"I can't believe you want to have more"

This is what i said to J as i walked out of our bedroom to go get my screaming teething baby. I have said something along these lines to J so many times now, I think he might actually start thinking I'm serious. And I am. sort of.

It's been something thats been on my mind a while now. Can I do this all over again? I just cant imagine doing what im doing now, a few years older, with a toddler. It really turns me off.

My daughter is my world right now. and for right now, thats enough for me. I feel fulfilled and complete. I love her and she oozes every part of me. My whole life revolves around her and I really can't imagine giving so much of me to another baby.

People often say they want one of each. Why? To be able to say they have it "all"? What is the difference between having a boy or a girl? They are both babies. Would it really make a difference if I had 2 girls, or a girl and a boy? I dont know...

GRowing up in my family, having a boy wasn't as big of a thing as in other families. In fact, in my family, the girls have always been the special ones. They are the responsible ones, the ones everyone turns to for help, the one who coordinates and plans family events, the one who thinks of the christmas and bday gifts, etc. They are always the reliable one. The men are sort of more laid back, spoiled and dont do as much, and definitely dont think ahead. As my grandma would say in chinese, they lay there like a "piece of rice".

no matter what they did, my grandpa always prasied the girls in the family. For my mom, who made more than my dad, he always praised her hard work, work ethic, and large success within the school system. For my aunt, who was a stay at home mom and still is even though her kids are my age, he praised her for raising 3 children on her own.

At a family gathering, someone was saying how maybe the next one will be a boy for me...and my uncle said "these days, thats not important anymore. no one HAS to have a boy anymore. thats so old fashioned".

So back to my original point... do i really need a 2nd?

Maddie has enough cousins to keep her busy, right? I dont think she NEEDS a sibling. I have friends who are only children and they are fine lol.

Now, in my family I Was always the one who loved kids. I swear they all said I Was going to have 4. I always WANTED 4. until i had 1. lol. I was the one the kids swarmed too. Even in jaes family, i sit down on the sofa and i have all 5 kids surrounding me. i cant even see the other people in the room. Thats how its been my whole life. I love kids. But its work. And since having MAddie I know that having 4 is completely out of the question. No way, no how. for sure. 3 is a bigggg stretch.

I always wanted a big family. I came from one and i loved it and that would be my main reason for having more children. So when they grow up, their children can have cousins. So when its holiday time, they can fill a table of 10 with ease. It's all fine and dandy when i think long term.

But if i think in the here and now, I really dont know..... the easy days i say i want more. the hard days i say no way hahah. I also think im a better toddler parent than a newborn parent. the newborn stage is just "eh" for me. i could take it or leave it. so maybe when maddie gets bigger, i will forget about these hard times and say lets have more! And then just go through the baby stage all over again and say "omg i cant believe i have to go through this again" when its time. hehe. i think thats what will probably happen.

Of course so many factors could happen between now and then. I could not be working anyore which would take a huge load off my shoulders. The store could take off, or fail, who knows. MAddie could be such high maintenance, i wont want anymore. I dont know....and whos to know what happens in the future or how I feel. and I dont think anyone can say for sure until thought becomes reality. but for right now, im happy with our family of 3.