Hadn't planned on telling anyone about us trying...but today, my friend Susan emailed me...and at first, I asked her to give me advice on conceiving. and eventually i told her my last 2 months had failed. I felt better after talking to her, and she certainly did lift my spirits. Getting my period had never been so disappointing. It evoked emotions in me I didnt know I had. Telling Jae doesnt quite help either, since I dont believe he can understand what my body and mind are truly feeling. Words cant describe it. But Susan knew. She herself had done IUI...and now has 2 of most gorgeous kids. Their family and marriage is one I always admired. I trust Susan and I know her words will carry me through this. Thank you Susan. I owe you one.

BFN #2

Well, I took the test. I didnt get the result I was looking for.

A few hours later, AF came.

Sigh. another disappointment. onto the next month....

back to new york. came home, went to pee and saw some blood. light blood though...spotting? could be onset of period? i have no idea. i guess i will find out later tonight or tomorrow. no, actually, i will take a test later when i have to pee again.

In Minneapolis on a business trip. Last night I had a glass of wine. Just one... but it was sort of a big one. On one side I couldn't help but to feel guilty. On the other, I have no reason to believe I am pregnant. So I drank it. They say to just live your normal life until your period is supposed to come...for me, thats this week.

Getting nervous now. What if AF comes? another disappointment. Nothing new has changed with my body...I don't feel pregnant... but one thing did happen that was sort of odd. I have no idea if this has anything to do with it but figured i'd just chart it here. I went #2 yesterday morning 5:30 AM before heading to airport. I went again last night after I got back to hotel room after dinner. then again this morning on an empty stomach. I go once a day and thats it. This is weird for me...or I could have just ate weird Minneapolis food. Who knows. what a mind trip. Oh, I also had a dry throat when waking up and starting coughing a bit and had a bad gag reflex. eek!

Last night I had a dream. I never remember my dreams but I remember this one. I had a house. I dont think the inside was all that but the backyard was to die for. It was above the whole world. Rasied up and and below and beyond were mountains and just a killer landscape. To the left of me were some taller modern looking structures, I dont know what they were, but through the hole of one, I could see the reddest, more orange sun. It was setting. I turned my back to the patio table to grab my camera and when I was ready to take a photo, the sky had turned dark. The sun set, just like that.

I've been having very mild cramping all week. They say these could be implantation pains!!! I hope so!!! They feel like ovulation pains, but they last for a longer time. If I wasn't aware of getting pregnant, I would probably just go about my day like normal without even noticing them.

yesterday was an interesting day. i felt sick on the LIRR. i was looking out the window and suddenly felt very dizzy... had to close my eyes. got home and felt "off" all night. hmmmm...

now for those of you looking to get pregnant one day, once you start trying, you will think every feeling in your body is related to you being pregnant. its all in the mind though, so i dont wanna jinx myself this time.

the waiting game. cannot test till DPO 10. Its only DPO 7. should i just test for the fun of it? no, why torture myself with possible false negatives.

lately the whole baby thing makes my heart ache. im so ready. i know im ready because i ache for one. i never ached for something so hard that it hurt, but it does. i look around...and i feel envy. envy for all of those who have a child. i am rarely envious of anything!! my heart drops....i think "i want THAT!". i feel selfish.... but i know i was ready at age 10. not THIS ready, but ready. the day i held little Lauren in my arms and I knew someday I wanted to hold my own. It's 22 years later....and I'm still waiting. Only now, the waiting is at a level 10.

Even though I knew I always wanted kids, there was always something that never allowed it to happen. It was the break up, it was the waiting to get married, it was the buying of a new house, it was the theft of the store, it was the opening of the new store.... and finally a window opened up. a window of clarity....i think now is the time. and for the one time when things around me stopped moving, it becomes clear to me that it is time to grab hold of my life long dream. the one thing i always knew would complete me.... the one thing i KNOW i was meant to do.

got a happy face last night. i was surprised since it was my day 12. it was my first time using the OPK as well....

BFN

Big Fat Negative.

Got my period Sept 3rd...and knew it wasn't true. Disappointment all around, but bounced back after a few hours.

Time to try again. Decided to go with an ovulation test this time around. Maybe more accurate than my estimates. Let's see!