckily that has sort of gone away.

i just feel like sleeping and resting all the time. what happened to all my energy? i was doing so good too. oh wells.

maybe next week will be better.

im getting so fat, im leaving imprints in the sofa (this is where i put on my shoes everyday, since i cant bend over anymore)


boo!

this past weekend was fun. friday night we went to ikea to shop around. i didnt plan to buy anything but mr. dad did! so we bought a dresser. we ended up having dinner at chilis afterwards.

saturday i spent the morning and afternoon with my SIL And the nephews at their tae kwon do tournament in queens college. it was fun!

its like karate kid!


both boys were competing at the same time in different areas. we could only really see philip.

his form test


breaking 3 boards


silver medal baby!


i walked over to where Ryan was competing. I couldnt see him at all during the competition but he found me in the crowd and showed me his boards that he broke


i didnt notice at first, until he was done... but he ended up winning 2 gold medals! me and my SIL were so excited! haha.

he was pretty proud himself


the boys with their medals


they arent even my kids and i was so proud of them! it was nervewracking watching them!

we left the tournament and met up with the other SIL in flushing for lunch. we visited jae's store and then headed back to LI.

while i was at the SIL's house, jae went home and started the nursery



i love it.

i went home a bit to rest...but later on the in afternooon, since we were cleaning out the nursery, we had to get rid of the old ikea dressers we had in the co-op. so my SIL took them. we delivered them to her house and had dinner there.

Sunday - jae assembled a dresser we bought for the baby. he did his household things while i took an hour long walk with my aunt in the park. that was fun and it was a beautiful day! i came home and took a nap. at about 4, we left the house. jae went to get a haircut and i went shopping at michaels. then it was back to grandmas for dinnertime!

all in all, a good weekend! too bad the rain has come in. boo!

I love Dr. Seuss.

Growing up, i had a ton of books. Massive. my mom was cool like that. But my favorites were always the Shel Silversteins and the Dr. Seuss books.

For my moms funeral, my brother and I each put something of importance in her casket to be buried with. My choice was obvious. I gave her my copy of Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places we will go". I wrote a little letter on the inside. A lot of people saw it at the funeral and laughed and thought it was a great idea. You just had to know my mom.

I gave her this particular book for many reasons. It reminds me of my childhood. One that she was a huge part of. She was an educator and books were her thing. No matter what, she never denied me a book. She also always told us, we could do whatever we wanted in life. She knew all the places me and my brother could possibly go...and it's that faith that she had in me that gave me my own faith to believe in myself.

You might also remember that in Jae's wedding band, I also inscribed "Oh the places we will go..." inspired from this very book. I wanted Jae to know we had places to go together, too. and the limits were endless. I wanted him to have the faith in us that I did. The same faith my mom gave me.

I MISS HER SO MUCH.

I had given her my only copy, but when I was cleaning through her stuff in the basement, I found another copy. I clearly gave this to the baby. A baby I will also pass this faith onto. See, my mom had a lot of faith. in everything and everyone...so i have a lot of share.

A few weeks ago, I found a great deal on some Dr. Seuss books, so I picked up a few. Coincidentally, weeks before that, I found a good deal on some Dr. Seuss bedding which i also picked up (just the sheet).






I think of Dr. Seuss, and I think of my mom and my childhood. What a great mom and I Can only hope to be just a part of what she was to my own child.

I ask for the strength to pull through this without her, and to raise my child the way she would have wanted me too. I don't want to fail at this. I wish she was here to guide me, but I can only go on the faith she gave me. She said I could do everything I wanted to do. My daughter, the one who will bare her name, is my first true test.