last night maddie slept from 7-2 and then again from 2:30 to 7:20. she fussed from 4:30 and on but she didnt cry and we didnt have to go in to soothe her. good girl!

so im back at work. this past weekend, i spent cleaning up the office. i really havent stepped foot in there for about 6 months. only to drop off mail and such. i cleaned it up and then proceeded to clean out the closet. that was fun (oh, the little things).

I cleaned up my crafts. Couldn't find a box big enough, so used an old Gucci box and an old ikea box. fun crafty things in one box (crayons, markers, marbles, etc) and tools in another (sticker machine, paper cutter etC).


separated little things into containers. from left to right. adhesives, cards and paper, scrapbooking stuff and stamps.


one of my favorite things, my wrapping paper collection!


found a new box for all my ribbons. and put together all my cellophane paper, gift boxes, and tissue paper.


After all this, I ahd to unpack all the boxes sent to my house. Denise packed up my office space for me. What a mess. I had binders and fabrics up the wazoo so we had to buy 2 new bookshelves to hold it all. I finally finished unpacking this morning.

cant believe maternity leave is over already. 3 months seemed like it flew by! and it sucks being back, even though I work from home. Just talking to my boss annoys me.

Wow, it worked! sleep training worked! well, its only day 2 so anything can happen BUT Maddie just put herself to sleep with no crying! I put her down and 12 minutes later, she was asleep! Woo hoo!! My baby is on her way to good sleep habits and jae and i are on our way to getting our life back. hallelujah!

*hope i didnt jinx anything here*

Oh and at the last drs appt, they think the hole in her heart closed on its own! woo hoo! will confirm with cardio in october.

Todays well visit weighed Maddie in at 14 lbs even and 24.5 inches long. She is the size of a 4.5 month old! wow...the doctor was impressed at her neck control. But we are going to go through a lot of changes.

First, the doctor told me I should let Maddie cry it out for naps and bedtime. =(

At the same time, she told us to get rid of the swaddle. Maddie has been breaking out of her swaddle this week, so I guess it was time. Tonight we are trying her only in a sleepsack. So far, shes not doing too bad, but we'll see how the rest of the night goes.

MAddie also recently has been rejecting the bottle. This sucks! I get no break whatsoever. On saturday we went out and she totally rejected the bottle and I had to breastfeed her in the car in a dark dead end street in flushing with no pillow. We used an old North face jacket we found in the trunk to help prop her up. Doctor says to keep trying with the bottle...and that it is normal behavior. sigh.

She is going through so many changes now. It seems like shes growing faster than I can keep up with.

So lets see what else is going on. Well her sleeping issues continue to haunt me daily. I am back to work on Monday and freaking out. She wakes up frequently at night (not to eat) and also only catnaps throughout the day. But we will be actively fixing this ove the next few weeks.

She has outgrown all her 0-3 month clothing! She is also moving to size 2 diapers.

She is pushing herself up now, like a sit up. She wants to be sat up all the time.

We are practicing everyday rolling over.

She is sucking on her fingers like crazy...drooling like niagara falls...and rubbing her tongue on her gums. But the doctor said she is not teething. Just normal newborn behavior.

She is really really responsive. We have "conversations" everyday all day long. She is experiencing with her voice and actively tries to "talk" to us. Shes so funny and she smiles ALL THE TIME!

I do often look at her and think "wow she is cute". I know every mom says this though about their kid. I love her baby feet and her soft skin. Her newborn has almost all fallen out and her new hair gives her the appearance of having a crew cut.

I cant believe she is almost 12 weeks old. and her 100 days is in 2 weeks!

im not sure why ive been thinking so much about my mom lately. perhaps its because, per my recent post, i dont really internalize my feelings. i sort of let them pass so i dont have to think about them. but more likely than not, its probably bc a lot of things are happening now. MAddie is here. She is a beautiful child and everyone who sees her cant help but to smile. My brother is getting married and wedding plans are in place. Life is going on in big ways. and it's going on without her. and because of that, you feel like you are moving on...without her.

Tonight while nursing Maddie to sleep, I thought about my mom. I thought about my letter to her, where I say I am 32 years old but still there is nothing like the comfort of your mother. I am a mother now. Maddie finds comfort in ME. I can only hope I show her the amount of love and care my mother gave to me.

I held Maddie a little bit tighter tonight. I Stroked her hair while she ate, combing over the innocence. I kissed her when I picked her up to burp her and breathed in the scent of her newly washed hair. I nuzzled my face in the back of her neck and let the tears drop onto her onesie.

32 years ago, I was Maddie. A child born into this world, knowing nothing but my mother. 32 years ago, my mother was me. Except she did everything I did 100 times better. and she offered 100 times more love and affection.

How dare I ever show signs of frustration towards my daughter. My daughter born into this big world only 2 months ago. My mother would have never done such a thing. She had patience...something I wish I had inherited.

What a shame Maddie will never get the advantage of experiencing my mothers knowledge, love and soul.

What a fucking shame.

got my 2nd paycheck today since being on maternity leave. man it feels good to get paid again. its just sitting in my account but it just feels good to have. returning to work in 2 weeks. still waiting on my disability checks. long story. GRRR.

I feel like MAddie is growing everyday. Everyday, something new happens. I look at her and realize how much she is learning and growing. Sometimes I hold her close to me and wonder how she could ever have been in my tummy. In her room, I sit in the rocking chair a lot holding her. She loves to look up at the 6 sonogram pictures I have hanging up in white frames. I dont know why, but she is always staring at them...and laughing and smiling to herself. maybe shes vain...like me. haha.

What i love about her:
- her hands. they are so wrinkly and feminine. She does really cute things with them to. She is always moving her hands. Currently, the normal hand position is in a fist with her thumb between her index and middle finger. But when she eats or when we're playing with her, she does a lot of things with her hands. When her pinky goes up, its the cutest.

- her feet. who doesnt love baby feet. I put them all over my cheeks and let her kick me in the face.

- her smile. she is always smiling if you talk to her. it does make a bad day much better. she is very receptive to people. i hope it lasts.

- her eyes. they are always looking and observing. she has really cute facial expressions. i love when she raises her eyebrows and her eyes get big like shes surprised or intrigued.

- her lips. they are really feminine and cute and she does funny things with them. especially when you take a pacifier out of her mouth. she has a cute yawn too, where her lower lip comes up in front of her uppper lip which makes her cheeks like super big like a chimpmunk.

she is a super active baby. leave her lying on a flat surface and she will go buck wild with her arms and legs. she will continue to kick the flat surface over and over again. is this every baby? she wont stay still.

she also stretches - a lot - ever since we came home. a funny thing she does is after every diaper change, as i put her legs down to put on the new diaper, she will give a big stretch and her toes and everything are all stretched out. she even does this in the middle of the night in her sleep. weird.

she does have her fussy moments, but there are a lot of good things about her too like how she NEVER cries when you change her diaper. i know a lot of babies who cry when this happens. She also was always a great sleeper at night....so as soon as she would eat, she would hit the sack. only a handful of times has she cried before bed. also in the middle of the night, i never had to stay up with her. she would eat and go back to sleep. i know some moms who have to feed and then stay up with the baby for an hour. maddie never confused day and night.

her sleeping has been my biggest problem which i will put right up there with the challenge of breastfeeding. but i know in time, this will get better. she will start to sleep longer naturally and start to make her own schedule. so i do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

for now, just gotta worry about how i will deal with her while still working.

yesterdays drs appt she weighed in at 13 lbs 2 oz.

last night she slept for 5 straight hours! wow. but im assuming she woke up cuz when i went to get her, she was parallel to the crib bars, not perpendicular. ANd she was swaddled. so girlfriend definetely woke up at some point and squirmed. i guess i didnt hear her. oops!

CIO 10 mins at bedtime
CIO 10 mins 3AM

awake at 6AM

CIO for first nap - 20 minutes with no crying.

Labor day.

woke up to a crying baby. rocked her back to sleep. gently laid her in her crib only to have her wake up again. so i fed her, played with her. she was happy as a clam. we had a good time together "talking". she pooped, i changed her. we played some more and i put her in her swing for a nap.

went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. for some reason i start to think about my moms funeral and start to cry. just as soon as i start, i stop. i stop bc this is my reality now. i jump into the shower and take a long, hot one. i soak in all the heat, almost afraid to come out. but i do. i dry myself off and go find a nice outfit for my daughter to wear for today's bbq. a cute dress.

i go back to my room and watch her sleep....wondering if her grandma is watching too.

and when she wakes up, life goes on.

32 lbs lost! 8 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight.

9 weeks

9 weeks old. this is what maddie can do now.

- she usually balls up her hands into a fist but lately she can stick out her pointer fingers
- discovered her ears
- laughed
- copy you when you stick out your tongue
- try to sit up on her own
- coo and "talk" back
- started to go longer between feedings this week
- we skipped the crib for the naps and went for the swing instead. she is also going longer at each nap.

the only bad thing is, she has bad gas. she wakes up at the buttcrack of dawn every morning crying. she kicks her legs and grunts and whines and cries until she poops or farts. poor baby. this makes feeding time extra long since she will grunt and kick and take herself off the boob when shes in discomfort. pediatrician says its a phase at this age and will pass....

what i enjoy everyday:

- when she wakes up. she looks around and i go into her face and she smiles. its really cute
- our playtime. after every feeding, we play. shes so responsive.
- bathtime. she loves this and shes always so calm.

what i dont enjoy:
-sleeplessness. i was never a person who was good on no sleep. i become cranky irritable and my patience is very very thin. i find myself thinking bad angry thought at 3 am in the morning. but by morning time, im a different person. i cant wait till she sleeps through the night.
- crankiness...crying. i cant take either.
- monotony. im bored. a lot. i miss outdoors, i miss people.