My Child, My Rules

I believe this is one of the toughest challenges i will face as a mother. The fact that people love to comment or judge how other people parent. Because, of course, YOU know all the answers and everything YOU did was the right way.

The worst part is, I KNOW about 95% of this will come from Jae's side of the family. The worst part is, they mean no harm. But I don't agree with their parenting at all. In fact, I would do things very differently. But I never say anything. It's their kids and their business. But I know it won't be that way for me because they love to put their 2 cents in.

For example, one sister forbids the child to put anything in their mouth other than food. Thumb sucking, finger sucking, all forbidden. Forbidden as in, she'll slap her hand away and scream for her to stop. She thinks this is dirty and doesn't want the baby to have this habit. I, on the other hand, don't mind thumb sucking at all. In fact, I believe children need to learn how to self soothe and these are the very skills they will need as an adult. I believe children who can self soothe are much more independent and better sleepers as adults than children who cannot. And guess what? her kids don't sleep. and guess what? i was a thumb sucker and i have never had a bout of insomnia or any sleeping problems. My head hits the pillow and I am out for the entire night.

Of course, she is allowed to do what she wants with her child. But will the same respect be given to me? When my kid starts sucking on his sleeve, arm, or thumb, i KNOW they will say something. So what should my response be?

I have tons of other examples...but the bottom line is, my child will be raised much differently from all the nephews and nieces. I dont know how I will be able to combat all the unnecessary commentary.

During the pregnancy, one SIL again brings up the baby name thing. We discuss names and I finally say to her "Jae likes Madelyn" which is the name we pretty much have decided on. She says "tell him to pick another name". I know shes not a mean person but how can someone say such hurtful things and not even realize. I find this character flaw in a lot of Korean people... no offense, but they are painfully blunt and have little tact. I just didnt say anything. But what I wanted to say was "i think its our kid and we can choose whatever name we want. if you dont have anything nice to say about it, then dont say anything at all. its not like i go and tell you that i hate the name Julia. because i do. it reminds me of an old lady and the minute you told me her name when you were 7 months pregnant i cringed at the thought of it...and now that she is over 1 years old, i still hate it". but the truth is, its your kid and your right to name her whatever hideous name you want. dont i get the same right? does everything have to have a commentary?

I am a firm believer in time out. I have never seen any of the kids in time out. I am sure I will get weird looks when I implement this.

I can spot a spoiled child right away and there is one who is extremely spoiled, demanding and completely irrational. I know EXACTLY why they are so...it is because of the parents. They completely allow it. Thank God Jae and I agree on parenting about 95% of the time. He doesn't let the kids get away with anything....and HE ends up getting yelled at by his sister. So there I can see what the source of the problem is.

while i was pregnant, we were discussing how big the baby was getting. MIL tells me "6 lbs is good. 8 lbs too big" referring to my baby. again, annoying...i cannot control the weight of my baby. my SIL gained 80 lbs during pregnancy and had a 6 lb 4 oz kid. clearly the weight of the baby is whatever it will be. I can't control it to much extent. first off, the national average of a baby being born is now 7.5 lbs. a baby 6 lbs or 6.5 lbs is considered "small" as they are only in the 35-45% percentile. a baby under 5 lbs 8 oz is considered underweight. so i am not THAT far off. secondly, my family is in favor of bigger babies. this means easier time taking care of them after birth, good head and neck control and this represents the baby being healthy. What a contradiction from 2 different families.

Thankfully, my family is very open minded for an asian family. Whatever someone chooses to do with their life, or child is their business. Perhaps there could be some back talk behind their back but never to their face. My family, especially the cousins, are all very supportive of each other and accept that people will do things differently. As long as the child is happy and healthy, we dont care. Everyone does their own thing without fear of ridicule or judgement and I love my family for that. I was born into this, so i know nothing else. Jae's family is a bit different and sometimes I dont know how to work around the criticism. "Buy baby detergent. its called Dreft". Dreft is not the only baby detergent out there and actually Dreft has perfumes in it which I dont want. Its also expensive. So when they see my detergent im sure I will get a look one way or another. I usually just ignore it or try to divert the subject away... but its such a chore to do so. why cant i just have what i have and do what i want without someone saying something?

Now that the baby is here...my MIL has gotten more annoying. First off whenever she sees the baby, she literally pulls the baby from my arms. No "can i hold her?". No "let me take her so you can rest". without words, as if shes entitled, she will take the baby. i understand youre excited...but seriously. Then one day she comes over and the baby is in a brown onesie and the MIL says "baby should wear white". i was like "huh?". she repeated herself "baby wear white" and proceeded to put a white burp cloth over the baby and say again "baby wear white". WTF...my baby can wear whatever color i put her in. is there a rule?

i walk into the room holding the baby over my shoulder. she grabs her from me and says "carry like this (cradled in arms), never like this (over the shoulder)". ummm, no, my baby LOVES to be held over the shoulder. dont tell me how to hold my baby. again, is there a rule?

the worst - she says "you have another baby"....im like "huh?" and the sister proceeds to translate "she wants to know why your stomach is still so big". hello, i was home 3 days out of the hospital. people dont lose their pooch till 6 months sometimes! i was so annoyed....i had gone through, what i feel, was a pretty rough labor...and this woman is making comments about my body?

she also told me to wear socks. in my house. like wtf...why do you care. and then she told me to eat miyuk gook 5 times a day. she made me a big pot. umm yeah, i had like 2 bowls and ended up throwing the rest out. she tells me it helps to make milk. aint nothing help to make milk but the baby sucking on it.

so i should end this post by saying, i do like my MIL and overall she is a nice person. but when it comes to this baby, apparently she is the boss. i wonder if she is pissed since i never asked her to sleep over and help...or if i never went to the bronx to sleep over after birth which is what she wanted me to do. who knows. anyway, iam going to see her for Maddies one month party and i almost dont even want to sit with her for fear of what she will do, or how much she will hog the baby.