38 Weeks

This week the baby is the size of a...



a leek. I have bought many leeks in my time. These are big and long! I only have 2 more fruits to go!

Being pregnant has definitely been an experience. The only thing I really wish I could do was share this with Jae. He is often extremely sympathetic, but I know he doesnt really "get it". To have something growing inside of you, well, there are no words. I truly feel like he is missing out on this experience.

In life there are many things and feelings we can share together, good or bad. At some point, we will both experience the same things. Success, hurt, failure, health issues etc. and we can relate on those levels. But no matter what, he will never experience being pregnant. I do feel he is more understanding than most men. If i complain he will say something like "what do you expect, you're carrying a baby". or when he watches me move, he will "tsk" like he feels bad for me. But I know he still doesnt exactly know how i feel. What its like to sleep, to move, what the pain feels like. and the positive aspects...feeling her kick and move, the mindset you have when you are solely in charge of her nurishment and food supply, just the sheer joy of knowing this human was grown from tiny cells inside of you. I try to describe it to him the best I can but its not the same. I really do feel like he's missing out on a huge life experience and I feel bad that we cannot relate on this level like we do on other things.

Now that time is getting closer, I think a lot about what she will be like. But my imaginations are always her as a toddler. The things we can do together, like go bike riding, bake cupcakes, sing and dance, swimming in the pool. How I will comb her hair, how i will teach her all these new things.

In the big picture, I look at newly discovered singing sensations like Charice and I think, wow, she was born to sing. I think about how I would feel if I were her mother, and how proud i would be that her god given talent was shared with the world. I think about my baby girl becoming something big in life. How an ordinary girl from Long Island has the potential to do great, big things. I wish I was special enough to have given my mom something like that to be proud of.

Now here's the kicker.... I don't really think about the newborn stage. That's bad, right? I guess the truth is, I don't know what to think about when i think about a newborn. This makes me feel very unprepared. I can have all the imaginations in the world, but what will my reality really look like?