I really need to start blogging more....I have not been writing down any of Maddie's milestones and this is not good!

almost 5 weeks and she has discovered her tongue. all she does is stick it out and play with it. she also has not yet learned how to swallow...she will keep milk or saliva in her mouth and doesnt yet know to swallow it. she can see now and can follow objects with her eyes. She recognizes me and jaes voice and face and will smile when she hears it. she got her first big girl bath a few days ago.

the labor story:

so i left off where my mucus plug fell out....at about 10PM that night, i started feeling some contractions. I started to time them and they were about 6 or 7 minutes apart. I am up all night at this point and by 5 am, they are 5 minutes apart and i call the doctor who tells me to go to the hospital.

By the time we get to the hospital, they are hurting and i am having to stop everytime i walk. We get to the hospital and they check me and again tell me to go and walk for an hour and come back.

sO jae and i head to the parking garage where i walk pacing around our car for one hour. like clockwork, my contractions are every 5 minutes. thank God for Jae. he was really a good support system. IT felt best when i leaned up into him during the contractions. He would time them and let me know when they were going to subside. This happened for about an hour and by the end of it, i was contracting every 4 minutes.

Contractions do feel like menstrual cramps but 100 times worse. You cannot move and all you want to do is squeeze your eyes shut and hold your breath till its over. it does help to breathe through them though.

At 6:50 in the hospital, I was checked agin and I was 3 cm now and 80% effaced at -2 station. Still not enough to admit me quite yet and plus they said i was contracting irregularly. there were some talks about me going home again and I was not happy about that.

they leave me for a bit to see what will happen and at 9 am, i was still 3 cm but 90% effaced and -1 station.

at 10:05, I was 4 cm and 90% effaced and they finally agree to admit me.

Hallelujah!

At 11:30 i was put into my delivery room. This was it. I was having a baby today! The contrations continued. they were painful but manageable and there were talks about an epidural. I held off twice for it, bc i was ok. but after a bit, i thought about it and figured i hadnt slept in 2 days...i would have no energy to push so i agreed to get the epidural. i had been in labor and contracting for 12 hours now and i thought i could use a break,

at 12 noon the anaesthesiologist came in....i got prepped for the epi and HOLY SHIT it hurt. it hurt worse than the contractions. in fact, i almost cried. tears welled to my eyes. when i finally looked up jae was there looking concerned. omg, no one told me it could hurt that bad. my legs went numb and i finally laid back to rest.

at 1 pm, the doctor broke my water and i was 4-5 cm at this point. the epi kicked in and i was feeling good...

at 1:15 i was given pitocin to move things along. I planned to sleep now but at 2 pm, i was feeling intense pressure down there. I asked for more epi which they administered. I was confused as to why it had worn off only after 2 hours.

during the next 2 hours, i continued to feel slight pressure in my rectum. it felt like i had to poop....at 4 pm, it was getting intense and i needed more meds. they came to top me off. at this point i was still 90% effaced but at 0 station. The pain was getting intense and I asked why the epi wasnt working. come to realize, that epidurals only take away contraction pain, not the pressure. so basically, i had to muster through it. i had no slept a wink at this point and was feeling extremely uncomfortable. with each contraction, the pressure was so severe, i was grabbing onto the bed rails and just wishing it was over with.

at 5:15 pm, i was at 7 cm now and 0 station and i thought i was making progress but heres where it ends bc i stayed 7 cm and stopped dialating.

Again, i was still in pain, with no relief from the epidural. So this was extremely tiring and i was wearing thin.

at 7:00 i got more epidural and the doctor said i should think about the csection. she said she knew i wanted a natual birth so she let me go another hour....she also said the baby was probably face up and that was why i was having the pressure. this would also complicate natural labor...

i spent the next hour hoping i would keep progressing but at 7:40, I was still 7 cm. As she wsa checking me, i felt a huge gush come and cover my thighs. The doctor then told the nurse she saw meconium and lots of it and that it was dark. Dammit...i knew right then, c section was a must. The doctor did confirm i would need to get the baby out now...

Instantly, jae had scrubs on and i was being wheeled to the OR. It felt like 5 minutes and everything had changed.

On the table, they gave me the epidural and i started shaking uncontrollably (normal). It was very uncomfortable though. my teeth were chattering and my arms were vilently shaking. I couldnt wait for the procedure to be over with. I was also dying of thirst.

I was also very out of it, so i think i was zoning in and out. Finally, at 9PM, i heard the doctor say "whoah! its a 2 year old!" and then a baby cry. I looked at jae and i remember saying "oh my god". the cry was unbelieveable. one of the best sounds ever.

we got to see a quick peek at her and i remember saying to jae "oh, shes cute". after that is a blur. i think i fell asleep. I awoke when they said they were taking the baby to get weighed. everyone was anxious to see how much she weighed since she was so big. the nurse came back and said 8 lbs 12 oz and they let jae hold her. after that, another blur...i passed out.

I was wheeled to recovery....the hospital was so packed this day....i think they said there were like 65 births that day! so i was put into a corner of the room. i didnt even have a nurse button or anything. i fi needed the nurse, i needed to shout. it sucked. i slept a bit and my legs were still numb and i was SO thrsty but they wouldnt let me drink anything for an hour.

a few hours passed and i still hadnt seen or held Maddie yet. the nurse said we would see her at 1am when she needed to eat.

I slept and poor jae was stuck standing. Finally, he was able to grab a hard chair which became his bed over night.

At 12AM, they finally brought her to me. They basically handed her to me and walked off. I was like "wtf am i supposed to do". i asked a nurse to show me bow to breastfeed which she did very quickly. I remember being scared to hold the baby. It was MY baby and i was holding her for the first time. she only had a diaper on and i remember htinking how soft her skin was. She took to the breast immediately and latched on quickly.

That night I slept on and off and it was torturous for jae. he slept in the chair and was so uncomfortable. i didnt get a room until the next day around 4 pm.

once we got to the room, it was much better and i felt more comfortable. But eventually we got neighbors we didnt like so we splurged for a private room which was AWESOME. at 550 a night, we made sure to get proper use out of it.

The csection recovery was AWFUL. I hated it. I couldnt even reach over to hold my own baby. Getting out of bed was hard and the amount of blood i had coming out of me was disgusting.

A few days went by and after being weighed twice, it turns out Maddie lost way too much weight. She went down to 7 lbs 12 oz, I guess i was breastfeeding wrong or my milk hadnt come in yet so she was put on a weight gain program. I was pumping, feeding and giving formula.

By the time we left the hospital, Maddie was 8 lbs 4 oz. 3 days later she was 8 lbs 14 oz, surpassing her birth weight. Babies dont usually get to their birth weight until 2 weeks after their birth so MAddie was doing well!

4 or 5 days later, i was on my way home with a new baby! I cant believe they let me leave with this baby. I felt completely unprepared and didnt even know what to do. As soon as we got home, i had to feed her. By this time, my nipples were broken. I was in so much pain but i mustered through it. I was so tired and that night, i felt very overwhelmed with a new baby in the house.

I was sleeping when jaes sister came over. she bathed Maddie for us and made me food which helped.

The 2nd day maddie was home was better. We woke up as a family, made breakfast and finally could embrace the joy of having this little one in our house. She was good then, and let us put her down anywhere. bouncer, sofa, whatever. she was very alert, and awake but also slept a whole lot.

4 weeks later and she has completely changed! everyday is new and different and i never know what to expect. it is hard being such a control freak. i am used to consistency and schedules...so this has thrown me for a loop. but i am learning. ive had my breakdowns and crying sessions....but everyday i know its all worth it when i see the smile on my daughters face.