im not sure why ive been thinking so much about my mom lately. perhaps its because, per my recent post, i dont really internalize my feelings. i sort of let them pass so i dont have to think about them. but more likely than not, its probably bc a lot of things are happening now. MAddie is here. She is a beautiful child and everyone who sees her cant help but to smile. My brother is getting married and wedding plans are in place. Life is going on in big ways. and it's going on without her. and because of that, you feel like you are moving on...without her.

Tonight while nursing Maddie to sleep, I thought about my mom. I thought about my letter to her, where I say I am 32 years old but still there is nothing like the comfort of your mother. I am a mother now. Maddie finds comfort in ME. I can only hope I show her the amount of love and care my mother gave to me.

I held Maddie a little bit tighter tonight. I Stroked her hair while she ate, combing over the innocence. I kissed her when I picked her up to burp her and breathed in the scent of her newly washed hair. I nuzzled my face in the back of her neck and let the tears drop onto her onesie.

32 years ago, I was Maddie. A child born into this world, knowing nothing but my mother. 32 years ago, my mother was me. Except she did everything I did 100 times better. and she offered 100 times more love and affection.

How dare I ever show signs of frustration towards my daughter. My daughter born into this big world only 2 months ago. My mother would have never done such a thing. She had patience...something I wish I had inherited.

What a shame Maddie will never get the advantage of experiencing my mothers knowledge, love and soul.

What a fucking shame.